Am I the ahole?

Little bit more context : for the first year he made effort for about a year and half after he completely stopped coming around would only stay home even for birthday and holidays and just recently (past 6 months) he’s come to more events like my moms bday and Christmas besides that he’s come around my family maybe 4 other times. He refuses to be around my friend and her little family (she just had a baby). If my friend comes over he literally hides upstairs and it wasn’t a problem the first year we got together. Idk what exactly made him completely retract but he just doesn’t wanna be around other people. He is older than me and I got pregnant at 21 where he is closer to 30. I try to take that into consideration I just wish we met more in the middle. I love being with him and just my babies !! I never said it couldn’t just be us 4 but occasionally I would like for us to be around other people. I grew up with a big “distant” family and always wanted that when I got older.

You’re you and that’s just who you are!go out without him but respect his privacy when he comes home from work and just wants peace of you and the babies Only. I’m sure if given notice he will warm to the idea of being around others but working is stressful and he’s probably not in the frame of mind to socialise xx

It sounds like you're two very different people in this area. I know it can be hard. I'm the more social one in my marriage. I talk to everyone and go anywhere whereas he'd rather chill at home and be just us. Compromising is the way forward. Maybe try once every 3 months to do something out of his comfort zone and you plan something for just your family the rest of the time. If he's more introverted it drains his energy being around others and he'll probably need sleep when he's back home lol. Extroverts feel energised being around others and genuinely feel more awake after doing it. Just a thought.

He is the one missing out on doing these fun things. Go out anyways. You'd be surprised how many parents take their kids out to things completely on their own. Most people just assume my boyfriend is working when he isn't with us. That being said if this is important to you then communicate and compromise. Maybe there is something he would prefer to do over what you've suggested, maybe he needs more notice, or maybe he just doesn't know its so important to you.

I would not worry about looking like a single mom. Who care what people think. Go out! Enjoy yourself! Don’t stay home just cuz what people think. If he wants to stay home that’s his choice. Who knows maybe if he sees you keep having fun he will have fear of missing out… and maybe go out more with you… if not oh well.. but it is weird how he treats your friend… i would keep an eye on that.. cuz friends are important and i think it’s great she has a baby cuz you guys can have your kids grow up together! Building a support system is an amazing thing! Community is the most important thing when raising kids! So I definitely don’t think you are an ahole!

You feel how you feel, but he is probably an introvert and gets exhausted easily. Find some middle ground. Go out 3 days a week, stay with family 4 days a week. Maybe ask him to do main holidays and birthdays or something and let him drive separately so he can leave. Idk. Find a middle ground. But I do understand wanting him to be social like you.

Cannot stress enough ! If you wanna go somewhere yoi go and enjoy yourself who cares what peoole think! Your situation is very similar to mine and I’m out 80% of the time with my son 7month old and I wouldn’t have it any other way I enjoy his company and my own 😊😊😊

Are you saying he stops you from having your friends over? And that he stops you from going out? That is actually a type of abuse.

I don’t think this is an ahole vs not ahole question, I think it’s more that you’re an extrovert and he’s an introvert and you need to learn to navigate this opposite dynamic together

my husband is the same way … i love being around friends and family. he always wants it to just be us and our baby… i love socializing with other people and making plans with friends. i have a friend with a baby around the same age as mine and we make plans and attend baby events all the time together! make plans with your friends and go to those events !!!

Your feelings are your feelings and are totally valid. No one is an a hole here, you just have different social needs. I totally understand him wanting to just spend time with you and the kids if he's been working that many hours. Id bet he's exhausted of adulting and just wants to chill with the ones he loves. Id take that as a massive compliment that he loves you and the children and being a family 💞 I get you want to go out and socialize too, is he fine at home with the children? Maybe once a week or fortnight he can have them and you can go and do you. Or meet with your friends and their kids while he's working. Look at it this way, you have all the hours in the week to spend with whoever you like. He has limited hours and so wants to spend them with the most important people to him. I'm sure if you chat about it, you can come up with something that works for you both.

You're nta but neither is your fiance. My husband is the same because he works a lot so he would rather spend his free time with us or doing some of his hobbies. What I do is go out without him, sometimes he will stay home with our son, sometimes I take him with me. It works for us because I don't feel like we need to do everything together, could you try this?

An introvert working up to 80 hours a week doesn't have the mental energy required to be around people any more & I think you need to accept that while you need to go out & be around people he needs to be quiet & relaxed at home & find a compromise that lets each of you stay in your element.

I don’t think he’s the asshole but I think it’s wrong of him to give you a hard time about coming to holidays or birthdays for family with you.

@Rachel he doesn’t stop it but definitely lets me know have them out the house before he gets home

Thank you everyone to your advice and pov. This really helped me understand from his pov more !

Yeah, that is a major red flag for me. It is your home, so you should be allowed to have friends over whenever you like & you shouldn't have to make sure they are gone before he gets home. It is basically like he is trying to seclude you from them eventually.