Rant

Why don’t you all go and stay at his parents occasionally? I can understand not wanting baby to go with dad alone as I wouldn’t want to be away from my baby, but it might be nice for the paternal grandparents to get to see baby for a whole weekend occasionally, with you there too. They might not feel that welcome at yours if they know you dislike them, so it might help you bond with them better, even if they are a bit old fashioned. I’m not clear if your husband goes with you to your parents but if you’re going frequently away from him to see your parents, he might be missing a chance to build a better bond with baby if he’s working through the week. I can understand feeling protective but this doesn’t sound like a positive approach, maybe there’s a middle ground where you can spend more time as a family together

@Eilidh No husband doesn’t come and stay with me when I go to my parents. My parents aren’t too keen on him as they can see how useless of a dad he is….

Do you actually let him do these things though or do you do it all yourself? It’s his baby too and he has the same rights as you do 🤷🏼‍♀️

@Lauryn yep he tries to get baby down for a nap and then when he “cant” he just passes baby to me. He doesn’t try for long enough…..he picks and chooses when he wants to do stuff for baby….like he wants to do the easy stuff! He’s never tended to baby in the night or even offered to help me

Mmm I mean you are publicly calling him useless so maybe your attitude contributes to the situation? Either way he will only learn by doing it

I think this sounds really tough. Honestly I think parenting is only going to get harder with potty training, weaning, tantrums, behaviour issues.. If you can, I think it’s worth prioritising getting your husband to be a better support to you and to baby, even if it requires a bit of handholding (which it shouldn’t and must be infuriating). Maybe couples counselling would help or your parents can help him see where he needs to do more. I’d be wary of resentment building and it creating a toxic environment for you and baby. I think you’re 100% right not to want baby away from you, but if there’s a way for him to be a better dad and for you to feel more supported it might help the situation with both sets of grandparents

@Eilidh well this is it, before baby I spoke to his parents about his lazy behaviours and they spoke to him but nothing changed, so then we went to therapy for three months….again, nothing changed…..then I asked my parents to speak with him and again he didn’t take no notice…..I feel like I’ve tried everything and he just doesn’t want to be a good husband or dad

I think you’re not in the wrong, my worry is about the subtext and how let down you’re feeling, which I would too. I think it sounds like there’s more needed to get you and him back on track and enable him to be a better dad. It doesn’t come naturally to a lot of men, and is really annoying to watch but doesn’t mean they don’t want to help. My friend had the same situation and after a year they got divorced, and now her ex gets the kids twice a month whether she likes it or not. That’s really extreme sorry I’m just thinking you don’t want it to escalate to that, but there probably needs to be more focus on you 3 as a family unit and not the maternal grandparents vs dad or paternal grandparents vs mum that there is now

@Eilidh well I’ve thought about divorce and the thing that stops me is the fact he would have our little boy all by himself every week or whatever without me but then on the other hand I’m thinking how unhappy I am in the marriage and do I just have to put up with it whether I like or or not it. It’s just tough. He chooses to work on Saturdays when he doesn’t have to and I keep saying I want to do more family things as a three but he doesn’t prioritise me or baby one bit.

My partner is exactly the same as yours! On top of that, he keeps making me feel like the useless parent even though I struggle alone with our daughter everyday, and am the one doing 99% of the parenting. I'm the one up several times a night with her for half an hour at a time and sleep deprived, and I am the one who never gets a break. I think that while your baby is equally yours and his, if he's just enjoying the fun bits of being a parent and delegating the hard bits to you, then it should be you making the decisions. The bit about not trying to calm baby for long enough and then passing back to you really rings home for me. I'll have her for ages then when I'm utterly exhausted, he will occasionally take her for a couple minutes and I'll think I'm having a break, but then he passes her back to me saying "I think she wants a feed" which feels like a cop out, especially as she feeds much less than before.

I do get it. You have every right to put your foot down, you've earned it. If course the ideal scenario is both of you having an equal say in what happens, but that in my mind requires equal effort in parenting. I don't know if I'm making any sense. I just feel like people are concerned about "equality" when it comes to giving fathers more rights and cutting them slack for "not knowing any better". But seemingly not for when it comes to making sure they put in equal effort.

@Marina yes that totally makes sense and I never really bought about it like that but you are totally right. It’s just shitty when he has a go at me for going to my parents …..like I go there to have a break and they care for me too…..whereas at home, I’m the one doing everything…..housework, looking after baby etc! I’ve never had a break since our baby was born 6 months ago, I haven’t even as much as sat and had a nice long bath …..I never get a break…..he gets to do what he wants at weekends whether he chooses to work or go out with friends or get a haircut etc…..I don’t get to do any of that.

And that is extremely unfair. If you both were putting in equal effort, then I'd maybe say "OK he has a point" and then I'd think it'd be fair for him to want the same arrangement with his parents. But the fact that he's clearly not supporting you, the mother of his child, and a human being with feelings in your own right, is in my mind reason enough to disregard what he thinks about you visiting your parents as you too deserve a break. Mothers aren't robots.

My partner literally said going to work is for him "having a break" from parenting, despite the fact I do most of the parenting when we are home together. The fact he finds the bare minimum so tough, really puts it into perspective how hard it is to be a mother. He can't deal with 2 hours with her on her own in the mornings because it's too hard. Yes it is bloody hard, but I do 10 hours on my own every day. I get no help, but he does as he's never home with her without me. He's also now spending more and more time at work and is going to even be away overnight at some point soon too, for work. I'll be left on my own with her for 2 days straight. Yeah it's so unfair when they expect a break because they've been working all day, I'm sorry but, what do they think we do all day? We're just not paid for it lol. I'm sorry for ranting, I just feel your pain.

@Marina I’m so sorry you’re going through this too! It’s soo tough being a mother and trying to juggle everything! It’s rubbish when partners don’t pull their weight and the fact they say they find parenting so hard when all they do is bare minimum is a joke!! I just feel upset by his comments and I hate this whole point scoring like oh my parents have spent time with their grandson ….oh and now his parents need the same! To put it into perspective my in laws have barely bought anything for their grandson…. Not that it’s about presents or money…..but at Christmas they bought my son nothing at all not even a card with money. This is their first grandchild and it was his first Xmas …..they’re so fake and pretend to coo over him but I don’t feel they are genuine at all. My parents are the ones always there to lend a helping hand and buy baby things that we need …..in-laws couldn’t care less…..they could even help with buying formula or nappies and wipes if they wanted but nope!

I think it’s normal for your parents to be more involved since you gave birth to your baby and they’re helping take care of you. In most instances it’s the maternal grandparents that are more involved because the mum is usually the main caregiver, even in more even partnerships unfortunately. On the upside it’s nice not having in-laws being overbearing, interfering or intrusive. It’s fair they want to spend time with their grandbaby and they might show love in different ways from buying presents, and they might not think to help with buying things like nappies etc. I keep thinking if my little boy grows up and marries someone I don’t see eye to eye with I wouldn’t want to not get to spend time with my grandchildren.. of course I’ll try and raise him to be a better partner than it sounds like your husband is being. Honestly, therapy for yourself to talk it out and figure out where your head is at, none of this sounds easy at all, then I’d re-try couples therapy for the sake of your son

I also think it’s quite common for dads to be a bit useless with babies but then come into their own when the baby is a toddler or a little older.. it could be that he’ll get better at supporting you with time. I know it doesn’t feel fair for you to have to do the baby phase effectively solo, but he might improve.. could he do bath time or something to give you a break? Or cook dinner while you’re doing bedtime routine? It might need thinking outside the box but there should be a way for him to be a better partner for you, it just might not be exactly how you would have wanted

Yes it is a joke indeed, if it's hard for them for a couple of hours then they should have empathy for what we have to deal with, with being alone with baby for the whole day everyday. They should realise how hard we have it and endeavour to help more. If his parents want to see your son, they need to pull their finger out and earn that privilege. My MIL is the same, she thinks it's her right to have access to my daughter whenever she pleases just because she's her grandmother. They feel entitled when they haven't earned it.

Of course grandparents shouldn't ever have to "earn" seeing their grandchildren, but they should atleast show a genuine interest in doing so, helping out, and showing respect for the parents and their choices. It should never be against your wishes, regardless of your reasons, you are his mother, and by the sounds of it, almost stole caregiver, so the decision should be yours. Your partner and his family need to step up, or else, allow you to seek help and support from your own family.

@Eilidh Thank you so much ❤️

@Marina yeah exactly! They should see how hard it is and think right okay where can I help and what can I do. It’s just so exhausting to always be doing everything all of the time.