Who feels bad or considered a bad parent?

I mean I was raised partly by my grandparents that’s just how it used to be. If I had that luxury with my in-laws or my mother I would definitely do it and not feel bad. It takes a village.

I’m confused. Husband asks them to watch him extra because he’s doing his own thing. But where are you? Can’t you watch baby or do u do Ur own thing too when husband does his own thing?

If your family is okay with it just communicate...ask your husband/talk to him? And talk to the inlaws how they feel about it. And also be thankful We have no village no family at all and will feasibly never get time away from ours until we are comfortable with a baby sitter which will be a while But we knew that going in and it's just the way life is for some people No idea what that side feels like and randoms on peanut can't really give you 💯 accurate advice as they don't know your family and structure but you should communicate your feelings with all those involved for input because if it works for them...it works enjoy it

I have family similar to this, I don't work anymore, but when I did, the kids were always gone :(. My grandparents still call and ask to keep my kiddos overnight sometimes. My mom refused to wake up early(8am), so overnights were common there, too. You're not a bad parent because of this. If you feel some guilt, maybe you should ask why? Why do you feel guilty for your husband taking time away from your kiddo and work to decompress? Why do you feel guilty for decompressing? Isn't that decompression what makes you the best parent you can possibly be? I don't get regular decompression time anymore, and I struggle more now than I ever did before, I for sure miss it.

@Abigayle Thanks! It does take a village. I just dont want my in laws to be the primary caregivers so that he isn’t parented/disciplined by us and that causes some inconsistency and that’s frustrating for our son and us as parents. I have a hard time accepting help beyond my in laws caring for my son during work as I feel that after work — we as parents should be with him. If my husband wanted to do his own thing every day — he would. It’s only because I say something. He will rely on his family in a heartbeat. PPD/PPA sucks butt so I have this major mom guilt and can’t seem to juggle life and just taking it day by day!

@Kacey It’s a lot and I couldn’t type too much. Due to my severe PPD/PPA, I cannot be alone with my son (or else I’ll have intrusive thoughts) and I don’t enjoy being at my in laws because im bored and there is nothing for me to do there so I have stress and anxiety being there. I TRY to do my own thing when my husband is — but mom guilt and have a hard time with self-care in general.

@Casey I am thankful indeed. It just sucks because I struggle with life in general with a baby and suffering from severe PPD/PPA doesn’t help. I admire those who have no village or family because if that was me — I probably would have left earth already. I don’t ever want to be SAHM and I have no major bond with my son so my daily life is nothing but mental struggles. Being a parent is hard! Also, marriage sucks and communication is hard with my in laws as it must come from my husband and yeah, that’s a whole other struggle.

@Keylii And how do you or did you deal with that? Having kids and having two parents work full time — it’s like our kids are raised by family. It’s sad. I haven’t asked myself that so many times — WHY? Decompressing for me means “I don’t want my son or my husband and I want my freedom back” so it’s not truly self-care if I enjoy doing things for myself and wish I could disappear and live my old life. I admire moms who can have some sort of self-care because it’s minimal for me AND I have accepted the fact that I won’t have self-care for a while…

@Jenn Family used to mean that a bunch of people work together to raise kids... definitely not a bad thing? Everyone wishes they could be home more but it isn't a reality sadly If your kids get to be raised with people who love them how is that a bad thing? Both my husband and I have to work so how is that less good a situation than "strangers" at daycare doing the same? It is a bit confusing that when your husband gets time alone it isn't with you? Or he just goes alone I think that part may be confusing to some Your old life will never be back that's just reality You already mentioned the ppd and ppa but you may need to see someone else possibly for more therapy or medication because those thoughts in passing are normal but if they literally don't allow you to enjoy your time at all then that is not ok and you need some help "Self care" for people who don't get any breaks from kids also doesn't exist really 😅 sometimes I get to play a few games or watch a single show with my husband 😂

@Jenn ah okay so this sounds very layered As I said below tackling the ppa ppd would be the first step with a doctor because look what you wrote no situation is what you want You don't want to be a sahm Daycare is extremely expensive so idk if doing that would benefit you either (if you feel bad for inlaws maybe save some money you save from dc and get them a weekend away from baby or a nice restaurant date etc) " Mom guilt" like you describe sounds 💯 like ppa/ppd as you cannot enjoy your time no matter which of the above you choose Is communication hard with a language barrier? Just break out Google translate for now if that's a barrier. These people are going to be in your lives for a while so might as well find common ground that isn't mitigated by your husband

@Casey When my husband gets alone time - it only benefits him and it’s not for me and him. No matter how many times he says it’s for US. It’s not - he plays a sport and it’s FOR HIM and not for me even if I watch. It’s not doing something together. I’ve had a therapist for months and it’s helpful at the time but not when I’m not in therapy. Now I’m going to see a psychiatrist instead and get some other help because thoughts of hurting myself and others is no longer a therapy thing — my brain is just pretty fcked and I can’t make sense of anything. Work is the only thing that keeps me sane and that I can still continue to strive! 😂😂😂 What is self care? For most people — this doesn’t exist but yet our society keeps pushing for it so that’s so fckin frustrating! Even when offered time alone — all I do is clean and do stuff for the baby. The moment I do something for myself — I could care less about my husband and my baby. I’m so disconnected that it’s not even funny.

@Casey Communication is quite challenging with my in laws and so I have to let my husband speak. Google translate isn’t always help lol. I speak from experience with my own mother. I’m just struggling tbh. I didn’t enjoy my pregnancy, let alone motherhood. I’m just curious as to what others think of my situation with not so much context because it’s a lot. Sometimes I just need someone to tell me something different so that it’s OKAY for my husband to ask for extra time to take care of our baby. To me — I don’t want him to take advantage because he has a family and others to think about and NOT just himself.

@Jenn Ugh I'm sorry that is frustrating was he like this before the baby? You need to be on the same page unfortunately you have to do what is good for you and not think of him if he selfishly isn't thinking of you and communicate more of what you actually need out of it It's not being fcked brain is just programmed a bit off and hopefully medication will help with that (fingers crossed for you) you are already doing a ton by going to get help and that's important you need support Well that's what you make of it. Ignore what others say it is and do what works for you...if cleaning and doing stuff for baby is what you do that's not selfcare. Maybe the medication will help with that but I don't feel guilty for taking a bit of time when I am rarely allowed it If I clean/do other things that certainly doesn't count as self care if it's not what I want to do Hopefully you can get more support for this as the harm/not feeling anything for baby etc isn't how it should be :( but your husband needs to step up

@Casey It is frustrating and he’s the type where if he’s into something — he’s committed. He encourages me to do things for myself all the time - I just struggle and it can be daunting to see him do things for himself and I struggle to! Men just don’t function like women and they won’t understand how we feel. I’m not all for meds but I know it’s available. I tried going on birth control and that fcked me up real good. I also get addicted to meds so that’s why I’m holding off and find other ways to cope with this mommy brain 🧠 of mine. My husband tries really hard to encourage me but it’s just the ugly thoughts that I have that makes me not want to do things you know? In due time — journey still continues! Thanks for your time and comments! I appreciate you! I was just frustrated with the idea of having my in laws take care of him when we as parents should be when we are not working. Taking advantage is one thing!

@Jenn I mean not all men...my husband isn't like that at all. We spend/want to spend all our free time together and are rarely apart He also loves being a dad and did all of the diapers postpartum until he went back to work after 3 months Birth control is a different animal if you literally feel like ending your or babies life you need to take medication as that is NOT NORMAL. Ppd is literally a chemical imbalance you are over a year out and still are feeling this way? You need intervention at this point. That isn't mommy brain and is dangerous there were just 2 ppp cases that ended in tragedy for the families recently and had been avoiding medications for months so please consider that. No I don't that is not normal as I said above any life ending thoughts are serious I know you are already seeing resources but make sure to tell them about the harm/disappear thoughts https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/postpartum-depression/symptoms-causes/syc-20376617

@Jenn again not trying to scare just hope you can get the real help you need Your job shouldn't feel like the best part of your life no one ever is on their deathbed saying they wished they worked more 😅 hopefully that will come from happiness with your family when you are feeling better And your in laws are there to help and won't always be so enjoy it and if you think your husband needs to be a dad more let him know you gotta be on the same page

@Jenn I always felt that way, too, except I couldn't handle what my grandparents were teaching them. My dream was to always stay home with my kids, so eventually, I quit my job. That's not for you, so that means you have to work on accepting what you can't change. With that being said, your family is supposed to help you raise your kids. It's a beautiful thing, really, and you have it. You have an entire village behind you holding you up, again it's beautiful, quirks, flaws, and all. The reason society screams self-care for us is because no self-care=depression. The fact that when you do something for yourself you stop worrying about baby/husband should tell you that, like your brain is literally telling you how bad you need it. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC4845723/#:~:text=Depression%20is%20strongly%20linked%20to,that%20improve%20long%2Dterm%20outcomes. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC8801882/#:~:text=Mild%20depressive%20symptoms%20were%20found,even%20more%20during%20the%20pandemic.

But also, what Casey said about meds/therapy. These things work best together. Going on a medication doesn't mean you'll be taking it forever, but experiencing joy in life will be worth it. If you're afraid of addiction, express that to your doctors/therapist and husband AND in-laws, plus whoever else is there because they can all help you. Remember, you have a village. You just have to be honest with them, but more importantly, you have to be honest with yourself. You deserve to be healthy.