I really need some advice!! Please help!! And please be nice!!
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@Sam I know. We’ve had so many talks about it. He’s kinda admitted that he’s done the stuff with the woman but denies everything with the men. He claims he doesn’t remember doing any of it so there’s no possible way he could have done any of the stuff. I’m just lost and tired of feeling like this.
Personally, I would be pressuring him for marriage counseling, couples therapy, or divorce. Talking that kind of way to anyone besides your spouse is unacceptable. The two of you need to be on the same page regarding the meaning and boundaries of marriage. Unfortunately, if you don't both agree on the value and importance of a faithful marriage then y'all aren't really compatible. Did you two do any premarital counseling at all? If so you might consider reaching out to your counselor.
@Anna I’ve brought marriage counseling up but he’s never like the idea of therapy
Do you care if he likes men? It sounds like he was just telling you what he thought you’d want to hear and not being honest with himself. You don’t just wake up one day not liking men anymore. For the sake of your child I’d definitely look at marriage counseling and/or personal therapy and I think it’s gonna have a lot to do with you accepting him for who he is and him working out his issues with monogamy
Even if he won't go at first I recommend trying to find a therapist with CSAT accreditation and talking with them about what's going on. Hopefully he agrees to join you eventually. You vaguely mention some things that happened when he was a kid, confusion around his sexual identity, and online cruising- all of which makes me think a CSAT is your best bet. Talking to a professional might help you navigate what's going on with him and make decisions about how you want to move forward. Ultimately, though, he sounds like he needs help. He has to be willing to do the work, otherwise the cycle will continue. You can't change him or do the work for him. Sending you lots of love, be gentle with yourself.
@Sarah thank you so much
@Alina he says that he’s never fully liked men just that he thought it was ok at one point but something in his mind would always stop him from pursuing them. It doesn’t bother me that he likes men but I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t truly want me.
When there's smoke, there is usually fire. It is hard to build something if there is no trust. You also love yourself, and if that means that there are boundaries, then he needs to make a decision. Remember that your safety is also at risk if he is with various partners (male or female)
I personally wouldn't care if he likes men or not... The major problem here is that this men is clearly not loyal to you, gaslight you and is not even bringing a solution to change. If you accept at staying with someone who is like this it's ok but if you expect this to change, it won't happen. I can see you love him and that's great. But does he love you? Would you do that to someone you love ? Probably not. He shows through his actions he doesn't love you, nor respect you. Sorry this sounds hard
Only you can make that decision but if he wants to fix it tell him he needs to be 100% honest with you or you’ll leave if he can be truthful there could be hope but if he’s just going to tell lie after lie he’ll ruin your marriage. There’s only so much you’ll be able to take I know from experience.