Question for gentle/responsive parents

Before you read on, I just want to ask that if you are not someone using gentle/conscious/responsive parenting techniques, I'd rather you DO NOT comment. I'm not looking for opinions on what you think about this type of parenting. So, we are doing gentle/responsive parenting and happy with it. It's everything I wish I had as a small child. It's obviously very challenging since we have no example in our life but I feel like it is the best for our daughter. I'm not the kind to follow anything to the T, so we apply what works for us. She is mostly free to explore anything she wants (we childproofed most of the house or taught her how to use safely) unless it is not safe. Which is where we have very strict boundaries. Most of our boundaries are safety related or respect related (people, other people's things, animals, plants etc). Here is my issue : our daughter is 20 months old, I'm a sahm mum, we are out and about everyday, we go to playgroups, classes, playdates etc every morning and afternoon we normally stay do to things at home. I see other mums with kids the same age going to daycare and they seem to be doing so well away from mum. Our daughter will lose her shit if she can't find me in the room within 30sec. We live in another country we're from. We have very close friends but they don't live where we are so we don't see them as much as we'd like and we have no family here. So there's no one she's really used to, to the point she could stay with them without us being there. I'm worried somehow I'm making it hard for her to take her independence (even though I'm the opposite of a helicopter mum so she has all the space she needs to be independent). Like I'm pretty sure if we were to put her to daycare she would not be able to handle it. Same if we were to leave her with someone we trust. I normally think, this is normal for her age, she's only just under 2 but now I'm wondering if she should already be able to be away from me for a little bit of time without thinking her world is ending. What are your views on this? (And thank you for reading this far)

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Hi :) From everything we’ve read on parenting - it’s normal for some kids to be extra attached. Particularly in “The Book You Wish Your Parents Have Read” by Philippa Perry, she uses an example of a child who seemed very clingy up until he was 3.5 and then felt secure enough to go out in the world and be very independent. In saying that, if you continue to feel concerned - there’s no harm in consulting a trusted GP or a good child psychologist ☺️

It’s very common for kids to experience separation anxiety up to about age 3. Does your daughter worry that you’re not there when your partner is with her too? It’s very normal for securely attached kids to check on their “safe person” to know they are there if needed and all kids are different in the amount of space/ distance they feel they need to be able to explore whilst knowing you’re close by. I would say it’s only an issue if it’s an issue for you not being able to have space. If you do need space/time to go out alone then I would be starting off very slowly with short periods where your daughter is with another safe person, I would be explaining to her what’s going to happen “mummy is going out to the shops and will be back soon” and listening to any feelings or concerns that come up for her when you talk about it and then making sure there’s plenty of warning and time to listen to feelings when you say goodbye and when you return

@Valeriya that's very true! Thank you for the book recommendation I'm adding it to my list!

@Fleur thank you so much for your comment, I needed to hear this. Especially the "securely attached kids" part. When she's with my wife it depends on the day, if she's teething, very tired, or in a development leap where she needs more support she'll cry for me, otherwise she's fine with her. I work mornings Saturday and Sunday and they have no issue, she actually doesn't want much to do with me during the weekend (as long as there's nothing going like previously stated) and wants her other mum more. Which then switches during the week because I'm the one home, it's actually pretty cute. So I guess it's like you said, she just needs to have her safe person around at the moment. I think I'll just keep doing that until I can start to introduce another safe person maybe to expand her circle. Thanks again 😊

My son is like your daughter and it’s gotten worse since we started childcare 5 months ago and he got a new little baby sibling! Also we are fortunate to have MiL and my mum to help out a lot and he has many safe people. I also wondered the same thing as you. I believe without reading about it that it’s a personality trait of theirs and he’s just more uncomfortable in a group environment. My husband and I have shy /quiet personalities.

@Simona yes I definitely agree with you, i also think it's part of who she is as an individual. Since day 1 without us saying anything, she's always been "Stanger danger". I can't really complain about that in today's world to be honest.

I'm just curious, but have you heard of object permanence?

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