How do I help/support my partner?
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As hard as it is sometimes I think you need to let the baby cry, I found this with my partner, he has to find his own way. He found singing to ours worked and sometimes it would soothe ours quicker with him than with me! I think if he asks for help then help him if he doesn’t then let him find his own way. Maybe just sit on your hands or something 😂
Might be unpopular for this but if my son was crying and not settling for my partner then I’d have him. My partner didn’t feel redundant because of this, he would give me my son, let him settle immediately and see what else he could be doing to help. I would not be just letting him cry because he won’t settle for my partner. Sometimes babies just need their mum.
I would let him figure it out honestly. Because what if one moment you aren’t there? Baby needs to learn to settle with BOTH parents not just you . Yes hearing them cry is hurtful, but if they are crying for no reason and is safe with the other parent, you gotta let him figure it out . If you keep stepping in like that he will always feel that way because you won’t let him simply figure it out like a parent does.
I remember going through this with our first. I'd be in the other room listening to our daughter cry and her dad trying to settle her. At first I'd run in and take over then realised it was doing more harm than good. As hard as it is, as long as baby isn't hurt or in danger then let him figure it out, it's so much better in the long run as well.
Pick your battles. If the nappy is wrong, if clothes looks odd, if nails are not cut well etc. it doesn’t matter. If baby is crying and would be settled by you, it does matter. So let him get on with everything which isn’t that important Also decide on tasks that only he can do. My partner alway did baths and nails and now he is an expert. Much better than me. Also lastly you have a great partner, so many men don’t even bother. So try to tell him that
I also found with my first baby that sometimes he just wanted to feed and as I was breastfeeding my husband couldn’t help. But I pointed out that he could help by helping me, so getting me water/tea/snacks/doing housework etc so that my burden was less and I could focus on feeding. Sounds obvious, but my husband hadn’t thought of it that way!
I would discuss a tap out point for both of you and if it's getting too much he will know he can tap out and you can take over from him. If he's ok with the crying, honestly, let him find his feet. It will be such a confidence boost for him to find his way of comforting the baby and it's ok that it might not be the same as you and better for both of you in the long run. If it really bothers you, get some good headphones ❤️
The newborn trenches are tough for EVERYONE. Good on your partner for trying; I think there’s two sides. Explain to your partner that it’s not that he’s doing something wrong, it’s that your nervous system literally feels like its on fire when your baby is crying (moms have a physiological response that dads don’t). BUT there is a point where you do just need to let him do it without interfering. If someone were stepping in each time you were trying you would probably feel the same way. My husband and I had to have this conversation too (sometimes we still do ha). You’re both doing your best!