Grandparent favours one grandchild… anyone else in this situation??

Favourite child’s kids are usually also favourite grandkids, not fair but it happens very often

@Irita Yep that’s basically what’s happened. How can I not be mad for my kids

This is like us. Favourite grandchild is the oldest one (partners brothers child) and he gets sleepovers, school pickups, little treats like magazines, bike rides with grandma etc.

Unfortunately the same in our household! Our son is the youngest grandchild on my husbands side, and the poor kid barely gets a look in. They take the others out for days out, and we don’t even get an invite. It breaks my heart for him

You need to have a serious convo with the grandparents and let them know it’s not ok. Because what will happen is your kids will see it for themselves growing up and will ask why does grandma like X more than me/us? Every birthday, Christmas etc when the golden child gets lavished with gifts and yours get nothing or random shit. Your kids will end up as people pleasers as adults with serious self esteem issues and abandonment issues. They’ll never feel good enough and will run themselves into the ground and people will use and abuse them. Ask me how I know….

@Neena 👏🏼👏🏼 completely agree

@Neena do you think it’s as easy as a conversation? Because my thoughts are this could make a bigger problem… my boyfriend’s mother is VERY stubborn and I have experienced difficulties previously because of this. As for the issues it could cause in my children, unfortunately some things as parents are out of our hands x

My grandma treated us (my brother&I) like this. She favored her other grandson. They would go on vacations and sleepovers all the time. Never with us. It affects your self-esteem, self-worth for sure, and creates abandonment issues. All because she liked her other son more than my dad and my mom. Adults fight but kids suffer. Protect them from her, no contact is probably better and less your children know about what she does with other kids, the better. So that they don’t compare.

Sorry Incog that’s a complete cop out. As for the issues it could cause in your children it’s out of your hands? So you’d purposely put your kids in harm’s way? Because the emotional and psychological damage of your family having favourites WILL have an effect on your kids. No two ways about it. They won’t leave unscathed. You as the parent can prevent that by going no contact with them if they choose not to listen. Your kids will pay the price of your decision. It really isn’t a joke and you may think going NC is extreme, the alternative is worse. I’m not saying the convo will be easy, but it must be done. They must have a warning of what the repercussions will be if they carry on. That way they can’t lie and moan about it after saying you cut them off for no reason. Also why would you want your kids around someone who clearly has no time for them? Your kids deserve good people in their life who enjoy spending time with them.

@Neena 100% agree. As a child who experienced this, it legitimately took me years of unlearning all of this to actually stop becoming a people pleaser although it’s always in the back of my head. Things are never out of your hands when it comes to your own children, stop being so naive. You can choose who has access, don’t let your boyfriend’s family be your child’s first bully.

@Neena wow rude! Going no contact isn’t as easy as you think, my parents family is all close so that would mean absolutely no family events/birthdays/no Christmas/ not seeing cousins etc… My kids are my priority in every way. Yet harm isn’t always avoidable e.g. falling over, being bullied in school and whatever else you can think of. So this situation we are in wasn’t due to our lack of care. you can go now. 👋🏼

@Liv name calling isn’t nice but looks like you hopped on that trend too. Naive is just another insult to someone you don’t know online.

It’s kind of like this with one of my nieces. Their mom swears one is our favorite but we have had her more since birth vs the other daughter who mom keeps under her most of the time. Is it favoritism for no reason or actually how bonds have been built?

I was looking for some advice but I really don’t like how these posts turn into insulting a parent who was looking for genuine advice. This situation is new my eldest has only just turned 2 so not like she’s 10. It’s actually something I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about so to be called naive and told I’m putting my children in harms way just isn’t cool. Maybe you guys haven’t worked out how to give your opinions with grace yet

@Daija I guess that is another way of looking at it. I just feel so strongly that adults are responsible for their bond with children in their family. Like if a grandparent has a closer bond with one grandchild, why? Have they taken that same time and effort to builds those relationships with the other grandchildren or have they got that one bond and left the others behind?

For us it it’s laziness. She doesn’t want to change nappies, tend to crying babies, carry etc. As soon as the eldest was doing none of the above that’s when the favouritism started and she said herself “I’ve raised my boys, I’ve done my time” when the topic came up that she’d never changed any one of her grandchild’s nappies. Since then she’s just clung on to this one child out of her 4 grandsons. I’m now expecting a girl, first granddaughter, and she’s started creeping her way back in as it’s “all she’s ever dreamed of”.

@Nire I’ve had similar things from my MIL. It’s just now my youngest is getting slightly older I’m noticing more and more. Like no sleepovers but then has the favourite for sleepovers. I see it with grandparents so often that they don’t see what a vital role they play in a child’s life. I hope to always be involved with my future grandchildren. Children are the greatest blessing on this earth

It's easy to suggest no contact as if that's a simple thing to do. Particularly when it's your partner's parents who may disagree, overrule you, go behind your back, etc. My grandparents all prefer my sister/cousins(except my gran who changes her favourite with the wind, she's a nightmare human) over me, always have, and it hasn't made me a people pleaser or been a real issue for me. But I will say they weren't a huge part of my childhood- we'd see them maybe 2-4 times a year so I didn't value their opinions much. I see them occasionally still, it's fine. You can't control what they do, only what you do. So I would say if MIL isn't making the effort to see the kids... Let her not make the effort, see her less. She'll miss out, and your kids won't see her as a huge influence in their lives. So I'd say low contact, not no contact, if that's something you can do. You say grandparents play a vital role in a child's life- imo that's only if they earn that role. Make a plan before the kids are old enough to notice.

@Rachel yes exactly I wouldn’t even suggest no contact to my partner as that is his mother. Tbh we don’t see them often, like I say they are a close family in terms of birthdays and celebrations but day to day they all live their own lives. Thankyou for what you have said. I also agree the vital role they CAN play, only if they decide to x

I think it is so extreme for people to suggest no contact, especially since there isn’t anything severely bad about MIL, like physically abusive or verbally cursing with the kids. I think it is very common to favor a grandchild over another. At least this is not within one immediate family. My siblings and I were never the favorite grandchild growing up, because there was so many grandkids and great grandchildren. We would just pay our respects to the grandparents and be on our way to do other things with the other kids. When they don’t involve themselves with their grandchildren the kids will just reciprocate that same energy. I wouldn’t worry too much about it, your kids will have many interactions with other people/kids in the future.

@Vanessa 100% agree with you. My grandparents aren’t the slightest bit interested in me and my siblings and as a result we aren’t interested in them. Actually looking at it from my own experience I wouldn’t have gained anything from no contact but my mum would have lost a lot by losing contact with her parents

I wasn’t the favourite of any of my grandparents and it didn’t bother me at all as we only saw them a few times a year. Grandparents are only as important to your kids as you make them, if they’re just another set of people out of many that they see then it shouldn’t matter - if the kids feel like they’re indifferent they’ll give that same energy back. Old people are generally pretty boring to kids, honestly they’re more likely to be concerned about friends and classmates. The most important relationship for kids is the one they have with their parents

Maybe your mother in law doesn’t see it or is ignoring it. You should speak your mind and say how you feel. Maybe things will change. How do you know if you don’t try? My daughter is so spoiled by both her grandparents and I couldn’t imagine not having them in her life. Speak up, be polite and say what you see in a non threatening way. Maybe suggest a day out with her you and your son or something

@Cassie I would love to have a convo with her about it but I can almost guarantee how it would go, she has caused multiple problems because of her stubbornness and she will just refuse to see our POV. As for suggesting a day out, I have a lot of family and I have come to the conclusion it isn’t my responsibility who sees my children. The family that want that relationship have it because they make effort. Xx

Makes sense. Seems like it would be more stressful for you to bring it up. I’m glad you child has some family there for her. That’s what matters!

@Cassie Thankyou for your help. They do have some really great family we feel very blessed x

It depends. You could try pointing it out using her own remarks. She says she wouldn't cope not seeing the other grandchild, you ask, what about our children? Would you cope without seeing them? You haven't seen them for a month... And see how she reacts. I would do this just to point it out, but wouldn't expect it to change. I don't think this is something you can fix. You can't force people to love or care so I would rather be preparing my own children to adjust the expectations on the MIL so they know she is not that close or reliable. I would also be limiting time spent with said grandparents and rather hang out with other family and friends.

@𝔾𝕚𝕤𝕖𝕝𝕝𝕖 I have thought about approaching it this way. Maybe next time I’ll give it a go… when she said that I was kind of shocked I just didn’t say anything but wish now that I did. This is why I think it is out of my hands, I can’t force someone to be apart of my children’s lives, I just need to appreciate those that are. My children will grow up knowing who is close and who isn’t and I don’t think I’ll even need to say anything x