Long vent Excuse the typos

like many I suffered a lot of childhood trauma. As a result of that I sought validation from spaces I had no business entertaining. My son’s father was a reflection of that. Before I was a mom I chased him out of and into relationships. I thought I loved him but it was attachment because I barely loved myself. Although his words said different his actions showed me that he didn’t even like me or love me. I still chased. I thought I could change things or change him. I later learned I can do neither. After telling me he wanted to work on things between us. One day He just left and moved to another state with another woman. I was devastated. I cried day and night until I finally got the strength to move on. It was finally time for me to heal. Then boom I was pregnant. After a self infertility diagnosis and accusing him of having someone else pregnant because he was showing symptoms of being pregnant. So instead of healing I allowed him in and out of my life with the same behaviors even worst now. He left me hanging my whole pregnancy and for the first few months of my son’s life. I begged him to be involved. He eventually started calling and sending a few bucks here and there. He dropped by for a few weeks to play house and then he went back to the other woman in another state. We would still chat while he was at work. He would lie to me telling me he was in love with me and he wanted to marry me. The whole time in a full blown relationship with another woman in another state. I was eating every word. Then he would video call with his step grand kids playing super hero and I would be devastated. He’s being super step dad while I’m here with no support system. So eventually I got enough courage to realize that he along with other things was a result of my childhood trauma and how I viewed myself and the world outside of me. I started to fight the anxiety, the depression and the cptsd. I minimized all contact with him because he wasn’t healthy. Now I’m stuck in this cycle of painful memories and cringy feelings. Every time I hear his voice I’m sick to my stomach. I start spiraling out and thinking about all the bad times I let people manipulate me or treat me poorly because I thought people were validating me but they were using me for their personal gain. Although my precious baby boy is the best thing that happened to me in my life and brings me so much joy. I still feel a strong sense of regret that because I didn’t love myself enough my son has to grow up with a broken family.