NSFW vent
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You should also explore the 5 Love Languages. Mine is words of affirmation so if throughout the day there a lot of yelling or complaining it really bothers me. It sounds like yours may be physical touch (which does not necessarily mean sex). But the book gives some good ideas what to prioritize
@Anna👼👶👼👼 We have spoken about love languages and I think mine is Acts of Service, whereas his is definitely physical touch. I try to be physical with him, I hug him and kiss him and I also touch his arm/stroke his neck etc if we're talking or watching TV. But he thinks "acts of service" means doing housework for me or doing childcare- realted things, like the dishes or changing nappys or whatever, and I have to explain to him that it *isn't* doing things that we both already do anyways like chores. It's small things like filling up my bottle of water, putting my phone on charge, offering to drive (I do 90% of the driving), but he doesn't understand how any of that is 'foreplay' or meant to help me want sex. I don't know how to explain it to him I just like being thought about and looked after in a non sexual way.
@Rachael yeah that makes a lot of sense, I'd definitely say I'm the same way, if we're cuddling and there's no pressure then I will feel more turned on than if he's all over me. It seems backwards to him though and I don't know how to explain it 😕
@Lyss thank you, this is really helpful 💕
Thoughtfulness is different than tasking. I get it. I'm sorry you're struggling. Maybe giving other examples would help (like mine with yelling, or how I challenged my husband to say he loves me 10x a day at different times)
If you have told him 10 ways what you need and your needs arent being met, thats a choice he is making at this point. Men are nowhere near as stupid as they want us to believe. They are perfectly smart just like we are, they just use it as an excuse to not meet our needs whether its ignoring you needs sexually down to loading the dishwasher wrong. Hes choosing to neglect you, so tell him that. "Im not interested in sleeping with someone that doesnt care about making me feel good. Since you dont seem to care, and sex is painful and makes me feel less and less connected to you every time, im not really interested anymore." Sex is meant to be pleasurable and fun, not a chore you feel obligated to do. You are his wife, not his sex toy. I NEVER advocate for weaponizing sex in a relationship, but unless its enthusiastic consent, its not consent and he is pusing you closer qnd closer to marriage issues and causing you to lose respect and a feeling of safety around him. Tell him this. Good luck
It’s good that you’re telling him what you want and need. It’s very bad that he’s not listening. I think it’s ok to withhold intercourse if what he’s doing doesn’t work for you. Tell him you need to start from the beginning (hand holding) and work your way up to orgasming first and that’s all you’re interested in right now. And do this progression over the course of a month.
Thanks for all the advice ladies 🙏🏻 I'll continue trying to talk to him about it, he knows what he's doing isn't working because we keep going through dry phases (like MONTHS). He was a little more affectionate yesterday without anything sexual, and I felt him hold my hand in the middle of the night too which was sweet. Hopefully it continues 🥲
I saw a very interesting reel on instagram lately that said some people find arousal I’d like a microwave and they heat up almost instantly, and for others it’s an oven and takes a while. I’m definitely an oven! I’d explain again what it takes to get you in the mood - maybe even he could initiate that as foreplay? I often feel like I don’t want to be touched but if we cuddle for a while and I don’t feel pressured , that progresses into touching etc. I’d also recommend using lube if you’re experiencing dryness, as it will make it much more comfortable. And maybe tell your husband he has to get you off before he gets off!