Life Regrets - Feeling internal crisis
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Just commenting so I can make a more useful comment a bit later on. Sending hugs poster and promise I'll comment later as heading to a hospital appointment now. X
I think you should speak with a therapist that might actually help
Hi poster. I am so sorry you're feeling this way. I am about to be 40 and recently went through a period of deep regret and reassessing my life choices. I realised that I lived my life in chronic stress and was always unable to make informed choices because I was constantly in flight or fight mode. With the help of a therapist, I have been able to delve into things incl childhood experiences and how they've impacted the choices I made. The fact that you are unable to connect with your children suggests to me there is an underlying issue here which you need to resolve so you don't impact them negatively. Re your husband and I say this with love and concern. Is it him or are you relying on him to make you happy? Are you in danger of blaming him for your life choices? I honestly think you need both individual therapy for yourself and couple councilling with your husband. Whilst I get your feelings of resentment, 20 years of building a family and relationship isn't something to be taken lightly.
At the end of it all, you need to be at peace with yourself. Wishing you all the best. X
@Morgan thank you Morgan! I'm in therapy and I have told my therapist I understand I made the choice to be with my husband, even through my internal doubts, I made the choice. I can see what you mean about the resentment being poison but the regret is there too and I can't stop it, I'm fighting but it's there daily in my thoughts. I don't want to lose my kids, and to be honest is partly the reason I'm staying in my marriage. My husband constantly tells me he regrets getting married, after we had our first child he became very critical of everything I do. I told him when she was 6 months old that I wanted to start therapy because I was really struggling and he said no way. He says my issues are that I'm selfish and lazy. I wanted to fight for my marriage and family, really hard, especially since we had our kids but my husband wouldn't acknowledge my struggle. I was at a really low point, he would tell me he wanted a divorce and after we had kids was the first time he laid a hand on me.
@Morgan I asked him to go to couples therapy, he said no, because the issues were my issues. But he wouldn't support me going to therapy. It got to a point I prayed that it would all end for me, so I would no longer feel pain and so that I wouldn't be hurting my family. I haven't been able to function properly since having kids. I told him I had thoughts of wanting it to all end for me and he criticized me for spending time on thinking about that instead of my family. I couldn't believe I had shared with someone my deep scary thoughts and that was the response. So just over a year ago the regret started to kick in full force and I stared to get upset with everything I chose to give up, I am admitting I made a choice but now I wish I had followed my gut years ago when it told me this might not be right.
OMG poster. I should have asked the context before I gave my two pence. A man laying his hands on a woman is an absolute no no no. I still think you need therapy for yourself to heal and exit safely if this is what you choose. Please also know that there is still time to do the things you've given up for marriage and kids. Choose you!
Yes ma'am. I understand what you're going through. You just freaking want him to get it. You want empathy and want to be heard and to be understood. I know types like your husband, he falls into a particular tier of men that (despite what we women may want to believe) is a "tribe man". He's very protective and rational about things especially his family. His priorities are working and providing for his family not vacation or shopping binges, etc. He seems careless or unempathetic because he won't validate your feelings because to him they aren't rational. He's likely an intellectual guy especially given his disposition about therapy. These types of guys can come off cold and even careless towards our feelings. You feel like a victim; like he manipulated you out of your desires. The reality is however, both of you lack understanding. He needs your love and your respect, you are fighting him in every corner like a cat that is in a corner but you two are not enemies. You two are on the same team.
Men like these soften when women make the first step. If you want to fight for your marriage - stop making him the enemy. If you stay in the marriage, you MUST sacrifice something very dear to you. What will it be? If you choose to leave the marriage, you MUST sacrifice something very dear to you. What will it be? There's no free lunch. You have to think about that.
Honestly this whole thing sounds toxic. Likely if you felt loved and things were going great you wouldn’t be thinking as much about all you have up. It takes 2 to make a change. He shouldn’t ever hit you. If you want to stay and make it work and he does too, you need couples counseling
Yeah it's tough. The part you need to wrestle with is the fact that you *chose* this life. You chose your husband and your children over that life. It is not fair to any one to feel this way especially to yourself. You should take responsibility and ownership here. This society is so self-centered that people just bail on their families. I've struggled with tons of choices I've made but I accept that I did make those choices and commitments. You have to take full responsibility here and the resentment is poison in your veins. Fight for what you have not what you want - you'll always end up here, just wanting more, regret, resentment, disparity. You don't want your kids and husband waving goodbye forever because you chose you, and once all your fun is up, want back in the family picture only to find that you'll never get that again. I hope this helps.