My boyfriend cheated on me RANT
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@Jules that's exactly how I feel!! I can't understand what motivated him to put our family at risk. Thank you so much for your advice. Xx
@Jules to add to this maybe he hasn’t even realized why he did it himself or maybe he has snd needs to learn how to tell his partner. I am worried that if he’s tired of hearing about it he won’t go or try and that will make things difficult moving forward.
@Ashley we have a massive age gap, he is older then me and I'm the first woman he has lived with and been in a relationship with since his ex cheated on him and that was 9 years ago now. He did say he doesn't know why he did it but he thinks it's because home life was getting too much so he was looking for fun elsewhere. But that does not sit right with me because I've always said to him if he wants to go on a break because it's getting too much for him we can. I also accused him of cheating when it was happening & he made me feel like I was crazy.
He may not know how to communicate the issue and that’s what therapy can help with, but I’m still worried with him making you think you were crazy at the time and not wanting to hear about it anymore now that he won’t be open to couples therapy. If he won’t work towards fixing his side, you can’t fix/ease the worry on your side. It’ll blow up eventually if y’all can’t work it out. I hope that y’all can, but both people have to want it. I split from my now ex husband when our baby was 6 months old because of cheating and other factors. We went to couples therapy because I dragged him. We had one solo session each and she wouldn’t even book us for a joint session because he refused to see any problems happening or admit to anything that needed to be worked on. It sucked to hear, but relationships require both parties to put in the work.
@Ashley honestly I take my hat off to your for leaving!! I don't know which is harder, walking away or saying to try to fix it. Thank you so much for your advice!!
With my other factors it took one day of him not in the house (I asked for space for a few days) to realize I was already being a single mom as is and if he was gone then I could take the screaming at him and fights with him to get him to be a dad off my plate. If it had been just cheating alone it may have been harder. Especially, something that sounds like it may have been a one time thing or something he quickly realized wasn’t it. Mine’s cheating was on going.
My partner and I broke up and I kissed another guy on a night out. The second it happened I left and regretted it. My partner and I got back together and I told him about this. He classifys this as cheating (I don’t, as we were split) BUT I still recognized how much this hurt him BUT despite my efforts to fix our relationship he constantly went on and on about it to the point where I was fed up of hearing about it because I’d been making a solid effort for a while and he hadn’t (as we had issues prior to breaking up that he needed to work on but didn’t). It got to the point where I didn’t know what to say anymore. Reassurance wouldn’t work. I honestly was just sick of constantly hearing about it. He also needed to do inner work. Not just leave it upto me to fix. Someone else cannot fix how you feel within. You need to do the work too (even though being cheated on is NOT your fault). Your feelings belong to you, so it’s upto you to learn to handle them. (Continued)..
I guess this is one of those things that needs time. And for him to prove over time that it won’t happen again. He needs to earn your trust by showing you for a LENGTH of time (preferably FOREVER) that he won’t do it again and he’s gonna do right. Terrible that he did this to you at all, let alone PP which is the hardest time for us women. And easily the loneliest and mentally hardest due to body image and hormones. I hope you are able to resolve it my dear 🤍🤍 Edit: this happened almost 2 years ago and safe to say I never hear about it anymore. So yes, it takes time. But also, your situation is much different to mine. Xx
Just a few things I’d like to point out: - he’s already cheated on you at such a vulnerable time - he lied to you - he gaslit you when you called him out on it and made you feel crazy for even suggesting it - he was cheated on (I don’t understand how guys can say they’ve been cheated on, understand its impact and be hurt by it only to do so to someone they’re creating life with). What have you guys put in place to earn trust back? Do either of you feel like the issue is resolved? How can you be sure that he won’t do it again? What is he going to do next time home life feels like it’s too much? I might be cynical but I thought mine wouldn’t do it again - guess what? He did. He also refused any therapy for either of us, wouldn’t let me go to therapy by myself to work through things, and was also cheated on in the past.
I have tried to forgive cheating historically but once you lose my trust nothing will be the same again. He was much older than me at the time and I went from carefree and fun loving, to a paranoid private investigator. Snooping through phones pockets glove compartments and I decided I couldn't move past it and I left. Trust can take a lifetime to build but only a moment to destroy!
How did you find out he cheated? Did he tell you or did you find out yourself somehow? That in itself is quite telling because if he didn’t confess and only got caught, he’s not sorry at all, only sorry you found out. Also, he’s “tired of hearing about it” and it’s only been 1 month? Wow he can absolutely go to hell! So it’s ok for him to have cheated on you, you know about it, but your grace period is up(!) and now you’ve gotta shut up about it and give him peace? 🤣 How old are you both? Me personally? He did the dirty on you during what should be the best time of your life, the newborn bubble. I could never forgive ruining my memories of that and also the mindless cheating. Relationship would be done for me. We can co-parent so as not to fuck up our kid because staying in a bad relationship for kids NEVER works out.
Can you see a couples counselor who has experience with infidelity? One of the things I gather from your post is you can’t understand what motivated him, so understanding why he did what he did could be helpful for you. And a counselor can provide a safe container for that and help manage feelings. As well as provide a space for you to truly share its impact on you, perhaps you don’t feel heard or cared about so it makes sense that you keep bringing it up. It doesn’t sound like it’s been processed for you both because there doesn’t seem to be deep understanding of both sides. I wish you the best of luck!!!