Is it still considered "going above and beyond" if I have to ask for it?

I think if you have to tell him, then no it’s not “ going above & beyond”, however you did the say assignment included “or something that makes the others life easier/more convenient” and I think that still counts for that category. Not saying anything is only going to cause you more resentment and frustration waiting for him to do something he isn’t going to do, it would be more beneficial to communicate your needs so that they can be met

I’m sorry you’re going through a difficult time and not feeling supported by your partner. I hope he can realize that you need help too and go above and beyond for you soon❤️ this may not be that moment, but doesn’t mean he won’t do something soon. I think when we’re looking and waiting for something to be done, it makes you more impatient and you wont be as receptive for when he does do a sweet gesture❤️focus on feeling better and taking care of your kids the best way you can

I would bring it up at the next therapy session as an example of the kind of support you want to see more from him. Explain that telling him to do something feels like nagging (as so many of us feel) so it would be nice if he could be more aware of the housework and general jobs around the house.

I agree if you have to ask it defeats the point. But more importantly, doing the dishes in his own home is not going above and beyond by any stretch of the imagination. That’s just being a regular contributing member of the household

I’m curious… how does he feel about the homework assignment?

Defeats the purpose. You’re still carrying the full mental load.

Defeats the purpose and even if he did it on his own I would have considered that above and beyond. You’re in pain, at that point it’s the bare minimum

Doing a load of dishes is not going above and beyond, ever. It's just something you do You should have asked him, not for the list, but because it needed doing

@Lyss he said he would do it when speaking to the therapist, but once the session was over his immediate response to me in private was that my list was going to be so much bigger than his. I sat there in silence cause I had no words to respond.

@Lara he did a load of dishes last weekend before our youngest child's birthday party (and only because I asked him to do it). Before that, I couldn't tell you the last time he did dishes, laundry, or any other chores. He doesn't even pick up the kids toys unless I'm doing it and I ask for help. Usually he will simply use his feet to move them out of the walkway. So considering this "standard", doing a simple load of dishes is going above and beyond. Which is really sad now that I'm typing all of this out.

Ok let me ask you this… did you guys both want to go to therapy… or was it more like hey we need to go to fix this or im leaving kind of scenario? And in general when it comes to your relationship with him do you ever feel like you are confused or walking on eggshells?

@Lyss it was kind of both of us. It's technically sex therapy, but the therapist noticed that things are very one sided so she started shifting things from the intimacy issues to daily life to try and get us on the same page. I never said I'd leave, but I did say I was unhappy with the way things have been going, and he was mad that I never wanted intimacy with him. So that started our therapy journey. I wouldn't say confused or walking on eggshells. It's more like a constant level of frustration for a big variety of reasons.

I don’t think he went above and being but maybe he’s the type of person that doesn’t take initiative?

Well bravo on the therapist for shifting things! With the therapist noticing things are one sided… do you feel like you are an equal in the relationship? And I really don’t like when partners get mad about not wanting sex… especially when there is a lack of non-sexual intimacy. Do you feel like he just expects therapy is just gonna fix everything without actually doing the work? I mean i definitely wouldn’t want to have sex with my partner if I had to do everything. I would be too exhausted to even want to have sex. And I do use partner on purpose… cuz him not helping you doesn’t sound like how a partner would act… it sounds like how a roommate with benefits act… he has to help with the household responsibilities and you shouldn’t need to ask. He’s not a child. Have you thought about what would happen if he doesn’t follow through with any of the homework?

@Lyss in a lot of ways, no, we aren't equal. I know that as a stay at home mom, that majority of the housework and child rearing is on me, and I'm okay with that. But I have to tell him if I want him to help clean up, or tell him I want him to wash bottles, tell him to get off his phone and play with his children that are standing directly in front of him repeating "dad, dad, dad". I said it in therapy, that I have to mother him in so many ways. Why would I want to be intimate with someone I have to mother? The therapist told me that I need to stop mothering him, otherwise he can't take accountability. So I'm trying not to, but when his kids are practically begging for his attention and he's just playing on his phone, I feel like I'm gonna lose it on him. So far, he hasn't done the homework. Our session was on Saturday, and I've kept my list on the kitchen counter so he can see that I'm writing things down. If he has a list, I don't know about it. Our next session is this coming Saturday.

It’s a sad world where doing the dishes is considered “above and beyond”. But don’t get me wrong, I’d love someone to wash my dishes 😂

Maybe you could communicate without having it be “mothering” like, hey look the kids want to play with you. Or I’m gonna go take a break in our room, so I’m clocking out of kid duty ok? Or, babe, it’s your night to wash the dishes— I’m gonna go look at that thing on my computer. This can be a tag-team partner-vibe instead of mother-vibe. (Of course he should be doing this anyway, I’m just saying you might be able to get from manchild to adult partner eventually).

If you have to ask he can’t use it in his homework. If he did it and also did something else like prepping everyone lunch for tomorrow without asking then it would be above and beyond. Just doing the dishes for you when you’re unwell isn’t above and beyond.

@Jill I agree, but doing anything past basics (and even the basics in some instances) is above and beyond compared to his usual. I could literally list so many things that I wish he would help with that I'd run out of room in this comment. 😫

Just because you are a stay at home mom doesn’t mean the majority of the housework falls on. Your job as a stay at home mom is to raise your children. That is the job. Cleaning up the house is a whole other job. Cooking for the family is another job. So no it doesn’t fall on mostly you. He is a grown adult who has adult responsibilities like helping maintain the household as a partner. You are absolutely right that if he sees a sink of dishes he needs to step up. You should not have to tell him. I would suggest if he doesn’t help cleaning the house… ask him if you can hire a house cleaner to help you with the house since he doesn’t help. Least he can do is hire someone to take some of the pressure off you. Especially if he wants sex! And for him to just ignore the kids like that seems… apathetic… Do you feel that he likes being an active participant in the family dynamics or is it only when you tell him to do it?

@Lyss I actually have asked about hiring some help. His cousin does it for a living, and for the amount of work she does, it's super cheap too! I asked about it right after we had our second child (repeat csection, so I had a super hard time keeping up with everything). He kept saying we can talk about it later, but never did. I don't have her number, and other than this app, no social media to contact her. So it was up to him, which is why it never happened. It's like he doesn't understand the load I deal with. I get that he has a heavy load as the sole provider, but I'm doing literally everything else, and it goes unnoticed. He loves our kids, but its like playing with them has to happen on his timetable rather than theirs. When he's in the mood to play with them, he does wonderful, and they all have a ton of fun. But if he isn't in that mood, either I have to tell him to pay attention to them, or he just ignores them until they give up and come to me. Which has happened more than once.

It’s dumb that men expect their wives to have sex with them when they don’t do shit.

Wow… so you even know some who can help and he doesn’t help you get in touch with this said person?! He isn’t even doing the bare minimum… he is holding you back! There should be no reason to not call up his cousin. And with what you said- he doesn’t understand the heavy load… do you feel like he values all that you do for the family? And that makes me sad for your children. That it has to be on his time. They should be his priority. If not you, then definitely them, but it seems as if he prioritizes you and the kids less than he prioritizes his own needs… does that seem accurate?

@Lyss he claims he does, but I don't believe he truly understands it. We've been together since we were teens (more than a decade), and I like to think that I've grown as a person, wife, and mother. If I'm being honest, I see no growth from him as a teen to now. It's like he lacks the ability to put himself in someone else's shoes. I wish I didn't have to say this, but yes that seems accurate. His wants and needs take priority over everything else. That's why we are in therapy (what started as sex therapy).

May I ask what it is about him that you want to stay and try to make it work? Is it just for the kids?

@Lyss partly because I've invested literally half my life with him, and partly for religious reasons. We are Christian's, so technically speaking the only grounds for divorce are adultery/sexual immorality. If I'm truly honest here, sometimes I wonder if that's why he acts the way he does. I don't want someone to live in constant fear of someone leaving them, cause that isn't healthy. Walking on eggshells in your own home isnt right. But at the same time, taking advantage of knowing they won't leave isn't healthy either. Due to religious reasons, I have to walk a very fine line here.

Well if you are younger than 35 you still have plenty of life to live! Don’t settle because it’s what you know cuz you are with the investment!  But religion wise I know that’s a different ball park. But I do agree with you… a lot of men in certain regions definitely do use marriage as a trap for women. A way to get all their domestic needs met without having to actually pay someone or do it themselves. In a lot of ways I see marriages that are founded on a religious belief solely something to keep the patriarchal system alive. It’s not designed for women to be equals within the relationship. It can be. If done right… but too many men don’t take accountability and hold up their end of the bargain. It’s why a lot of men leave their wives if they become disabled. Cuz she can’t perform the way he expected to around the house. I can’t tell you what’s right or wrong for you… it’s definitely a personal choice. But I would think that the God that you worship would want to be happy…

I just wanna say you are giving amazing advice!! @Lyss ❤️

He would not want you to suffer through this forever. And while the Bible is anti-cheating.. God also calls for husbands to love their wives as Christ loves the chirch… Ephesians 5:25 and Jesus is so much more loving and understanding I feel then some religions give him credit for… and God will forgive you. Forgiveness is the Christian thing to do. So I mean… my grandma tried to raise me catholic… so I do understand to a degree… but i would like to think Christians at a whole are love based… compassionate people… and if people loved you like God did… they would understand…

I wanna speak to you as a Christian and someone who has been in the church my whole entire life, but also as a daughter of parents that seems so similar to your situation🥺 they were married 20 years before she left(2yrs ago), she was so unhappy and I noticed my whole life , but felt so helpless as I couldn’t do anything about it! My relationship with my father is nonexistent and I wanted to leave and never come back for so long because I could just feel the negative energy in the house. God would 100% want you to be happy and your kids to be happy. Because they see their mama tired and can feel it! He blessed us with discernment and He will not turn you away for listening to that . It definitely sounds like your partner knows you won’t leave, so why would he want to work on those things ?? He knows you’re not going anywhere! I’m sorry you’re going through this , but pray pray pray!! He will give you the answers you need to get through this

@Lyss thank you so much, you've given me a lot to think about, and several questions to bring up in our next therapy session. 💙

And hey if you ever needed to chat you can dm me… I know sometimes it helps just to have someone bounce thoughts around! Good luck! Hope therapy goes well! 

I’d like to add that my mom’s father is a pastor , so believe me I understand it can be hard to think about that process as a Christian women. My mom was scared to go back to church for a while because of all the questions, but people who gossip and talk down on people bear no fruit in their lives , so they should not stop you from living a fruitful life and still following God’s path ! It really sounds like you’re not being valued in your marriage. “He who finds a wife , finds a good thing and receives favor from the LORD” Proverbs 18:22 , baby you are the PRIZEEEE! Never forget that❤️❤️ I’ll be praying for your family that this gets better