How to stay unbothered?

I (33f) found my husband (36m) has a profile set up on a dating site. We’ve been together 15 years ( 5 yrs long distant relationship and 10 yrs of married life)and have had ups and downs like all relationships, we have 2 beautiful boys 8 yrs old and 9 months old. Recently been going through a real rocky patch after he had a breakdown from his work late last year, I have been trying to support him. 9 months ago( i was 39 weeks pregnant with my second baby) I went up to bed one night and he had fallen asleep with his phone on his chest so instead of waking him I removed the phone from his chest in case he rolled over and phone fell on the floor. This happens somewhat regularly, I remove phone and put it between our pillows. Noticed phone screen was still on and there was a woman’s face on the screen, I expected it to be porn but something about the screen made me look again and it was a dating site. I was really worried he would wake up and see me looking at his phone but snapped a quick pic with my phone cos I was so shocked I didn’t know what to think or do. I didn’t want to confront him there and then so backed out and put phone down between pillows as usual. My heart was pounding and I was shaking and couldn’t sleep so was just laying there. I couldn’t keep in my mind so the very next day I approached him and asked if he is hiding anything from me or want to open up about anything. He said nothing and he is happy about having our second kid. The next night, after he slept, I took his phone and started browsing and noticed that he is doing this for a while( even before our marriage). I also noticed that he is on couple of the dating sites. I took shots of all his conversations in my phone, I don’t know what to do and then went to sleep. Next day I asked him to open his phone and go to those dating sites, now that he realized , he apologized and promised that he will delete them and live happy life with me. But he broke my trust. Fast forward 9 months now, I still couldn’t digest. My world fell apart. I was utterly distraught. He was my world – my friend, my only lover – and he had completely betrayed and hurt me to a degree beyond my comprehension. I seriously thought of ending our relationship but its 15 yrs of togetherness 💔 What do you do? What are your thoughts? What would you do?

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Get your ducks in a row and leave.

My heart aches for you, went through something similar of 6 years and that was bad enough.. two things happen here.. 1) he doesn’t change and it happens again or 2) he does change but you’re forever be on edge over him.. and it’s whether you could live with the option 2.. Obviously 98% of people would say leave.. but until you’re in someone’s shoes I couldn’t ever say that.. you just need to weigh up your options and decide would you be happy with either or.. I’d probably also try and make things “work” but would I be able to? You don’t know until you try and by then if it doesn’t work you’re then talking for example 18 years down the drain instead of 15… I send you all my love, and I hope you heal xxxx

Noone deserves to go through this! I am so sorry. You say he was your world, your friend, your only lover but were you his? I don't think so. If it didnt come to your attention through the lit screen that he was doing that he would still be doing so and be perfectly fine with sleeping next to you not losing any sleep over it. 15 years is a long time yes but if he was on not only one dating app but TWO even before you were married and now after youve been married and been through so much together then it doesnt seem you were ever valued or loved in the way you deserve to be. We just need to value ourselves and our joy and oeace of mind more over how long you've wholeheartedly given yourself to a relationship with someone who seems like ghey couldn't care less. Someone may say leave but unless you make that decision yourself from a place of loving yourself more, you will stay in the situation. I wish you all the best& healing... in time and hope you make the best decision for u.

I went through a similar thing when I was heavily pregnant. My boyfriend broke my trust but what I think he lied about I’ll never know because I never got proof. I decided after a long time and months of our relationship taking a hit and me punishing him by being resentful, by being unloving to him that I had to make a decision to stay or leave. I haven’t been with him as long as you’ve been with your husband though, and I did make the choice that it was time to build trust and put things behind me, he just had to prove he would change. He said he would and he hasn’t done anything so far since having our child that has broke my trust. We have our ups and downs but ultimately things got better. I think even though you’ve been with your husband longer, you also have to make the choice of what you can live with, whether you can trust him again and build it up or whether you’ll constantly spend your life and days resenting him and punishing him for his actions. He shouldn’t have been on

The dating apps and I’m so sorry he was. I’d say if you’re still struggling with it then maybe see a therapist together if you want to stay and also individually as this will have also had a different effect on you, your mentality, your life. If you want to stay but can’t move past it then the only healthy thing you can do for yourself and your kids is split with him. It’s difficult and I get how you feel because it feels like you’re going to lose everything. But the thing is there is a whole wide world out there for you, you just have to be brave enough to take the action and help yourself through it. I also understand why you didn’t want to say anything because I was the same when I found out. I had so many mixed emotions. But I would be honest with him now and say how you’re feeling, tell him that you’re struggling to move past it. You’ll have to come to a solution together. You’re one strong person I hope you find your peace

Yes I’m questioning myself now. Do I deserve this? I married him against my parents will, I discontinued my university education and just completed a college course. I started my parental life in my early 20’s. I feel like I started regretting all of my choices. I don’t know if I can ever choose a right choice now. Won’t it hurt my kids? What is my future? I’m on my maternity leave now, how am I going to tackle this? My head is about to explode!

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