Partners family breaking boundaries, who should address them?
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I think when the mum of a newborn asks you to follow some very simple rules regarding his/her care (no loose blankets, no kissing on the face, etc), it's simply disrespectful not to follow them. They might have raised their own kids 30-40 years ago, but 1) they might have forgotten a lot of things and 2) many guidelines (such as safe sleeping) have changed since then. Either way, it's irrelevant because when it comes to your child, you have a right to decide what's acceptable and what's not. Even if your mil or sil or whoever think you're being unreasonable, they should still respect your wishes as the mum. I would want my partner to support me in that and talk to them about if I wasn't close with his family and I didn't feel comfortable doing it.
This must be so frustrating for you!! Your boundaries should be listened to and it's a real shame that your partner isn't supporting you in that. After the conversation with partner, I would have one more and say to him, very clearly, that if boundaries are broken you will be addressing the issue. Tell him you'd prefer him to do it and that it would be better coming from him but if he's not going to you will because someone has to. I would do this to 'protect' yourself if you end up arguing with in-laws. At least then you can say to partner that something had to be done etc. I would also tell partner how important it is that the two of you appear united in these situations and that if he doesn't want to address it then you at least need him to support you when you tell in-laws.
@Charlotte I disagree, I've just had my second and yes I'm more relaxed this time round 1000% however setting boundaries and asking people to do simple things around newborn is not being a 'helicopter' mum, it's called creating a safe and stable environment. Allowing a 10 year old to hold a 3 week old unattended is extremely irresponsible. Also, yes the blanket thing may seem more extreme out of context but it sounds like in-laws are purposefully untucking blanket and just generally being difficult. That's not OK. It's disrespectful behaviour.
@Grace we did have the conversation once I had cooled down and my partner did speak to them after each incident however in the end he was annoyed it was on him to say something and not me. My whole point for asking him to speak to them is we live in different cities and I wouldn’t have kept my cool in talking to them after how his life was risked and how disrespected I have felt as a mother. I wanted them to enjoy their weekend together and if I had spoken and potentially argued with his family I would have hated for him to have to deal with the aftermath of that both sides. He said he would prefer me to say it and if it turns into an argument then so be it. Tricky one as we are a team and neither of us were in the wrong just viewed who should have the conversations differently. Have said next time visiting we will address clearly boundaries and if anything is broken I will not hold back
I think you've done the right thing in going to him first but if he won't say anything (I'd be fuming if that was me) then you can say something every time. I agree with Charlotte that MIL is probably just trying to help but this is your baby your rules and nobody gets to override what you want. Next time you see family have the baby firmly attached to you in a sling! Feed upstairs in another room and ask for privacy if you want to. You'll probably get comments "it was fine in my day" "SIL turned out fine" which would also enrage me and I'd also see red if they tried to blame your hormones...but stand your ground, grit your teeth and try and reply calmly
Just read your reply too...I'm annoyed on your behalf that he felt annoyed that it was on him to say something when it's his family repeatedly overstepping boundaries! Of course it should come from him initially 100%, that's how we keep the peace! He should have been annoyed at his family needing to be told so many times not annoyed at you that it's "all on him" especially when you're only 3 weeks pp
I addressed my boundaries myself with those involved 😊 X
I completely agree with you, neither of you are wrong here just you have different opinions on who it falls on to say something. I'm glad he addressed it because as you said it shows a united front but now you have his views too at least you know if you address and an argument occurs then you've got him on your side
Baby does have a blanket, it is just tucked in securely under the mattress following safe sleeping guidelines with his feet placed at the bottom of the Moses basket. This was told and the blanket never moves. She untucked the blanket so it wasn’t secure and placed him high up in the Moses basket and covered his whole body under his face which puts them at risk of wriggling underneath.