Issue with daughter

She is only 11 years old. She is the child and you the adult . It's not her responsibility to regulate your emotions but yours regulate hers. Clearly it's upsetting to her and bothering her. So you need to have an honest, open and patient conversation without blame. You saying adults to adult stuff it's none of her business isn't setting a boundary or making her realise what to do. You can't put your shame and guilt on her. She is only 11 years old. So please keep that in mind whenever you feel angry or hurt and try to go to her world and talk to her. Show empathy and kindness.

It’s really not her business. I’ve never heard of a child acting this way so I don’t have any helpful advice I’m sorry but I definitely feel for you! And you aren’t a bad mama at all! You’re a human with needs and like you said it’s not her business and why does she feel like she has the right to be sneaking around and in adults business in the first place should be addressed somehow.

I’m trying to remember where my headspace was when I was 11. My husband also has a 10 year old sister. I remember that I started to really sense the difference between "adults and kids” at this age— and like I wasn’t really a part of either one of them. It was a confusing time: hormones and body changes, not feeling understood, sexuality. Words that are coming to my mind are firmness, boundaries, compassion, consistency. It sounds like you guys might to have a sex talk. Also: this whole thing sounds traumatic for her. Maybe have this conversation when she is not crying and find out what’s going on. Ask open ended questions to get to the heart of it. Listen to her. Then, I think you do need to be compassionately firm with her. There may need to be boundaries and rules and then safe spaces to talk about this again, depending on what comes up during your conversation. You do need to lead this. Just my two cents. ♥️

This is actually very baffling. It’s giving jealous girlfriend behavior. She does this behavior, you stop and coddle her, she gets the attention. Is she not getting enough attention from you or dad? Which causes her to be jealous? Did she hear you guys before and it caused trauma so she’s scared to hear it again so she just tries to prevent it? Scared you guys are trying for a baby? Do you guys only close your door when you plan intimate time, that may be her cue what you are doing? Is therapy needed here? Did you tell her sex is bad or wrong so she has a bad connotation with it? Form boundaries need to be set here along with a sex talk. Ask her if she has questions. She is not the boss. You guys are. Bed time is bed time. She is to be sleeping. If she’s up wandering around other than bathroom use punishments will happen. Explain healthy loving relationships. She should be grateful she has parents that love each other (and her ofc) instead of miserable angry parents.

PS: I remember catching my parents in the act when I was 8-9 years old. I left their room and cried. I felt dirty myself. I felt gross. I thought WHY are they doing something so gross I can’t believe they are doing that. My mom, my own mom doing something so nasty. I didn’t even want her near me. She’s my mom not a men’s pleasure tool. My parents never had a sex talk with me, never explained anything. I was left to figure it out. I started masturbating at 9 years old trying to figure out why they did it and what was so good about it. DEFINITELY have a talk with her. She knows more than you think. Don’t beat around the bush. Give it straight.

@pabudu I have BEEN there and DONE this! Trust me! This is not something new and every single time in the past empathy is exactly what I’ve given her. But I’m past that point now and she knows better.

@Drew thanks for this. I have already done this with her in the past. And for a while now it’s been a non-issue.

@Alyson I completely agree. Hence my frustration. She has no relationship with her real dad and my partner is her step dad. She is a very attention seeking child and very loud with her emotions which I cater to all of the time WITH lots of boundaries but she also plays it to her advantage too. Tried therapy, then refuses to go. She’s also been known to lie and make up stories so I don’t think she’s actually benefiting from talking to someone because it’s not honest. Always had very healthy sex talks and yes getting pregnant was a concern of hers (we have a 6 month old) but she also knows we can’t have any more kids. Her history with her father and his family is very dark and sad and she has a lot of trauma around it so I’m sure this all just ties into it somehow.

@Alyson I never caught my parents doing it as I grew up with a single dad. But this makes the most sense. I was a single mum with her for 8 years. And I’ve had this conversation with her already. Maybe need to have it again.

Remember you’re the boss. There is no refusing. Therapy is good. It’s not a bad thing. You’re not forcing her to do something bad. If you say go then we go. You’re the parent. She has been in control for a long time and she’s spiraling losing that control. New baby, step dad, no relationship with her dad etc. She may be afraid she’s going to lose her relationship with you if you give an ounce of attention to your husband (I would bring that up to her that you don’t love her any less just because she isn’t getting 24/7 attention). I would go back into therapy. Talk to the therapist beforehand. Write a list of her behaviors, the lying, the over reactions. You can not live like this having a child control all aspects of your life. Regain control, set healthy boundaries, give her a safe place and person to talk it out with and I’m sure it will get better for you! 🩷

@Alyson Thankyou. We’ve been together a few years now and everything was going great for a good year and now it’s back to this again. I didn’t think to write a list of behaviours for the therapist that way they can actually target the root problems. Im going to book her back in/do this. I appreciate your responses they’ve been helpful x

How is her relationship with her stepdad? How did she react to the separation regarding her dad? Perhaps there are some unresolved feelings there. That’s the only thing I can think of. I know you said that she refuses to go to therapy, but I would make that a nonnegotiable. I caught my parents having sex. I knew my mom had a sex life after my father. I didn’t feel gross about it. She’s an adult. I think the fact that I knew about it helped in that area. Can you find her age appropriate books about sex? I found it easier to read about. I get your frustration. Give your daughter space when she asks, but talk to her about her feelings. There’s something there, but sounds like you have to work to get to it. There’s also the new sibling. Could be a lot of feelings around that too. Maybe she knows sex could equal a baby & she’s like “Goodness, not again!” You’re not disgusting for wanting to have sex with your husband. Please try not to feel that way.

Yeah that’s traumatizing for a kid to see. Yes she shouldn’t be walking in on you. But do you not have a lock on your door? If not maybe look into getting one. We make sure we lock our door so the this doesn’t happen cause I don’t want to traumatize my kids. Also she should understand boundaries. She should be knocking before just walking into your room. But the situation definitely isn’t just one sided. Sound like something you both need to sit down and talk about. Come up with a solution together to prevent this from happening again.

@Mona it’s not amazing but it s not bad either. She gets into trouble often because she doesn’t listen. And constantly ignores rules and boundaries. Her dad and I split before she was born. We’ve had plenty of sex talks and she knows. She also knows we can’t have more kids too due to vasectomy. Shes a very smart kid and very grown for an 11yo (she often gets mistaken for 14). Thankyou for your advice.

@Kels🌸 she didn’t walk in on us, she banged loudly on the door after standing there listening. Had she of gone to bed on time not an hour later doing whatever she felt like doing then this wouldn’t have occurred at all. And yes I agree. Thankyou

I would agree with what someone else mentioned. therapy may b helpful. My daughter is 11 as well and she also lies about random things and doesn't often open up in therapy. She has told me she thinks "being vulnerable is weak" So it's hard w her.. what I've had to do is get involved in therapy w her. It helped a lot. I let her go on her own some too of course then I schedule a meeting or call w her therapist to let her know what's really up and now about once a month we meet together and I bring things up in a nonchalant way so there's like a professional there to make conversations flow better. It helps her open up and she even brings things up now sometimes too. It's so hard at this age especially with a daughter who seems so mature for her age in some way yet also exhibits a lower stage maturity with certain actions and reactions. they really are just kids still w developing minds. Which I have to remind myself of a lot lately w mine. She's so grown up acting that I forget I'm in charge ngl

Also I've developed an inner monolog to help get me by in hard moments. Maybe that can help you too. Just pick one that works for you. I tell myself things like, I'm the adult here, I don't have to handle this now I can take time to think, she's mad at me now she won't be later, and the biggest one is that feelings pass... because her feelings trigger mine so badly I have to step back from her when she's having what I call meltdowns or like just really big emotions. I have to mentally like detach in those moments or I'm like super unhelpful to the situation

Therapy cuz theres something else underneath her actions. You aint nasty, you are grown. I heard my parents 1 or 2 times but i never banged on their door instead i wanted to go to sleep even more tonavoid hearing anything more.

There has to be more to this. I would have an indepth conversation with her about why she reacts this way. I walked in on/heard my parents a few times over the years ages 6-18, it happens, it's not the end of the world and it never made me feel dirty or traumatized by any stretch of the imagination. Sex was never a taboo subject in my parents house though, they were always very open and honest about any questions we had growing up and we started talks about our bodies/sex from a pretty young age so it was never "scary". Has she been able to explain to you (when she's calmed down) what about it bothers her so much?

@ren your comments are seriously so helpful thankyou so much for jumping in 🤍 it’s hard cos she’s been thru so much in her life because of her dad I always feel such guilt when she’s emotional but I always stand firm with boundaries regardless. She gets the best of both worlds yet it’s never good enough. My partner also thinks there’s some dark underlying to this. I’m gonna call therapist today and organize weekly visits 🤍

@MK I agree. And I’m a very open and honest parent she comes to me for everything which makes us think there’s something under this that is hurting her. 🤍

This is weird, I've never heard of any child behaving this way. My son is 11 too and he doesn't do this, and he's not stupid, he knows that we have "adult" time. He also knows not to come into our room without knocking, and he genuinely won't come and knock unless he needs something. I'd definitely talk to her, but I'd also not give her the attention she craves when she's acting up afterwards, that's completely unacceptable from an 11yo!

@Rebecca I couldn’t agree more. She can be in her mood all she wants but I’m not stooping to any level she’s at. She didn’t come in thankfully, and she doesn’t, but she knocked really loud which she never does. She usually knocks softly. If she did the right thing and went to bed at her bedtime it wouldn’t have happened. She’s constantly pushing the boundaries and disrespecting the rules. I’m not allowing myself to feel bad or guilty because I’ve done nothing wrong. Like I said, if she had done the right thing in the first place this would’ve been a non-issue. She’s a very intelligent 11 year old, she knows the birds and the bees and all the rest of it. I’ve been very honest with her as she’s been growing up and she knows she can come to me with anything. But when it comes to her emotional intelligence it’s a whole other world.

I really appreciate all of your comments. Thankyou! I’m going to get her back into therapy. And then when she’s cool and calm I’m going to ask her what it is that upsets her about it and then talk to her. Maybe there is a misunderstanding or maybe something has happened in the past (she has a very fucked up side of her dads family which I cut her off from over a year ago). X

I've never walked in on my mother, but when I was around 8, I woke up during the middle of the night to the noises of "adult time", my wall was directly across their room. I didn't like the way she sounded... Like she was in pain and it used to make me feel some type of way... Quite emotional. When I got older I found out some pretty horrible information about that period of her life and it absolutely messed me up because it confirmed what I'd heard to be nothing pleasant. Has she had a similar situation occur? Have you ever sounded as though you're in pain, or maybe she's interpreting it that way? Has that ever happened with her bio father? Something isn't adding up... Most kids this age don't act up over something like this. Maybe she's feeling protective of you? It can be hard as a daughter to see your mother in that light, but it doesn't make you filthy. Have you had a deeper conversation with her to see if there's something underlying?

Has she seen something elsewhere that she's shouldn't have? She might be finding it difficult to tell you if something is triggering it. But it's a hard situation and I'm not sure.

@Kim she’s never stayed with her dad, her whole life. She’s stayed at her dad’s families place but as far as I know there’s been no couples there while she’s been there. And I think she would interpret it that way for sure I’d honestly feel the same way about it if if I heard that from my mum too. It’s the dramatics afterwards that are so extreme. Then she’s moody for days after and just rank attitude toward everyone and behaves/looks like she’s been abused! I’m gonna let a therapist unravel whatever can be found. I’m not touching this with a 10 ft pole today lol I’m going to ignore her disgusting mood and talk to her in a few days when she comes out of it.

Hmm it's really odd! I can imagine how frustrating it must be for you OP. But I think you might be right that a therapist is going to be the most valuable thing for her to use, so long as she is able to open up at some stage, do you attend her appointments with her? It might be time to step out of the room if so and see if she will build some rapport with the therapist. It's almost as if she can't switch off, maybe a mental health assessment is in order. I just can't understand why her reactions are so extreme given that most kids tend to only react that way if they've experienced or witnessed something traumatic themselves. Of course, when you're young, you get a little upset about it because you don't fully understand it, it's just a little gross to most children and that's normal, but I feel like most probably just have the passing thought and move on? Hopefully it's something she just eventually grows out of assuming there's no other root cause to it.

@Kim I don’t go in with her I want her to be able to speak freely and not feel like she can’t speak her mind so she goes in by herself. And yes I completely agree. I know for a fact nothing has happened/been witnessed under my care BUT she was going to her dads families for a while on weekends etc and it was not a positive environment. I do think something has happened there but I’m not sure what when or how. I am booking her back into therapy. My partner also said this was a really extreme reaction but cos I’ve never had to deal with this myself I wasn’t sure but these comments have definitely educated me that there’s more and this reaction is not normal x