Grandmother is harshly critical

I am the first born child so my two boys (2 and 6months) are the first and only grandkids of the family. My parents dote on them a lot and are overall great grandparents however my mother is becoming increasingly dramatic, hypercritical and negative in her comments about my mothering ability. Recently my son had a stomach bug and she went on and on about how I don’t wash his hands so that’s why he got sick or because I didn’t breastfeed him long enough his immune system probably does not work properly. She heightens every little thing and blames me like when I told her that he pushes kids at playgroup she said because I haven’t taught him how to play so that must be why. If she sees the boys with new clothes or toys she starts blasting me about why I spend so much money and where are the things she got them (which I do use). She has continuously berated me about I give too much milk to my newborn and that I must be ruining his digestive system. She expresses her comments harshly and won’t back down even when I tell her that it’s not appropriate for her to make such brash statements towards a mother especially in front of my husband and children. Instead she becomes more aggressive and starts shouting. I don’t even have a mother in law but i think my own mother acts worse than a MIL! I feel so hurt and conflicted about this because she love the boys deeply and does do alot for us. My husband’s mother passed away many years ago so my children will only ever have one grandmother but at the same time I am building resentment towards my own mum and feel hesitant about sharing anything about the kids with her or even taking them to see her. I am a proud and confident mother and know that I am raising my children incredibly well but I am desperately craving her to see and express this sentiment also. Does anyone else have a mother like this? Any suggestions about to handle this situation?

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I think if she’s not going to listen to you, and wants to undermine your parenting then a break is needed. A few weeks, have a discussion again at 2 weeks and if it’s still not successful and she insists on berating you and continuing to be aggressive than you probably need more time away from her - that’s not appropriate for the kids to be exposed to, so until she can sort her problems out then it’s safer and less influential for you and the kids to stay away. She is modelling absolute 💩 behaviour for your children.

I understand how hard it can be ❤️ I honestly (and this is my opinion so take it with a grain of salt as I don’t know you or your mum) don’t think you’ll get the validation/sentiment from her. I think some of the things you’ve repeated what she’s said are absolutely bs and I hope you don’t take these comments to heart. I think you need a little bit of space away from her and re-establish some boundaries (and follow through if boundaries are broken!) example: if you criticise my parenting then I will ask you to leave - if she criticises, make sure you follow through and show her out the door. It might sound harsh especially since you’ve mentioned she dotes on your babies - but you are mum and there doesn’t sound to be anything wrong with what you’re doing (but you already knew that 😉) I have no other advice - I went NC with my own parents before I had kids and glad that I did. You could always take the break, establish some boundaries/consequences and go from there xx

@Sharnee thank you sweetie, you are right I dont think she will ever admit that I am actually doing a good job - if I confront her about how I feel I imagine she will feel insulted and sulk about it. It’s as if she thinks her role is to review my parenting and then give me unsolicited feedback.. I think perhaps this may have been how she was treated by her Mother or MIL when she had kids. But I need to say something before the kids get older and start becoming aware of what she says to me

@Sam so true, it’s good that I happen to live 1 hour from her so I can use the distance to take breaks and speak with her during the gap periods. Hopefully my words and emotions make sense to her! It’s hard when parents get older, it’s like they don’t care anymore ):

I'd stay away from her until she realises that she needs to behave. She should be supporting of you.

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