WWYD? : my partner lied to me

So I have deep trauma with lying. My dad used to lie to me all the time- it just sucks. My husband lied to me this week about something so frustratingly small and insignificant. It made me so angry that he just chose to lie about something rather than tell me the truth (I asked if he went outside with our son and he said yes- but there were no tracks in the snow in the backyard and i confronted him. He said he felt so stupid for lying but he felt he needed to because he didn't want to admit that he couldn't manage playing with our son outside AND taking him to an appointment in one day- long story short, he's an immigrant and doesn't speak the native language and gets stressed when having to do tasks like that) He chose to lie to me rather than say: no, we didn't go outside. I was feeling overwhelmed with getting him ready for the appointment. Anyway- I was surprised at my reaction. It really really hurt me- I felt it in my chest and my throat. I felt so alone. It brought me right back to when my dad would lie to me about stupid stuff. Not being able to count on him, consequently, not being able to count on anyone (my childish logic) and being alone forever. I had a small panic attack and cried in response to my husband's lying. I know my reaction was a lot- it was a response to a trigger. So I wanted to know how you would have reacted and how should I proceed to repair this? It's not the first time it's happened. I've told him all of this a few times and it still happens. Please help ❤️ I'm still feeling so alone. My son keeps wanting me to play with him but I just feel like crying.

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When you say “it’s not the first time it’s happened” - are you meaning he’s lied to you before? About similar things? Or some other subject?

@Rosa about similar things. Little stupid things, I've never understood the point of it.

Does he give any explanation for his lying? Do you usually react badly? Does he know that you’re reacting badly to the actual lying? …rather than the content? It’s hard - as lying, about anything, does make a partnership really difficult.

@Rosa his explanations always end up into gaslighting and he does convince me. It's only after the fact that I'm like, huh. I love that man and I forgive him everytime. It's never been about anything serious, but it still happens. I usually react the same way: I start off angry and then retreat to cry or whatever. When I'm angry, I usually confront him right away and ask him why he did it.

I’d have reacted the same way. I’d personally consider it super serious even if it was about small insignificant things. It’s very much a core issue, and since he doesn’t seem to fully comprehend how serious this is, I’d insist on therapy as a last resort.

I would definitely try therapy. But also your partner shouldn't be lying to you and if it continues maybe couples therapy as well.

You love him, but he’s lying to you with ease. Does he ever own up to this behaviour and recognise how damaging it is to you - perhaps even show remorse for it?

Therapy may also help to overcome it in time so it doesn’t hurt your marriage

Your reaction was surely strong, but I'd feel that he's lazy and unreliable as well. Your partner sounds like having some childhood issues too. I feel that he either had a very strict parent who punished him harshly when he did sth the parent considered wrong, so that when he was afraid of consequences, he lied; or he just used to get away with things by lying as a habit.

@Philomena I really think that's where we are at now. Thanks for the input ❤️

@Rosa he has been. He's been trying since it happened last night. (But sometimes he'll cry and change the subject into "I suck, I'm terrible blabla" which I find doesn't help. We spoke about self-esteem last night and how maybe he should go to therapy to help him with that.

@Ting I think it's the latter. I have seen my father in law try to lie to my mother in law before. She only figured out it was lying because I went quiet, being stuck in the middle and knowing he was lying.

In my opinion it definitely comes from childhood, but what are we to do now? He goes to therapy on his own or couples therapy?

Even if it comes from childhood, that doesn’t justify the behaviour in your relationship now. So please bare that in mind. I’m guilty of explaining behaviours like that too. But it’s important to bare clearly in mind that just because it’s understandable/explainable doesn’t mean it’s acceptable. And he has to make himself accountable for it, and take responsibility for changing it. Would you trust him sufficiently to be in couple’s therapy with him? If you do choose to go for that, i think from the very outset that you should be explaining this issue of lying - as that needs to be known from the start - as really in couple’s counselling both parties need to be motivated by wanting the best outcome for the relationship. If one is lying, then that makes the very crux of it unreliable, and brings an unhealthy shift in the relationship. So that needs to be pragmatically discussed at the start, to establish whether couple’s counselling is viable - or whether it makes you too vulnerable.

@Rosa wow thank you. That puts a lot into perspective. I know he ultimately has our relationship as his #1 priority. I don't think he would lie about that- I truly feel like he only lies about insignificant things. I do trust him to go to couples therapy. I think he would take it seriously. He gave up his life to be here with me and I don't think he would waste it by giving a half-ass attempt at therapy. He does have his moments. But you're right- I think the lying should be the first thing discussed.

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