Attraction to other people

Honestly it can happen but when it does, you should be honest with your partner because 1, it still is hurtful and 2, it can actually help your relationship but only if he’s willing to see that he needs to put more effort in and if he doesn’t then likely it won’t change. I think it’s also because you say you cannot stop thinking about this person and ngl if my partner was thinking about another woman all the time then I’d want to know, I’d also want to try fix the relationship. It sounds like from your post he’s not putting the work in and that must be really tough on you. I’ve been in relationships like that before and I’ve always ended up walking away after them not wanting to fix it. At the end of the day, he’s got to realise what he has in his life and he needs to make the most of it. If not then it’s very likely for something like this to happen. Also wanna say no hate but yes I do think it’s normal in this situation but like you said don’t entertain it. If keeping in contact

With this person, then you should speak to your partner and otherwise it could cause even more damage if you aren’t open and honest

Married 5 years but together 14 years. Went through this myself. You have to do dates, flirt, hold hands, long hugs, 6 second kisses, time to talk, sit down and set goals. I understand having little time. We stay very busy but you have to do those things or you will end up cheating (emotionally or physically) or splitting up. Your marriage has to be priority. You also need to stop talking to or hanging out with who you’re attracted to. Makes it harder on your marriage if you’re not staying focused. Learn your husband’s love language and use it. Take at least 5 minutes every day to connect.

@Dionne seems like everytime we talk, we both make progress for 2 days. But we are both running on epmty with a toddler and a baby and his job 60+ hours a week. That's not to say we gave up on the marriage or trying to fix it. We literally never have time for a conversation and shit just builds to where we are left with either silence or throwing little jabs at eachother. I know this is all common esp in the early years of having babies. But i did not expect to develop attraction or feelings for someone else. Also i dont think id want to know if my husband wad attracted to another woman if it's harmless and he hasnt acted on it. He's human. I dont think telling him would do anything but hurt him. Deeply. He's not a talker. So for him to express emotion or even where he is at mentally, it's like pulling teeth. The last thing i want is to leave him with this hurt feeling that he doesnt know what to do with. He isnt much of a leader when it comes to any conversation or big decisions. It would destroy him

@Dionne i dont see this person often (once or twice a month, not every month) and it's a very short interaction. Yet somehow i cant get him out of my mind 24/7

@Carly this is so very true. Takes 5 minutes to connect. I have been attempting connection for 2 years now. But he shuts me down. Until i get distant (not mean or silent, just distant), then he holds me and kisses me and says 'ily' thinking whatever it is im feeling will just resolve itself cause he gave me a kiss. And usually I'll just snap out of it and we would go back to co-parenting and being so busy. I'll have that big conversation, he will nod (as he doesnt really talk), the next couple days he will talk to me like a fellow human and show some sort of interest (which is all I'm asking of him), then we're back to square one. I'm quite tired of the back and forth and sorta accepted that maybe he genuinely doesnt like me. And thats that. Still doesnt mean i would cheat. But I'm emotionally cheating and i hate it 💔

But if not making any progress together have you thought about couples therapy or opening the relationship even if it’s just for emotional connection? I only talk about that because you admitted to emotionally cheating. It obviously takes a lot of trust and effort for both but it can absolutely work. I still think you should be honest because you know you’re emotionally cheating and the only way it’ll get better is by talking about it. Because if not things are going to stay the same. Maybe even have a break from each other. I found it helped in my relationship when all me and my partner were doing was arguing and we were distant emotionally. It took me having that break for us both to realise that things really need to change, that if affects our family as well as our own needs and if we aren’t meeting each others needs then we are going to be unhappy and that’s not how we want to live. Things do get busy in life and it’s something everyone has to accept but there is always time for

Each other just have to plan for it and make sure you’re meeting each other’s needs

Who is the person, milk man? Grocery? Twice month maybe..u must have some positive interaction and they must compliment you or be physically attracted to you and attractive and possibly single? 2 babies and no talk, no dates etc will do it. Been there. Eventually one person steps out, u say he silent, probably is, he'll say he tried kiss u to get somewhere positive, even though kiss is start, he say he tried to start and then u closed off, and ur always mad and then he gets his emotional need met at work maybe or coworker or someone he finds. Never think the silent guy could and guess what they can.. their worst. I have silent guy. Gamer and he did but won't admit it. I found texts... I don't now how he found the girl.. it's depressing cause I used text him about my needs etc. It wasn't until I saw him happy, looking in love...I ignored it thinking ya right.. he had to go* work* he had* clean car* more at night, all at night... ur fantasising which makes it more real to u and much more romantic

Every try texting him 2 sentences of what u need? They don't read paragraphs and they don't talk and they shut down or been shit down to silence. Like we go cold, they are used to avoiding things. Silent guys fall for ppl easily, any one that kind and shows interest, even if they don't leave u.

@Dionne we are in the kind of relationship where if i ever say "lets take a break", that means divorce. He has told me before..."the minute you dont love me anymore and/or want to be with someone else, tell me, I'll leave"...and we have issues but we're not broken nor do we want to give up. I wouldn't have thought our issues were as big or complicated until this new thing with outside attraction hit me really hard and I'm having a hard time conpartmentalizing my own feelings/needs. I do know why i developed feelings for this other person (that i know nothing about btw besides age and a few other things in conversation), its because i felt a little seen. He didnt flirt or anything. So it's all just me and in my head. I know it'll pass. But the fact that it happened is making me second guess just how broken we actually are.

@Ali yas girl you are absolutely RIGHT. I could relate to everything you said. He did not flirt, just good eye contact and meaningful short conversation and one small compliment, and is insanely attractive(in my opinion). When i speak to my husband he doesnt look my way, sometimes he doesnt even nod, it's literally as if noone is talking to him. Then i have to ask and answer my own qn. Or ask him a question after making my point just to see if he heard me. And this isnt me nagging or being annoying, no. Sometimes I'm answering a qn he asked and when i proceed to speak he turns around or looks in any other direction. This was a huge issue when we first got married, because the man i fell inlove with and fought everyone to be with was NOT a shadow. He looked at me, he spoke, he was always calm and well put together and meant what he said. He is incredible in so many ways. But he killed my feminine/playful/loving/wifey side. Completely killed it. So no, a kiss is not gonna fix this. And yes you're right

@Ali silent men tend to THINK a lot without their partner knowing where they're at. If he ever cheats on me emotionally, I'll know. Like you said you saw the signs and then the excuses and something just changes. How did you go about fixing it? Did you become attracted to someone else?

@Dionne you're right having a break puts things into perspective. Were you able to work out your issues after the break? I know for a fact this would be helpful but its not an option with the way he thinks and just our dynamic. I wish there was a better way for me to speak to him about all this without is causing more problems. I don't know. These days i just talk to myself and get over things by myself and just try to be tolerable around him. And I'm so sad.

It’s not for everyone to have a break but I’d say it’s worth trying. It gave us both time to have healthy thinking space and some individuality from each other as we were around each other so much. He never used to want to see his friends and I don’t have any where I live. We were consumed by each other, playing the same role everyday work, kids, watch something on tv before bed every night and go sleep and then repeat and we didn’t have the connection we needed to have. We only contacted each other regarding our child as our daughter came with me to stay with my family. We didn’t discuss anything regarding our relationship on the break. We just kept the peace, kept the space. Then when we came back we talked a lot and very seriously. We talked about how difficult the distance was and the time we spent away from each other. We decided to stay together because we realised actually our relationship is worth fighting for and we both needed to put in more effort. We made more plans for

Date nights. We even started having technology free time, play board games instead or just talk for a couple of hours catching up about our lives and our daughter’s progress and other things we bond over. We also both put a lot more effort into intimacy, we started cuddling more, telling each other what we love about each other, we started trying new things in the bedroom and that really increased how much we started to have sex(sorry if TMI). I don’t think I’ve felt more connected to someone and especially him and our relationship and I’m convinced the break helped us. Some couples have breaks and realise that actually they are okay on their own. Which is fine and we didn’t have any expectations of each other but we basically had to come to the conclusion of what we wanted on our own without influence of either of us. We still have ups and downs but it’s no where near as bad as it was because we don’t want to live our lives how we were previously

I’m sorry you’re sad but in a relationship it takes two to move forward from things. It’s not nice having to do that by yourself, or as you put it try to be tolerable. You shouldn’t have to try to be anything in a relationship. It all depends on what the both of you want your future to be and what you might see it to be. Even coming up with a list and writing down feelings can help. It makes things easier and clearer when you both do talk. You should never have to feel alone in your relationship or take the full emotional side of it in your own. I hope you do figure things out

@Dionne wow so much insight. I like and respect what you both did to try and reconnect. It's those meaningful things we lose sight of when we are constantly taking up eachother's space in a way that may affect both of us negatively. You're right a small break really does help when you're goun round in circles, and no conversation seems to lead to anywhere but the same square we started on. This is not doable for us for many reasons, but, i can tell him that we may need to each take some personal space for a few weeks until we are ready to talk and to reflect and most importantly to listen. Thank you so much for sharing your experience

Just separate yourself from temptation or find things that personal does you don’t like

I would try having the conversation again. Being very direct about what you need to keep your marriage going. Let him know your feelings for him are fading, your marriage is in trouble and things need to change. Let him know that if he cares enough to save what you have then he needs to communicate with you. Suggest marriage counseling. Let him know if that’s a non negotiable for you at this point. If he cares enough he will want to fight for you and to change. Unfortunately for most men it takes the verge of losing you or actually losing you for them to wake up. Thats why I would be very blunt and direct with what you’re needing to keep going.