How to give feedback to adhd husband

On top of that LO is very active and doesn't like when I'm sat down. She screams and cries as she is so bored. She is always like, outside outside outside, and he could do all these things but he chooses himself.

The worst part is, after playing games all day, like all day, he would come to me in the evening and talk about how bored he is. Which i know is a part of adhd, but damn, I haven't done any hobbies since LO came as I'm having to take on all the extra responsibility. He was only diagnosed this year and we still wait for tablets, but I'm drowning and he is also angry and defensive about doing nothing. He has excuses for everything and I'm trying my best not to argue but he will make a mountain out of a mole hill. I've seen videos about it, such as cleaning bathroom isn't considered one task, it is like: finding the cleaning materials, walking to bathroom, then each thing is the bathroom is another task, so it ends up being 7 tasks and then putting the cleaning materials away. Like emptying the dishwasher drives him crazy, but he wouldn't even clean the dishes and that drove me crazy as I'd be spending LOs naps cleaning dishes.

He doesn't cook, he doesn't clean, he doesn't do admin, he doesn't look after LO, he rarely sorts the cats which was his job and let's their litter box get nasty, he doesn't do DIY, he doesn't garden, .... I'm so stressed

So in the end I haven't rested my foot, and my wound opened again

I haven't done any of the chores, they're just there waiting for me to get better, my wound opened because I'm looking after LO and having to still cook which means picking LO up and helping her down the stairs etc to get her lunch and dinner and everything to make sure she is OK. Asking him or calling him is difficult as it's always "yes" but... after this match etc. He is a nice guy, but he really is selfish and self centred. It made his look good to take time off work to look after me, but he isn't helping apart from the one time he drove me to the hospital for stitches and the second time to have a check up on the healing.

My husband has pretty bad ADHD as well and it has been working a little for me to bring up something in the moment that’s bugging me (eg. I’m tired and need help with keeping up with baby bottles) then he knows something is up at that time. We wait a little, usually about an hour, and discuss it. I’ve notice that it helps him not feel attacked and me more heard. It doesn’t always work for a long time and we’ve had the same convos a few times but after the third time it tends to no longer be an issue. The biggest thing I’ve learned is I can’t tell him everything at once or it doesn’t end well and he gets defensive and nothing changes

No girl, sorry not buying it. I was late diagnosed with ADHD but yet I still work full-time, cook clean all that shit and look after a 5yo too. Some people just use ADHD as an excuse! Now I can understand executive dysfunction and not being able to get things done what you need to, but he took a week off work to look after your child and he’s pissing about spending 16hrs gaming?? 🥴 He’s using ADHD as an excuse for not doing anything when in actual fact he’s just a lazy bugger. Maybe he’ll be different once medicated, but personally I don’t think he’ll change. Sounds like you need to figure out an exit plan because otherwise your kid will think living in squalor is normal.

@Rebecca if I say that, he wouldn't take it to help. I've tried saying something a little later on and he will stop me talking and still get defensive talking about all the things he does, which he actually cannot say what he does. If I say I'm really tired I need help, he gets a huff and will tell me how he is tired too.

Also, I have a cat too and if anything, it’s part of my daily routines to make sure she is fed, her toilet is cleaned several times during the day and she’s been played with. Plus with her hair, I vacuum twice daily. My house would be a shithole if I didn’t lol. Animals usually help people with ADHD because of routines. If he’s not even doing basic care for them, maybe you should think about re-homing them as then it’ll be one less issue to worry about. Can you go to your parents’ home now, to aid your recovery? Or look into hiring a care assistant/nurse from a care agency for a 1 or 2 hour daily visit to make sure that YOU are ok?

@Neena I feel actually awful as I have thought i probably need to leave. Once I'm back at work full time I won't be able to keep up because quite frankly a lot of the mess is him and not LO. His clothes are on the floor, he puts tissues in the floor (!?), he empties his pockets on the counters and leaves them, if he makes food he just walks away leaving the dirty chopping board and packets on the side, the bathroom is dirty mainly because of him not flushing the toilet and he doesn't clear his hair after the shower and leaves water mess everywhere which then causes mold build up. Like, I get so angry, even if I was a house wife, I think it's unfair to make the job more difficult for what? All it does is make me tired and then he complains how were not intimate enough.. well yeah, you play video games which is a turn off (he wasn't like this before marriage) and im annoyed that you don't help at all. When I'm perfectly healthy and LO is at nursery (which only started recently) i can do everything

I brush the cats, clip their fur, vacuum (which takes only 10 minutes... like we live minimal on purpose to make jobs easy it only clothes i need to pick up which makes the house smell like piss), I can prep food, slow cook, and do everything, but it does mean I can't work if I do that. I have to get LO looked after for me to get it done as well as the garden done

Here are some things that work for me Incog: 1. I set timers. So say the kitchen is a bombsite and I feel overwhelmed to clean. I’ll set a 5 min timer on my phone to do one task. Whether that’s empty dishwasher, wash dishes, clean out fridge etc and what usually happens is once I’m in the task, the dopamine is flowing and I find I naturally just continue onto doing the next task. Or if it’s a bad day, at least I got one task done and can revisit the rest later. 2. Routine, routine, routine! Wake up, use toilet, brush teeth, shower, get dressed. Those fundamental things set up my day. So even if I sofa rot for the day, at least I am clean. It also sets you up for success (usually) as you’ve had that dopamine hit and want to carry on. 3. With meals I find it easier on days I have more energy to batch cook, or have easy meals such as pizza so I can shove it in oven and it doesn’t require much brain power.

4. I try and tackle one room in the house daily so as not to be too overwhelmed. So one day I’ll set timer in bathroom and clean the sink. If the motivation doesn’t come, I’ll come back later and do another 5 mins, until the whole bathroom is clean. 5. I set one day aside for all laundry as in wash/dry/put away. I found I was leaving it all over the house when I did it over days. 6. Make sure I’ve had adequate sleep. If I don’t, those are the days that are most unproductive. 7. Don’t sit down!! If I need to get something done, I will purposely leave my phone upstairs out of sight and it forces me to crack on.

Every job takes like 10 mins, even quicker if we do it together. But with build up it takes longer... he gets mad when I do the litter box (and me tok because I'm having to stop LO touching things) but he doesn't get off the game to look after her or take over. He asks me why I'm doing it, when clearly not a single inch of the litter is clean for the cats. I've tried those tactics on him, I've said about timers and things and even about morning routine, but he gets pulled in by scrolling and his computer. I've tried suggesting not going on the computer as soon as he wakes up, like he is currently taking the shower. With brushing the teeth it's a hassle. I'll suggest these again, as they sounds amazing thank you, but overall he isn't taking this in to do it himself. Or, he will have a good 2 days and then revenge procrastinate for a month or three before doing it again

I've suggested timers, alarms, routine etc... he absolutely hates routine, and he asks me to warn him at night to go to bed, but I can and it won't work and I refuse to lose sleep having to worry about making him go to bed. I asked and asked about setting an alarm to go to bed. But, he is impulsive with everything and it's impossible at this point

Like, he keeps me awake until 3am as I can hear the chair creaking as he plays games and then I'll see it's 3 am and go to the room but by then it's too late as he has to wake up at 6/7am to go to work so sometimes he doesn't see the point and then I know this means the next day or week he will do absolutely nothing and even call in sick to work, and it's like I'm a single mum and I'm alone anyway as he thinks only for himself. Romance is gone as that's too much effort. Dating is gone as that's too much effort. Intimacy is gone as im not easy to satisfy and too much effort, which makes him feel bad as I don't orgams etc. Like everything is too much effort, then too boring because he did something, and life is just colourless now.

Everything you’ve described Incog is laziness and piss poor parenting from his mum. It takes seconds to use a loo brush after a shit. It takes seconds to gather your hair from plughole. BUT he’s been taught that because he’s “A Man” he is far too important to do such menial tasks! That’s woman’s work 🥴 I’m not saying his ADHD doesn’t exacerbate things, but fuck me, the majority of what you’ve written is sheer laziness. Also if you know you are neurodivergent you try and build in things so your life doesn’t get fucked up. If I cook, I clean as I go. Because I used to just leave things out and then eat. Now I have disciplined myself to tidy up whilst things are cooking and only sit to eat when everything is clean. It shouldn’t just be on you to make sure your home is clean. He sounds like a huge liability and you’d probably be much better off without a manchild to parent.

I know.. like, I've tried to suggest in the past that instead of leaving the kitchen to play a game and therefore burn the food, he could use the time to clean up and stay in the kitchen. I get quite stressed watching him make things more difficult for him as well as us. When I was full time working without LO, I was consistently burnt out. Migrains, vertigo, bloating, and more as even though he'd be home two hours before me... he didn't do things andnid come home to a bombshell and a mess and have to cook and we'd be eating so late and I'd need to go to bed as I woke up 2h before him too. He winged at how we were housemates and it took me a while to realise he was the cause of it. If he just cooked us dinner before i came home we'd eat and then have a few hours together. But instead I was always doing something

If the tablets don't help, I will seriously consider it. I've suggested he do CBT for ADHD to learn how to work around his barriers as well as the tablets when they come. But, if he isnt willing,then I got to go because he makes me actually sick... like my body is shutting down

He is using his adhd to get away with bloody murder and that isn't fair on you guys

ADHD or not, this situation isn’t going to work. I’d consider leaving because you’re going to absolutely burn out living with someone so utterly useless. There’s no way your relationship will survive the resentment that will build up over time. I’d be very clear with him that if he doesn’t take steps to mitigate his own ADHD, eg therapy/treatment, and start contributing to the household, then you will need to leave for your own mental and physical wellbeing. He needs a reality check. I know plenty of people with ADHD who manage to contribute to household and childcare tasks just fine…

I have deal with ADHD my whole life and I’m still a functional adult, there is nonexcuse. Yes, my house can be messy and I forget to cook sometimes but i hate that people use it as an excuse! He doesn’t want to work with his condition because is an easy excuse to be lazy and not do the job. Give him a list Of things to do and an ultimatum that if he doesn’t do it he will have consequences . That should trigger his urgent reaction.

Nope nope nope! My partner has adhd and although a few of these things resonate with me, he is not like this! If I ask him to do a few jobs that need doing and I am incapable of doing them, he will do it. This man is just pure fucking lazy!

Funnily enough my husband is also ADHD but we manage it completely different. We have list for everything so basically we are not allowed to be bored here 😂 raising 2 little kids so there is always stuff to do!! We do treat ourselves whenever we complete a list, with a takeaway or a nice date night. They are basic list, from doing laundry, changing bulbs or fixing things that are broken in the house. Sometimes it takes ua a day to go through it, other times a month but we get there 😅😅😅

Just have him read what you wrote

@Josefa where do you have this list? Please? I wish he would like lists, he considers everything boring though. How does your husband not find it boring? I had a migraine early this year and he had to do chores and it caused a massive explosion of stress and he went off work for a week.

Is not like a elaborating stuff. We have a big pad in the fridge and two small and we write everything we see around that needs to be done, for example: call the doctor for prescription, sort bday present, change bulb, buy nappies, and then at the end of each week we check what needs to be done Urgent or what can be done later and we divide who is in charge of each in the small one. For cleaning, luckily we have someone helping us with that as it was a constant argument so we just “mantain” the cleaning during the week. Shopping for groceries we do one weekly online because we found it easier as it save our previous one and we repeat it, checking what we have base on that, if we do it just guessing we will Probably forget half of the stuff! My husband finds it boring but he also understands that one of us have to do it and it’s our kids and house. Life is not about doing things that keeps us entretain. I think most humans find boring doing chores but they have to be done

I agree, I don't find chores super exciting which is why I like to keep on top of it so it's not a big chore. I have a pad on the fridge, I'll start writing stuff on it. I used it as a menu, but might be better for chores. We do weekly food shops online too, but I have to do it and organise it and make the food, he absolutely hates planning food and cooking... he even tried eating a sausage uncooked as it stressed him too much to just cook it. He was sick of course. I want to hire a weekly cleaner, for at least the kitchen and bathrooms. How much is it, and how many hours do you hire for? If you don't mind my asking. I'm not yet back full time so our income is slim. But I do think it is necessary for us, even if I keep the house as minimalistic as I possibly can. I just "rage cleaned" in 40 minutes whilst he went back to bed after dropping LO in the nursery. Floors vacummed and mopped, surfaces cleaned and declutterd, emptied dishwasher, filled dishwasher, clothes in wash, bins emptied...

I know it doesn't seem nice, and I explained to him i have to do it quickly as there is just too much, he called me mean when I asked to help clean the house... he said he has done so much this week and I complimented him (even though he hadn't done any chores, but he definitely did more than normal) but our LO isn't here and there is too much to do to let it sit. He told me I should be resting, and the problem is... if I rest he rests. He never does anything at all if I'm not, he might be inspired if I'm doing things, but if I'm not then he too will not. I just hobbled along on my heel and just did it and now the whole house feels nice. I haven't yet done the litter box which I think has been neglected for 3 days. I haven't seen any poop bags next to the back door 😕 you can smell the box halfway down the stairs...

I said in the nicest tone I can, complimented and even named some things I saw, like stacking the dishes next to the dishwasher etc, and tried to say like Rebecca how I'm hurting and need help cleaning the house... but he still felt attacked and said I'm mean - it's like he can't see that every inch of the floor is covered in fur, dishes are stacking, grime in the bathroom and toilets, bins over flowing, cardboard boxes everywhere on the floor, nappy bags piling next to doors... I don't want to list it or name it, so I just started doing it and apologised that I will be doing it fast which upsets him

Incog with the greatest respect, it sounds like you have a toxic enabling co-dependency relationship and by you picking up the slack, has hidden how bad his actual laziness is, as he knows he can always rely on you to sort it out (despite his grumbling/moaning). You’ve had surgery and are meant to be resting/healing. Your wound opened previously by picking up the slack from him once before. Do you need to end up in hospital before taking your health and this situation seriously?? Can you stay somewhere safe? Your parents? Friends? Anywhere? Whilst you’re resting, please Google your local cat charities and re-home your cat. If you need a cleaner, Google agencies and ask them how long they would need based on your property size and find out their rates.

Once you’re recovered, you really do need to leave him because all you’re doing is putting a plaster on the situation by picking up the slack. Nothing is ever going to change. All the lists in the world will not help him. You can lead a horse to water and all that. Eating an uncooked sausage because it “stressed” him too much to cook it? I beg your finest pardon! That is mental illness my friend and quite frankly, if he’s that blasé about things, are you not concerned about your child? When your child gets older and eats meals, is he gonna be too stressed to cook for them and give them raw food? Get well first, then figure out a plan to leave because you deserve peace and not to live in squalor. You’re not a mental health carer, he needs proper help. He needs to go back to GP and ask for referrals for his mental health. ADHD is just another symptom, I fear he actually has much bigger issues than you suspect as honestly what you’ve described he does is so far removed from normality.

You are correct, and the reason I have no where to go and prefer to be here is that my mother isn't the best. I'd rather be here and have freedom than be under her toxic control stepping on egg shells. I suppose I'm too nice to him because I fear being like my mum. I tried to trust her again after I gave birth by asking to stay whilst my husband was at work, and she seemed so kind and happy, but ended up telling me to buy my own food and cook for myself (which is why I wanted to be there as I was ebf every 2h and needed help) and I had to clean her house, do everything exactly when she asked or she will turn the whole family against me. She went to my brother and I stayed at hers, and I immediately got a text from him demanding I pay my mum for everything she has done, despite she hasn't done anything except have me cleaning her house and doing her washing (her house is like always hotel level clean, it has to be cleaned twice a day ever since I was young). So I know i have things to unpack with that

She even planned things when I asked her not too, but without telling me so that I just had to, I ended up not eating for 16h+ 1month pp as she lied saying we were just going out for 1h and ended up being out gone past evening whilst I was ebf and I was not prepared so not food or water or anything. She doesn't eat much, and so it didn't matter to her.. She has total control over my whole family so if I even text my brother she has to find out and twist and turn it to find a way to hurt me or make me look bad.

When I met my husband, he wasn't like this. We were a team, we were good, we did things together and so i thought that was who he was... I didn't go into this relationship knowing that things would start crumbling down and I didn't notice at first it was his doing. I blamed myself for being slow or disorganised until I had therapy and took a step back. It was me who suggested he get checked for adhd, and I'm glad he is diagnosed, but I'm not happy how he uses it and excuses himself ... This is an awful thought, but, I would hate to pass away and leave LO with him alone. Yes, shenwould be fed etc,but his laziness makes him sick and he could do it to her... he won't organise her things and he will just give her screen time even though we spoke about all this before having children. We seemed compatible with our ideas and views, but somehow this all vanished.

Bless you Incog, your mother and family sound AWFUL. You’ve done well to turn out great after such a horrible upbringing.