Village.
Show your support
I’m very sorry to hear you’re going through this. It’s a very common thing after having a baby. What I will say is that often people make the mistake of thinking that “village” and family is the same thing and it’s not. Don’t get me wrong, family can definitely be superb members of a village HOWEVER, the right to be considered village is earned and not given. What I mean by that is, Chrissy isn’t necessarily your village just because she’s your favorite cousin. This goes for friends, siblings and even Mamas - yes, even Mamas aren’t always worthy of being part of the village. Members of your village are often created, meaning you’re using community resources and networking. Members of your village may be people you never even knew before you fell pregnant. Village has to be cultivated and members should always be screened. Aunt Becky may have lots of free time and be excited about your baby but she also may be unreliable, set in her own way of doing things (unsupportive) and
more into using your new baby as a tool for her OWN emotional fulfillment instead of yours. Members of your village should have an understanding of what a family with a baby truly needs OR be totally willing to roll up their sleeves and learn (coachable), must prioritize supporting YOU over their own opinions or emotions and go out of their way to lighten your load and not to add to it. If you don’t have people like that around you, take authority over your space (mentally and physically) and develop what I call a Ministry of NO. NO, thank you. NO, not at this time but maybe later. NO, that’s not for me but thank you for sharing. I’m sorry you feel that way but NO, that’s not what’s best for us. Expect anger, confusion, hurt feelings and to be talked about, especially if you’re typically not the type to have boundaries and insist that the people closest to you adhere to them. Having a baby is a sacred time. It’s your time to give 100% to get to know you, your baby and your family.
I think you’re absolutely right. I think we sometimes forget that “help” only works if the person that’s being offered support, finds it helpful. Too many people have a “it’s the thought or attempt that counts” and while you can appreciate an attempt, if it’s poorly informed, based on assumption or in line with your preferences, then it might be more of a hindrance then help. This is something that needs to be reiterated more in society, so we don’t deem things helpful just because the intention is good. If the outcome isn’t helpful to the person, then it’s not help.