Would I be the asshole if I told my husband I wanted him pick up more of the responsibilities and not just be the "fun dad"

I have 2 daughters under 2years, one is a month old and the other is 16 months. I am a sahm while my husband works a part time job. He helps watch the oldest when he's home or has a day off, but that's all he does, just watch her. I remind him to get her up, I put her down for nap/bedtime, I feed her all her meals, I change her diaper most of the time, I do all the baths, etc and if I ask for him to help me, he just stands near by and watches while I do it. I also do EVERYTHING for our newborn, all the diapers, feeds, baths, all the night shifts even if he has the next day off, and he won't even hold her (he's scared to since she's so little). If I'm in the kitchen cooking or feeding our oldest and he's in our room with our youngest and she starts crying, he'll just ignore her until I come in and take care of her or he'll come out to the kitchen and tell me she's crying. I don't like how he parents our oldest, but that's a whole other post 😂. It's not like our kids are on a strict or complicated schedule that only I know, the oldest naps at 2 and in bed at 9, she wakes up whenever she gets up, feed her when she wakes up and a snack when she's upset. I'm just tired if being solely responsible for both kids and never getting a break. He said I could take a break and leave the house all day while he stays home with them both, but honestly idk if I can trust him to take care of them both and I hate to think that I can't trust my husband to be alone with our kids rn. Would I be an asshole for asking him to be more responsible even tho he's working and I'm not and he already spends most of the day with our oldest? Honestly I'm just so tired from not sleeping for more than a couple hours in MONTHS so idk I I'm just being lazy/dramatic...

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You wouldn’t be an asshole at all! I completely get what you’re saying that your husband works but it also doesn’t mean he can’t look after his kids when he’s not working! My husband works full time and has weekends off (I’m a STAHM with 2 under 2) but he also can be deployed for a few months but I can’t fault him when he’s home although the key was definitely communication when it came to our youngest,if he sees I’m tired he tells me to go for a nap,I’ll tell him why I can’t (bottles need to be done and eldests food needs to be sorted or something similar) and he will do it all. He’ll do bedtime with our eldest and if he has an early finish he will nap with her so it’s a win win for everyone! I started to communicate my needs when our youngest was about 2 months old as I realised I was burning myself out by doing absolutely everything by myself,I tend to do things my own way otherwise they’re not done right which has been a fault of mine but I’ve gotten so much better 4 months in!

Tell him how you’re feeling and ways that he can help. If you’re unsure how he would cope then stay in the house and just go upstairs/another room for an hour so atleast you’re there and see how he gets on! It’s an adjustment for them too but they won’t cope if they’re not given the chance if that makes sense? I was so scared to leave my partner with them both and he really surprised me so hopefully the same happens to you! Maybe make a list of things that need to be done while you’re not with them and just go from there. Little by little you’ll feel more comfortable. You don’t have to jump into the deep end and spend the day out but the fact he’s offered shows he’s comfortable to try so just try for a little bit to start ☺️

You wouldn’t be an asshole for asking him to help more. If I read this right, the only thing that might cause him to not want to help is if you have accidentally made him feel like he has no idea what he is doing or have always intervened when he was trying. Only reason I say that is the comment of “I don’t like how he parents” that could have knocked his confidence. Which could explain why he doesn’t help currently. Possibly thinking “well she doesn’t like how I do it anyways so not going to bother and she can do it herself.” Have you had a talk about parenting with him? Are you on the same page with parenting ideas and views? Don’t want you to feel bad!! I’m just trying to see it from both sides as I have done this to my hubby unknowingly! After a conversation about it, he now helps a lot. If he does something I don’t agree with o talk to him about it when it’s just us two and I offer advice on how “we” can do better together.

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