Considering divorce

My husband and I have been together for 6.5 years, married for 3.5 years. We have a 2 yr old and 3 month old. With our first he was very supportive and involved since my pregnancy. He would make sure I always ate, packed me lunch for work, massaged my feet etc. it was so nice! When baby was born it was new for both of us but he tried bonding with the baby, and helped so I could nap during the day. With my second pregnancy he was so different, didn’t do any of the nice things he did with the first, was a little disappointed but I didn’t think too much about it. But now he avoids the baby, he hides from us when he gets a break from work (he works from home). I have found him napping when he’s supposed to be working. Which has upset me bc instead of thinking to give me a break to nap (he doesn’t help with the baby overnight, he sleeps in the guest room so he could be well rested for work) he decides he’s more tired than I am. He has verbalized how he doesn’t want to be left alone with the baby bc he is so fussy. I have let all this just go on and now I am at wit ends bc he always puts others in front of mine and the kids needs. What I mean by this: his family (siblings, parents, cousins) want to do a lake vacation this summer (end of July). While discussing stay and accommodations it is mentioned that one of the cousins will be traveling with their dogs. I am severely allergic to dogs, it flares my asthma and I can’t breathe properly, especially at night. So instead of reminding (bc his family knows this) everyone that I’m allergic and we won’t be able to stay in the same place if dogs will be around, he thinks of the cousin instead of me. When he got off the phone he goes “oh you’re gonna be mad.” I was overhearing conversation so I was aware there would be dogs. He never mentioned how this wouldn’t work out for US (the family he created) bc he didn’t want to inconvenience said cousin since he was driving such a long distance with his dog. Okay what about me? His wife that will be FLYING a long way with our 2 kids?! So basically the dog takes precedence over me 🙃 I said I wouldn’t go if that’s the case and his response was “okay well let me take N****” (our toddler). I said “who will take care of M**** while I’m at work and you are gone?” His response was “well you were going to request the days off for the trip, still take them off and stay home.” My point of this long story is that he ALWAYS cares more about others needs/wants/accommodations over mine and the kids. We go through a similar scenario AT LEAST once a year (when we make plans to travel to see his family). Like I understand it’s his family and he wants to see them. (I’m not trying to prevent him from seeing them). But I’m pretty allergic and taking pills isn’t enough. He doesn’t seem to care about my breathing/health. Overall, the principle of this is that he is more accommodating/understanding towards others than his own wife/family. All of this has me considering asking for a divorce bc I don’t think I want to keep going through this. It’s so mentally taxing and I get so frustrated that I take it out on the kids (it’s definitely not their fault). So idk if it’s the PP hormones and I’m over reacting or are my feelings valid? P.S if you made it this far in reading, you’re an angel lol

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I do not think you’re over reacting at all. Dumb question, but have you tried taking to him about this? What about marriage counseling? The whole dog situation, he was a total dick. He could’ve reminded his family that you’re allergic and it wasn’t fair. He shouldn’t have said well you’re taking those days off anyways so just stay home. I mean if I were you, I’d prolly leave.

in your defense divorce NOW.

Based on what you've said, jumping to a divorce feels like a leap (and maybe there's more to the story we aren't getting... only you know). You've basically said you've let things go, that they've upset you, but you didn't think about it or let it go. Have you talked to him? Have you told him how you're feeling? Also, have you checked in with how he is doing? My husband suffered in silence for the whole first year of our son. He was struggling badly with depression and thoughts of not wanting to be alive (not suicide, just that he'd be fine if he died). I had no idea because I was having my own struggles with PPD. But the becoming reclusive and napping a lot just have me wondering if that's a possibility. I think your first step needs to be a long, hard discussion and potentially beginning couple's counseling. I wouldn't jimp right to divorce for these reasons.

@Ashlee About this specific situation or me considering a divorce? I once suggested us going to family therapy (so he could be better parents) and he said he wasn’t going to pay for someone to tell him to take deep breaths. So i highly doubt he would be open to marriage counseling. He said he didn’t remind them bc he didn’t want to make a big deal and that his cousin was already planning on bringing the dog, he didn’t want to change his plans.

I would go to his family myself and tell remind them about the allergy🤷🏼‍♀️ He’s being a real dick to you and your kids about all of it.

@Grace i have let things go bc if i bring something up he says “it’s not that serious” or “you think about it too deep, not everything needs that much thought.” So maybe I’ve gotten used to him invalidating my feelings? I might have wrote that wrong but he doesn’t necessarily nap a lot, it was just an example. I haven’t checked in lately because then he will ask how I’m doing and i usually start crying when i talk about hoe overwhelmed i am and he gets weird. The first couple of weeks after i delivered our second baby i would randomly cry and he would just walk away. I had PPD with our first and he was more understanding. This time he would just avoid me, it’s like he doesn’t want to know how i feel? When i screened high on the PPD screening they do at the 6 week visit he said jokingly “you should’ve just let me fill it out for you.”

@MaryKate so he once told me that his family didn’t know it was that big of a deal bc they’ve never known someone allergic to dogs 🙃

That’s ridiculous, they can’t be that dumb. I’d go straight to them if he won’t stick up for you guys. You shouldn’t have to miss out on a vacation just because he’s being a prick

@MaryKate and that is the reason i am upset. That i have to tell him to speak up for me! I literally said “you could’ve politely said I’m sorry guys that won’t work for my family bc my wife is allergic to dogs, we will just get our own place.” Instead of agreeing with the plans of renting a big house for everyone.

Him invalidating your feelings is definitely a red flag...but it's so odd to me that this is a recent change? He hasn't always been like this? If this is recent, I definitely think there's something going on with him he's not telling you. Is this new baby more fussy? Maybe that's what's setting off potential depression in him. If he has always been uncaring and invalidating of you, then that's a totally different story.

@Grace yes and no, he’s always “joked” about how i take things too serious. This baby is more fussy. Also, it’s another boy and he really wanted a girl. I’ve told him how i feel like he doesn’t love him the same as our toddler.

Gender disappointment is very real and something he needs to work through, whether that be on his own or with a therapist if he really can't come to terms with having another boy. But that could definitely be the reason for his weird behavior and seeming to avoid baby ☹️!!! I would give him a little more time as gender disappointment can last for several months, but if it persists, he definitely needs professional support to work through those feelings before your child is old enough to realize. As for invalidating you, I guess it would depend on the joking. If he's joking about it in the moment of you coming to him with something, that's not okay. If he's sending you a meme here or there about it (sometimes my husband will send me those memes like an anxious person and a non anxious person always marry each other) than I think that's fine if you're okay with it. Personally, if I were you, I don't think I'd divorce right now. They say not to make any huge, life altering decisions within a baby's first year.

...of life because of how difficult having a baby. But I'd be paying attention to patterns and if he really isn't making you feel seen, heard, and loved, then I would start considering leaving

I suggested a separation first, then divorce if there's no change

Sounds like he’s doing everything he can to spend all of his time away from u & the kids. That he’d rather b without u than with you. From the tone n ur voice (I can hear you 😉) sounds like you’ve already decided what u want to do. If ur thinking of divorce then most likely that’s what u really want and that’s ok bc from what u said about how he’s acting I’d b moving towards divorce as well especially if you’ve attempted to address this issue with him n he just keeps blowing u off good chance is it ain’t getting better, he’s not changing & possibly getting worse.

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