in December 2024 Babies 🇺🇸

How can I effectively get my point across?

My Husband & I have two kids together. I firmly expressed the reason for my reluctantancy when we initially discussed planning for our last baby. I never thought I would have kids, let alone TWO. & I just wasn't ready. Two kids weren't exactly in my plan but God knew better💙💙 No doubt though, I was used to the easiness of it--no kids. The freedom. It became easy again once my oldest got a little older. Now with baby number #2, things are definitely a lot tougher. After numberous arguments, I eventually compromised & now I'm back starting over, at 31. I was committed (still am) to going for as long as I possibly could. My supply has dipped a little & he will not stop bringing up formula. First it was little comments about the time spent with him, like he's a baby. He naturally needs something 24/7. Like "he was getting all the cuddles" etc. At first it was cute then it became annoying bc what did ypu think was going to happen? I can admit I'm a little more distant but I'm a SAHM & I am exhausted by the time he gets home. Then it was little comments about our drop in sex. Don't have time or the energy for that either. Now it's the talk about the milk. Today he said "what if I wanted to take you on a date or something." To say that he should be formula fed so that someone else will be able to watch him so that we can start doing things again as a couple & so that I can do things for myself to have fun & get a break.Okay now that I said everything outloud, I guess it doesn't sound as bad lol. I just hear "Formula feed him bc breastfeeding is an inconvenience for me & for you because no one can watch him." You guysssss, I am SO NOT knocking anyone who formula feeds. FED IS BEST!! I formula fed my first at 4 months bc my milk dried up. I didn't want to but I HAD to. As long as I am able this time around, I wanna go for as long as I can. He doesn't even always have to be to the breast. I would like have a big enough stash that he could take a bottle when he is closer to 2. I'm not even at the point where I would even trust anyone else with him. I'm wayyy too ocd & I do things a certain way with for a reason. It has been about 3 weeks & he still finds chances to bring it up. Like I'm going to change my mind. I hate being talked into stuff, like I don't wanna do it! I can just pump. I haven't been getting anything much lately but I'm still not giving up & he won't just drop it. I've brought up the stuff they put it in now a days, even the kinds that they say are "better for baby". Then he suggested getting jt from someone else. Like donor milk. I don't want to do that either bc my milk is made JUST for him, I don't wanna risk him having any reactions to someone else's milk. How can I effectively get my point across once & for all that I'm not going to formula feed just because it's "more convenient"? Or is it just me being selfish? 🥺 Am I just overlooking the fact that maybe he just misses time with his wife?

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Honestly just making a bit more time for you spouse and making him feel loved and wanted will probably help. I was a sahm for awhile with my daughter and it overwhelming and tiring but your partner also needs attention and affection and to feel loved by you and if you are neglecting his needs then that's also not fair to him and you need to make time for him as he needs to make time for you. After having my second kid it was more difficult but waking up early or staying up late even if tired and just having conversations, cuddling, being intimate has improved our relationship because we are taking care of each.

Idk he’s just gotta realize this is just a season y’all are in. It’s not permanent and will continue to change as baby gets older. Try to make the most of the few moments you get here and there, that might even be a day date with the baby. It just is what it is and he’s gotta be patient.

I think you need to explain that you want to go as long as you can, but that breastfeeding doesn’t mean you can’t do things as a couple. You can give baby your milk in a bottle so you and your husband can have some alone time. And if you’re super against that too, then feed baby and have someone watch them for an hour or two before you feed again. You need to put in a little time for your spouse relationship too. It’s not going to be a lot because the kids suck up so much time. But you do actually have to set aside time for you and for your spouse relationship. Just like we can’t take care of the kids as well if we don’t take care of ourselves, your spouse will do a better job helping with the kids if you both make sure to fill his cup a bit too. Or not. Maybe you just have a needy man-child. Those exist too.

I am just so exhausted. This morning I barely got my oldest up for school so he could catch the bus, I looked over & my Husband was sound asleep. Knocked out. LIKE GET UP!! I felt soo alone🥺 But he had to go to work, so l let him sleep so he could be rested. One minute I'm extremely angry at him for everything. I mean he's the one that pushed for him so it's like what did you expect was going to happen when he was born? Look what you did to me!! You can go to work & get off and hang out & I'm here in the house with your son. Then the next I feel bad & super guilty for my attitude.

& not to mention how touched out I am. It's hard to want to be cuddled and hugged and touched. But I feel guilty for feeling this way too🥺

Well at least I can say your feelings are really common. Have you read the books by Bunmi Laditan? I read Confessions of a Domestic Failure and it was so relatable in how she describes those same emotions.

There’s so much to feel guilty about as moms, right? But if you want your partnership to be strong and not filled with resentment, I’ll honestly say that you have to address your feelings AND his feelings. Both of you are expressing wanting changes made. Honestly, he doesn’t get to be totally rested as a dad. He needs to know where you need more help with the kids. When he’s home, he’s on the dad clock. But he’s expressing that he misses you too. That’s great! It means he loves you and wants to be with YOU. Which I know it might feel like there is no YOU anymore. But if what he’s proposing doesn’t work for you, then you need to think of what does.

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