Need advice on what to do with my life

When I was 3 weeks postpartum my in-laws came to stay at our house. It was their first time in America (they are Turkish and live in Germany). At the same time my mom and brother were already staying with us (they live in Eastern Europe and I wanted my mom here as this would be her first grandchild). I agreed to have the in-laws stay at our house but my husband and I talked about getting an Airbnb for them but that didn’t happen, I wish it did… Being a new mom, I was already annoyed with them from the moment they arrived to the house. While I was feeding the baby, my mother-in-law who doesn’t speak English (I should mention I’m her only daughter-in-law who isn’t Turkish), she came up to me and took the baby from my arms to hold her which I didn’t like but didn’t make a deal out of it. I didn’t want either of my in-laws in my baby’s face because they both have rotting teeth and that just disgusts me so much. We told them no kissing the baby (which they respected even though my father-in-law judged me for not kissing my own baby?!) but for me it was that I didn’t want them close to the baby at all. I was also annoyed by the fact that my mother-in-law was all up in my kitchen (I’m very particular about my kitchen) just cooking for my husband all these traditional Turkish meals because of course I don’t cook Turkish food (my husband told me his mother opened his eyes as to say that he’s been missing out because we don’t cook that much). Not to mention, they were eating a lot which was also annoying me! The next day, my husband without speaking to me took our baby to my office where his parents were sleeping and when I noticed, I came into the room and they were holding the baby in the bed, and were close to her face. This pissed me off because they didn’t even wash their faces let alone their hands. And so I got into an argument with my husband over what happened and that’s when my mother-in-law in Turkish said to me “enough” and then said “she hasn’t been to her son’s house in 10 years since he moved to the states.” I was like what does that have to do with me, I’ve only known her son for 6 years and it’s my house too, I work full time and contribute. I felt like they were giving themselves the freedom to do whatever because they were in their “son’s house.” His father doesn’t know how to act, dangling a banana peel over my new couch for his wife to throw away. He even left his hearing aid covered with earwax on my office desk even though I put a little table next to their bed! He also doesn’t like that we have cats in our house and commented why we have pictures of our cats but not the baby?! Then come the next day, my mom who was staying in our finished basement asked where the soap was so she could refill the soap in the basement bathroom. I told her it’s in the guest bathroom which is the bathroom his parents were using. She called me over to the bathroom to see something and that’s when I saw the toilet full with urine. His father “forgot” to flush the toilet which made me disgusted because if he didn’t do that then he certainly didn’t wash his hands and I’m supposed to let him touch the baby! And when I saw that, I lost it. I started yelling, telling them to leave the house, I called them gypsies, I was crying and swore at my in-laws, specifically my mother-in-law (from the living room, I never came into their room or yelled in their face). When my husband heard this, he came up to me super angry and said “what did you say.” Honestly I was super close to calling the police because I was furious. My mom told my husband to go f himself and he told her to pack her things and go. He took his parents and their belongings to his brother’s house and I had to buy plane tickets for both my mom and brother and drive them to the airport that same day which was super emotional for me. Since this happened, it’s been more than a month now, my husband does not want to show me any affection let alone intimacy. He doesn’t even ask me how my doctor’s appointments went, nothing. When I wanted to be intimate, he said “you didn’t let my mother be here for 10 days and now you want to be intimate” We both are seeing therapists separately. My therapist believes we both kicked each other’s family that day which I agree but my husband believes he didn’t do anything wrong that day. My mom told me she doesn’t even want to visit me ever again. I’ve apologized to my husband who doesn’t want to accept my apology because he wanted me to apologize directly to his mother but I said no because I believe collectively everyone should apologize to one another including him to my mom. His therapist made him to a pros and cons list of staying or leaving me and he said the only reason he’s even sitting next to me is because of our daughter and that she’s the only pro on the list. I told him I want to stay together because our daughter needs both her parents and that I made a mistake that day swearing at his parents but I was under a lot of stress physically and mentally. He has yet to make a decision but has since said things like this marriage is only on paper, that he would’ve left the house that same day with his parents, you’re a free woman you can do what you want, and if he does stay with me, it will be a loveless marriage, etc. It’s been super emotional and stressful for me since everything happened, taken a toll on my physical health as well. He doesn’t want to do marriage therapy. And I want to fly out and visit my mother for a week since I’m not getting any love but also don’t want him to use that against me down the line if we were to go to court. Not sure what to do and if I can keep living like this.

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This was really sad to read. if I was your husband I would be pretty upset too. The way you're describing you were being to his parents, his blood, the people who raised him, is pretty disturbing and disrespectful. Yes, they were in your house, in your space but never seemed like you ever wanted them there or made them feel welcome in the first place. They may not be the cleanest but that does not give you the right to treat them the way you did.You could've had a private kind conversation with your hisband about it and he could've had a word with them.Being respectful and being a kind host takes NOTHING from you and I'm sure seeing you act that way to his flesh and blood made your husband possibly fall out of love with you and is trying to figure out how you could even want to be with him and claim to love him when you seemingly dislike and even borderline hate his family and his culture so much and why he would want to be with someone who speaks and acts in such a way to his parents.

Wow. First of all, I just want to say I feel your pain, and I’m truly sorry you’re going through this. You don’t deserve to feel abandoned, unappreciated, or alone, especially while navigating new motherhood, which is already such a raw and emotional time. The fact that you’re even reaching out and sharing this takes so much strength. That said, I want to speak to you with love and honesty, because I truly want to see you thrive. I do think it was wrong how things exploded with your in-laws. Not because your feelings weren’t valid (they absolutely were), but because the way it played out only made it easier for everyone to blame you. Sometimes when we’re postpartum and overwhelmed, we react instead of responding, and I get that. I’ve been there. You’re human. But I say that to remind you that you deserve to be heard, and being able to calmly set boundaries. Even if they’re unpopular….is powerful and much harder to dismiss.

But let me be real….your husband is not showing up as a partner. He’s holding on to your outburst while ignoring his part in the whole situation. He didn’t respect your space, didn’t stand up for you, and now he’s emotionally punishing you. That is not love. That’s emotional manipulation, and honestly, it sounds a lot like narcissistic behavior. And him saying the only reason he’s still there is your daughter? That’s a red flag. You don’t stay in a relationship just for the kids, especially if the environment is cold, distant, and full of resentment. Kids feel that. They absorb that energy. What she needs more than anything is a peaceful, emotionally safe, and loving environment and if he’s not willing to do the work with you, and you’re the only one fighting to keep it together, that’s not fair to you. You already apologized and owned your part, which shows maturity and growth. But if he can’t do the same, then he’s showing you who he is. Believe him.

You’re not selling your daughter short by walking away….you’d be showing her what strength, self-respect, and healing looks like. She can still have her father in her life. He can still be present. But that doesn’t mean you need to keep yourself in a painful, one-sided marriage just to “keep the family together.” You matter too. Your health, your spirit, your peace….they all matter. Don’t forget that. Sending you so much love. Whatever you decide, I hope you choose you.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. Post partum is rough, in laws can be difficult (especially when different cultures are involved,) but I understand where your husband is coming from. You called his family a slur. I know you want everyone to apologize to each other, but I feel like you should be the bigger person and extend an olive branch by apologizing to his mother. That could be a small gesture that shows him that you want to work on things (if you do want to do that.)

I kind of agree with Vee. My parents live in Germany and they visit me once a year or once every 2 years usually for 3-5 weeks. Luckily my husband is very understanding. Even though our condo is not big enough, we make it happen. No matter if he dislikes something or not. Sometimes he tells me if he doesn't like something in particular but he has NEVER ever been disrespectful to my parents. I definitely would expect him to apologize to my parents if he would have. I understand that it's not easy and that your hormones are all over the place but you had no right to yell at them. And according to how negatively you talk about them shows that you don't respect your husbands family. It was their first time at your home. You rather should've swallowed your feelings for a few more days or sat down with your husband to talk about moving them to a hotel room/airbnb. Without accusations or fighting/yelling. I personally don't see what they did wrong besides them not being as "clean" as you want them to be.

Wow I think your hormones heightened your emotions and made you super touchy and emotional. My MIL lives w me, i tolerate a lot. She’s his mum. Yes she’s annoying sometimes but when she’s actually wrong I bring it up to my husband and he politely tells her because she was actually wrong (but she knows she was also) Like we have carpets in the room, and she used black hair dye in her room then sat on her bedhead that we bought for her, so she got some on the carpet AND on the bedhead so I told my hubby never to dye her hair in the room again and she agreed. But she did cook for me 3 meals for 2m PP and even sometimes now will cook and I’m grateful because then I don’t have to, and we get some Asian food. There’s a lot of tolerating and compromising to be able to live w in laws (or anyone). If you knew they were going to be temporary and it’s only a visit I would’ve hacked alot of that, only saying what’s absolutely necessary and letting the rest go.

I agree with Vee and Irina. It truly doesn't seem like they did anything wrong, except not live up to your expectations, it seems like there are some cultural differences and you did not handle it well. I see why your husband was upset, you called his family a racist slur. I would expect an apology as well. I honestly don't know that I would be able to stay with someone who disrespected my family and culture the way that you described. My in laws and I very much do not see eye to eye on a lot of things, but I would NEVER think to act that way with them. They are my partner's family, my son's family and by extension-- my family. I think you have a lot of growing and apologizing to do, if you want even the possibility of saving your relationship.

Wow, what a terrible situation for everyone involved! Like a bomb going off.... No one is a winner here, except maybe your mom. Crazy idea here, why not just apologize and eat sh*t on this one every time your husband mentions it? You may never see his parents again again. They may die without ever setting foot in your home or even in this country again. Quite frankly, you don't even have to mean it. You have great reasons for disliking what happened, but so do they. Agree with your husband (you did wrong) and vent to your therapist and friends (they did wrong). Sincerely apologize to MIL. Give the best performance of your life. Tell them you were the worst version of yourself and if you could redo it, you would. Blame PPD or PPA, who knows maybe it's true? Hormones definitely had their part to play in this tragedy. Send them a very nice present. Like a new car. Give your husband some time to cool off. A visit to your parents sounds like a pretty good idea. Don't worry about your mom, she'll come around.

1. You are postpartum. You have so many new hormones and probably not feeling 100% yourself. They should give you some grace. 2. The fact that they are treating you like this during the time you need the most support is discussing to me. I am so sorry you have to deal with all of that and take care of a new born. 3. I agree yelling at his family.. probably not the best idea. But your husband should be on your side always. You could have kicked the whole damn block out. He should be by your side. 4. I’m sorry your mom isn’t remembering how it felt like to be a first time mother. Now imagine you have a daughter and this exact thing happened… wouldn’t you give your daughter who just had a baby some grace? I would blame it on the hormones and give you a hug and try to help. 5. You are a rock girl! Keep your head on your shoulders. Your suport system is failing you. You should be focused on making memories with your new baby. Wish I could give you a hug. Ps…your husband shrink sucks

Also… he wants you to fly out to a new country with a new born? To apologize to his mommy? 🫠

Your husband should definitely have taken your feelings into consideration as you were freshly postpartum so it’s very overwhelming. Boundaries and rules should maybe have been discussed before they came to stay so it didn’t get out of hand. I understand how frustrating in laws can be, especially ones from a different culture as mine are too! However, the swearing and shouting was probably too much, I know I’m some cultures (my husbands included) their parents and siblings are VERY important. If I swore at my in laws or shouted, my husband would divorce me immediately and he wouldn’t think twice about it

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