Is this concerning?

Trust your gut. Something isn’t right.

I was going to say doesn’t sound too concerning until you mentioned his past. He’s broken the trust repeatedly so it’s right for you to be sceptical

If he uses speakers for everyone else apart from one person I'd be questioning it for sure!

Ok, now my problem is, how do I approach this. He calls me confrontational and I've tried patience and everything. Actually, when I initially caught him, I approached him with so much love and thought because I was in shock! I just couldn't believe it. If I say something, I know he will downplay it or call me crazy or flip out and say why I'm always causing problems.. so I'm just here thinking, what do I even say 🙄

Appreciate you ladies for sharing your point of views @Katie @Amy @Lyss

Urgh. He calls you confrontational and crazy 🙄 he sounds like a narcissist tbh. Trust your gut.

Have you asked? You would still be able to hear what he was saying back so seems a bit stupid if it is something suspicious?. Just to play devil's advocate, is there a chance he doing it because he knows if you hear a female voice you might not like it? Idk, my husband would think it was weird if I was paying such close attention to his work calls and whether he had headphones or not. You obviously don't trust him, and there's a reason for that. He's earned that mistrust and if you can't even talk to him without him being defensive and aggressive he'll never earn your trust back. So if it was me I would lead with that. "I'm suspicious, I have every right to be suspicious because of your past, so can we please have a reasonable conversation about this without you flying off the handle. If not, that's an even bigger problem"

I text my guy friends right there next to, or in front of Hubby (he looks over sometimes) there’s no need for me to go to another room and there’s no need for me to hide any of these msgs from him…we’re merely talking about dance events, life, family, visas lol (they update me their status on their PR’s etc) There’s nothing that I text my guy friends that I can’t show my hubby. For him to wear earphones only for those women is hella suss esp coz he has a history also. Women’s instincts are usually never wrong.

Hard to say. In this situation, his previous actions are what would make me not trust him either. Even if he is in another room you could listen and pay more attention to his intonation, whether they are giggling all the time. When a person is flirting there are changes on their voice and behavior.

He cheated on you and was ona. Dating site before you were married? ... Why did you marry him then? How long ago was that? How has he behaved since? (Are you holding the past over him and what will he need to do to 'prove' he is changed?) Did you guys have a concrete discussion on what you each feel cheating is and what you each feel comfortable with the other doing? (For example, I think cheating starts at kissing, but because of our past, I am uncomfortable with you talking alone with a woman.)

Hide his AirPods

Assuming you can hear his side of the conversation so would you be able to tell what they are talking about

I think there’s a big chance that because of his past, he thinks you’ll feel suspicious or upset if you hear a female voice on the other end, so he uses AirPods. If that’s the case it could be his own insecurity assuming you don’t trust him. You can hear what he says into the AirPods so I wouldn’t be too concerned about it. But definitely bring it up - not in an accusatory way, but from the perspective of being concerned that he thinks you don’t trust him, because it’s a behavior that’s probably rooted in something deeper that you both need to work through. See how that conversation goes and if he gets defensive maybe there’s another issue

Thank you for all the responses. The only reason I noticed is because I have to pass through his office from the living room to the kitchen, unless I'm coming from the other end of the house. So I actually wasn't actively trying to listen in. I also then tried to actively not listen and put my own airpods in while I was cooking in the kitchen, to try avoid ease dropping. We separated after he cheated in 2019 and then he came back in 2020. We had a lot of back and forth, rebuilding, therapy etc and eventually married. I really want to trust him, but there's a part of me that constantly lives in fear. I often feel guilty for putting myself in this situation and feel like I deserve it

Incognito you absolutely do not deserve it!! Any of it!! You cannot be blamed for wanting to have faith and believe in yourself and the relationship!! You wanted to be loved and to love!! There is absolutely nothing wrong with that! He is the one who doesn’t deserve to be with you!! After everything you have to done to try to heal the relationship he is still acting like this!! You deserve to be happy!! You deserve to be truly loved!! And I can assure you narcissists don’t love you they only love what you can do for them. What you can provide. He will use the fact that you feel you deserve this way against you. So don’t allow him to have that power over you! Cuz you are the shining light and he is just a moth… 🫶🏻

👆👆👆

If everytime you try and talk about your concerns (rationally), he tells you you’re always causing problems, how are you supposed to have a healthy relationship? That sounds very gaslighting me and that he has problems with empathy, self analyzing, and taking accountability.