My mental load is huge

Don't get me wrong, my husband does a lot. He works full-time but does a lot during weekends. Baby's exclusively breastfed, so I do all nights (and barely get any sleep) but he tales her out on walks so she can sleep or entertains her so I can have break. He does the dishes and cooks etc. He does a lot. But man, the mental load... I have to keep track of everything, educate myself on everything, then teach him. But not just once, but three times,five times, countless times... and every time I do, he gets frustrated amd angry. For example, I created a meal plan for the week, then ordered all the food that we need. I asked him to have a look to make sure he's okay with it, which he didn't do. He then often does his own thing anyway which wastes food and means we often don't have anything for BLW. Two days ago, he said he hadn't prepared anything because he was confused by what's in the fridge and asked me what I wanted him to make. I said I didn't know, what does the meal plan say? The meal plan is just lying on the kitchen table, very easy to access. He just grumbled and said he didn't know either. This morning, I saw that he had prepared the meal for baby that I had put down on the meal plan without me having told him to do this (this was maybe the fourth time he did something without me having to tell him to since baby was born 8 months ago). I was getting excited amd thought maybe we were turning a corner, but then noticed it didn't look baby safe and the lid was just loosllely placed on the container in the fridge with big gaps. Now I don't know if it's still safe to feed to baby. I asked him if there were any additional steps that were required as the pieces didn't look BLW safe. He said he didn't know. He had just cooked the food normally without consulting the BLW book that's lying right next to the meal plan and without looking at the solid starts app that I showed him how to use. I think I will have to redo it, though probably won't be able to (velcro baby). It's just like this constantly. I hadn't told him it was going to be mother's day either. I fancied a cupcake on Sat and he kindly bought me some. Then said he saw all the banners in the shop that is was mother's day on Sun but he didn't get me anything, so the cupcake will have to do. I was surprised he even figured out it was mother's day by himself. Any time I bring up anything, he always gets defensive and I feel like he thinks I'm ungrateful because he does do a lot. I guess I just needed to vent and maybe ask if I can still feed the food to baby if its been in an open container in the fridge all night long and also for a couple hours on the counter in the kitchen to cool down. I could just puree it up if it's still safe to eat (after properly reheating)?

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Sorry for all the typos, currently pushing a pram

Your husband is doing what is known as weaponised incompetence. Google it for more info. Also just because he has a job, doesn’t mean it absolves him of being a parent and also household chores too. Him taking the baby out for a walk, entertaining her etc is him being a dad. He’s not doing you any favours! If he cooks and cleans, good, because he lives there too! Those are literally the bare minimum of what a decent partner and parent does. Would he be willing to go to couples counselling with you?

@Neena yeah he was even worse in the beginning. I always wonder if it's weaponised or just incompetence. It's only got better because i found ways to rely on him less. He gets down every now and then and when I ask him what's wrong, he always says he feels useless and like he can't give me a proper break. So I do sometimes wonder if he's just not that competent. I want to suggest couple's counselling and have already researched someone in our area who sounds great. Mostly because of other things that have happened since baby was born that we never properly talked about. But our relationship has recently improved a bit and I don't know how to suggest it to him without him thinking I'm attacking him or saying he's a bad father/husband

Try and frame it as another tool to help you grow closer together as a couple. A judgement free zone. You could say that as things have been getting better, you want them to continue doing so, and also both of you being able to express any issues you have/had is better to discuss in neutral territory with an impartial person so you both can see what needs improving and what is working well. If he has a job and is able to carry it out competently, he’s not incompetent Incog. Stop making excuses for him, he’s a grown ass man. His excuse for not knowing it was Mother’s Day is another cop out. Absolute BS! It happens every year, not to mention EVERY shop has stuff out for it from February onwards. He just didn’t care/couldn’t be bothered. That is the difference. He sounds lazy from what you’ve written. You went to the trouble to meal plan and bought everything and he STILL asks you what to make? 🙄

1/2 I often don't know how to tell him something without him taking offense. I do wonder if it's because I'm not a native English speaker. Whenever I ask him to bring me something when baby's crying and I can't get it myself, like a cold teether, he suddenly has all the time in the world to shuffle into the next room and back with the item I requested while I'm dealing with a screaming baby. He's taking so long, I'm starting to wonder if simething happened. I brought it up once, saying our sense of urgency is obviously different in these situations. But he still didn't change.

2/2 So last time, baby was screaming I my arms and I desperately needed wet wipes, I asked him to bring me some and when he barely moved, I added 'quickly please'. He went into full on panic mode, grabbed everything around him except for the wipes which were right in front of him, ran in and out of the room, like a headless chicken. It honestly made me laugh. Afterwards I asked him why he panicked so much. He said it was the way I phrased my request and I should have said 'could you quickly bring me x', not 'could you bring me x, quickly please'. So I'm not sure if some of this is down to cultural differences.

It makes me sad to see you questioning your capability of speaking another language as the reason for his inadequacies. I highly doubt this is it. You don’t need a degree to understand if a baby is crying and mum has asked you to get something, you do it straight away! You certainly shouldn’t have to be adding more mental gymnastics to your list and monitoring your language to query whether you added in “hurry up” or “now please!” in order to make said person realise you want it immediately and not say in an hour’s time! It’s bone idle laziness! When my daughter was a baby and I’d say I asked my husband to pass me her dummy/get a teether from fridge or any other request, even if he was doing something like cooking, vacuuming or putting the rubbish out - he would pause what he’s doing and go get it for me. That is just common sense and decency!

@Neena thank you for saying all of this! Yes, I'll frame it as wanting to further improve our relationship, that's a great idea. Thank you so much ❤️

I wish you well Incog and hope everything works out. Remember, even if it doesn’t, you are not to blame. Certainly don’t second guess yourself for someone else’s lacking. Enjoy the rest of your week 🫶🏽

@Neena thank you, and you!

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