How do you set boundaries with in-laws?

I'm generally a shy and non confrontational person, and sometimes you can't be that way as a parent and have to stick up for your kid, but it's so hard. I'm struggling with it big time. Even for simple stuff that shouldn't be an issue to bring up 😭 My FIL and step MIL have babysat for us several times since my son was about 2 months (he is now 6 months), but there are still things that I don't like that they do. For example I noticed my SMIL putting zinc cream on when changing my son's diaper, when I'm positive that by now she knows that we use an organic diaper balm. I just keep that rash cream by the change table next to his diaper balm in case he gets a rash, which he barely ever does. She was the kind that smothered her own kids in Vaseline so I'm pretty sure it's just her preference to use zinc cream. I wanted to tell her not to use it so bad when I noticed this, but I felt trapped, like I couldn't bring myself to open my mouth. Then they were coming over recently to babysit at night for the first time, I talked with my husband beforehand about bath time and said I was unsure if I felt comfortable with someone other than us giving my son a bath, but perhaps husband could give my son a bath and his dad can watch for a few minutes as that would be special bonding time for them (husband was going to be home, working in another room during the babysittng while I went out). Wellll as I'm about to leave I hear my husband ask if THEY want to give him a bath, and they got so excited... I was very unhappy and uncomfortable with this but felt like I couldn't say anything because now they will know it's 100% me that has a problem with it and I'm the bad guy. Another example is that I made a banana puree for my son and told them they could let him try a couple bites at dinnertime. He just started solids and that's one of the few things he's tried regularly. When I got home they said he had the whole jar (an amount which he usually eats over the course of 2 days) in one sitting! I often use a fruit feeder and if I spoon feed him I use VERY small amounts at a time, which I did communicate to them. I just can't see him eating that much in one sitting without being forcefully spoon fed! Now they said next time he comes over if he gets fussy with his bottle as he's been doing lately, they will just fill him up on banana. I don't like this at all. But again, I really really struggle to speak up and communicate boundaries, especially when my husband undermines me and makes me always have to be the bad guy with HIS family. I know I need to do better for my son and be his advocate because things will only get worse from here on out if I don't. Do any of you out there struggle to speak up like I do? How do you overcome this?

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Stop telling your husband!!!! Right away. Don’t vent about his family to him. Bad idea. The husband makes things a thousand times worse. Deal with his family without him in the equation knowing how you feel. I always promote open and honest communication, EXCEPT when you can’t stand your spouse’s family. Never tell him that. EVER EVER lol you’ll thank me later

1) remove the cream when they visit 2) bath him before they come 3) don't let them feed him solids at all as not like he needs them yet Mainly speak your husband as if he doesn't have your back, that's your issue, not them! They seem to be happy to be your sons life and want to help....its the husband not being on the same page as you thats causing the issue.

@Robyn good advice. But also, you should be grateful someone comes to look after your child for you and you need to accept it wont be done as good as you do. Nobody comes to look after my child and also I breastfeed and baby wont take the bottle of my husband. So I dont leave the house for longer than an hour without her. She is almost 5 months now. I would just appriciate the help and make adjustments myself or reject the help.

@Justyna she doesn’t like the way they do & she clearly stated she doesn’t how to speak up for herself I’m sure she is grateful by them. Shut up and keep that to yourself

@Justyna just becsuse ur husband doesnt help u more & makes you feel shitty means you have to tell that to her

Best wishes to you lovely! And know that it’s perfectly okay to have boundaries with the way you want your kid to be raised!

@Justyna I do appreciate their help and know I will probably appreciate it even more when he's older and less delicate lol. It's just hard when he's trying all these new things for the first time and I want to make sure things are done right while also letting them share special experiences with their grandson. It's been so long since they raised their kids and they forget a lot about babies and what they need. I feel ya, my mom says I never took a bottle as a baby and she had a really hard time because I'd go hungry if she had to go anywhere alone. That's very tough 😢

He will be fine with his grandparents. I felt the same towards my husband, I felt like I do everything better myself and wouldnt let him do much around the baby or would constantly lecture him. I was obssesive around the baby and it wasnt good.

Sounds like the issue is your husband and not your in laws. Robyn has given good solutions to what you described.

Start with one thing, mention to them one thing that you want done in a specific way and repeat it every time they don't do it that way. This will give you the confidence to speak up about other things. Yes he is more delicate now but even later, there will always be some things that have to be done in a certain way and my belief is that effective communication is something you build over time.

You are NEVER the bad person in this situation . You know your baby more than anyone else . Your husband should stand by you regardless and the fact that he hasn’t done that isn’t right. Try and have a heart to heart conversation with him about it ! He has every right to know . Your in laws should know better and follow your advice. It’s not right what they’ve done . I would be annoyed too so you have every right to say whatever to them. Don’t ever be afraid of anyone especially them.

I can see how these things would be irritating and that you definitely have everyone’s best interest in mind. Personally, I don’t think these things warrant conversation. I know they seem like a big deal, but they really are not. I think that these things are worth letting go. There will always be things that don’t end up exactly how you expect and that’s okay! I think it’s good to get used to these minor hiccups now. I would ask my husband to clarify what happened with bath time in order to improve our communication- he may have asked them about bath time knowing that he was going to supervise. Or maybe he just had a different opinion on it from the beginning in which case he should feel comfortable to tell you that from the beginning, but maybe he isn’t comfortable because you aren’t open to his opinion? I know it’s hard when everything feels like such a big deal, but I think you can help yourself feel relief by putting it into perspective! Hope this helps

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