Arguments with husband

My husband and I are arguing lots at the moment. I can’t get him to properly communicate without it leading to an argument. Issues include his insomnia, him not getting a pay rise in years and doing nothing about it, I’m struggling with a long commute and want to move (he works from home) but he doesn’t want to move until we can afford a huge upgrade which would be years. He gets angry and swears a lot (not what I would class as abusive more that he easily gets frustrated and does have likely though undiagnosed adhd). Every argument he claims I started and although I try to see his side and say this he never sees mine. I got so frustrated at getting nowhere I decided to put all my thoughts in an email. It was long but carefully thought through and balanced -admitting things I could work on as well as highlighting what he can work on, explaining how much I’m struggling and mainly suggesting ways forward and ideas of solutions to the various issues. I did say he could take his time to read before we discuss and suggested we make a time to talk e.g. go for a walk. However that was three weeks ago and when I try to ask it now turns out he’s only just read it all. If it were the other way round I’d have wanted to read it instantly. And he had a couple of nights with me and baby away. The other side is he does do lots for me and our daughter (1years old). He cooks most meals, does help with household stuff, has her for one day a week at home when I work (I work three days nursery other two but he takes her in the morning as I leave early). Due to being awake anyway with his insomnia he does most night wakes. We eat together and watch things together most nights -I get annoyed he then stays up playing games but then I know others have a husband gaming or out at the pub or something many nights so I should perhaps be grateful as he does cook lovely meals that we eat together. Am I being unreasonable to be annoyed it’s taken so long to read when I did tell him he could take time? He’s just ignoring the issues for now but for me it’s all constantly on my mind especially after putting it all out there in the email -initially when I sent it (and I warned him I was) I felt a weight off my shoulders but waiting to talk it through my anxiety is growing. We are now planning to talk on Saturday. I’m not sure if I’m blowing stuff out of proportion and should try to value the good things he does more and I try to think this but then get irritated again by the issues and lack of proper communication, but then I know most guys struggle with communicating so maybe I need to accept this to a certain degree. Not sure what I’m hoping for here just wanted to get all that off my chest thought this may be a good forum for it.

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I’d recommend the book ‘Too Tired to Fight’ by Erin and Stephen Mitchell x

Omg this is too relatable. I’m not sure what advice to give, but I go through same thing, more or less. We also have a one year old and things have gone down the hill badly recently. We used to be super happy before having our son, but he found out he is suspected to have adhd and he is now diagnosed with depression. We struggle to communicate too. He tends to go into extremes. A couple of days ago he left me and my son. And said he is done and that he doesn’t want to be with me, that all he cares is our son and himself, but not me. I think you have to accept that he is struggling as well. And especially to communicate. Sometimes we just have to be nice to them even though they’re not. I think they will soon realise what is happening and will give it back. Maybe you are thinking more about it than he is?

I think the fact that he has insomnia and is doing most of the night wakes probably has a massive effect. Just to put it in balance, when I was doing most/all of the night wakes, I felt I was going insane.. I think reading an email could potentially be too much of a mental load when you're already not doing great mentally. The insomnia can also make you feel ragey. It's good you two are going to have a discussion, I hope it's productive and you hear each other 🙏

Tbf, giving someone who has adhd a massive email to read is counter productive. My partner has it too and he would HATE that, he would be pushing to talk instead. He sounds like he's decent for the most part though, so I'd probably try to appreciate the positives

Having a guy do most of the cooking and night wakes is something I’ve hardly heard of. Sounds like he’s putting a lot of effort in. Given his insomnia he could be feeling irritable and not able to concentrate so much on the lengthy email. Hopefully your discussion goes well and you can both get your points of view out.

I can relate! Loads of arguments! You’re lucky he cooks and does night wakes - I do all cooking, tidying laundry, routines. He does a bit of cleaning and has recently moved into the spare to ‘get better sleep’! I’m at my wits end!

Thanks all. Actually he was happy to read the email in the end and said he agreed with it all. Yes I know I’m lucky he cooks, but it’s as we seem to have a role reversal I didn’t choose to have that I’m the one with a long work commute while he is at home barely working which still frustrates me. Yes other partners might not cook but likely they are going out working and earning more money. But he has now (slightly grudgingly) agreed we can start looking to move closer to my work

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