in May 2024 Babies 🇬🇧

Doubts about grandparent as caregiver

Hi everyone. I am due to return to work next week on Tuesday and I'm very nervous about this. I will be working part-time three days a week. My mother will be taking care of the baby for those three days alone while my husband and I are at work. We decided on this arrangement as nursery fees are too expensive for us at the moment. I am having doubts about my mother taking care of baby, who is 11 months old. She isn't able to get him to sleep as yet, easily gives up when trying to give him solids, and gets easily flustered when he is fussy. She made some remarks about him being greedy when he breastfeeds for longer which rubbed me the wrong way (I know it may have been a joke but I didn't find it funny at the time). For a backstory, I have not lived with my mom since my teens and she has moved in with us for the time being until our baby goes to nursery at the end of this year. I only realsied now from her behaviour that she very likely has NPD and that my childhood was a complete lie. She comes across as a loving harmless nana but something in me just feels I should shield my baby from her. I've given her advice on how to care for baby but she ignores it most of the time and then acts like she was never told. I feel uneasy leaving baby with her. Am I overthinking? I just wanted some advice or opinions.

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I don't think you are overthinking. We hired a babysitter for this very reason. Are you able to find any other support? I think hiring for your peace of mind is worth every penny. Motherhood has a way of bringing up old wounds from childhood and your own upbringing. With my mom, it was triggering to see her behave in certain ways around my Littles so we never chose to have her watch them much

I would trust your gut honestly you know your mum well and want the best care for your baby and if she’s not it you are in your right to think that. You could always right out a list of tips on caring for your baby and keep it on the fridge or something and then she can’t say you’ve never said that. And you could always get baby cameras around the house so you can keep a eye if that gives you peace of mind just say you want to have the ability to see her whenever you want

@Janae thanks so much for responding. My husband and I are going to discuss other options. We do have very supportive family on his side. I agree completely with bringing up ofold wounds. It has made me realise I need to heal from my childhood. I just always want the best for my baby.

@Poppy I agree... all I've been hearing inside is "trust your instincts". I did consider cameras but then thought if it's a trust issue I should just find an alternative caregiver. Thanks so much for taking the time to reply. I appreciate it.

Grandparents in general suck at caretaking (at the very least) the way we would want them to. They think they know better and aren’t afraid to tell us so. I love my parents but there’s a reason why I am the way I am and why I parent the way I do (which is different from them). That said, always trust your instincts especially with your children. I hope you can find someone better suited for you and your baby’s needs.

There’s also evidence to support that the majority of accidental deaths of babies and toddlers is while they are in their grandparents care.

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