Infidelity in marriage

I've been cheated on but didn't stay. I would never be able to truly move past it. It would weigh me down. I'm much happier without him!

I don’t think I have any words to offer that would help at this time. I’ve also experienced this, I’ve been on both ends of the spectrum of infidelity but I understand you. It’s a deep wound, be kind with yourself and patient. I had to cultivate compassion for my husband and also understand that my husband was brother ok and going through pain at the time too, it didn’t make it ok but it helped me be able to see him as human, the process itself took me 2 years but I held on to memories, stories id created myself obviously the worst kind and the resentment which made it harder. The anger clouded me and it made me unbearable to be around. I can see that now but at the time I felt like a victim and he was my enemy. Are you both wanting to stay in the marriage?

I have a friend who was cheated on and decided to stay She knew it would be a long road to try and trust him again. She was prepared for that But the key thing here is HE was sorry, he wanted to make things work and so HE knew it was a long journey ahead He expected the comments, the resentment, the work he needed to put in Every time she'd snap, or say something or felt like she needed to look at his phone ..... he didn't snap back- he understood It sounds like your husband doesn't. He "wants" to work on it if the work is minimal- which in reality means he wants you both to forget it ever happened and live like "normal" He wouldn't be backing away when things got tough. He should understand HE created that situation and so if he truly wants it to work he needs to put in the extra effort especially in those situations. The fact you feel like you need to change is the issue. You don't! HE does! And I'm sorry that sounds harsh.

@Madeline We both do but I just seem stuck on the anger which I know is pain but I keep lashing out and yelling and it makes him retreat which makes things worse. I feel like even though he admits what he’s done and he is willing to work on it. For me nothing he has done is enough. I just don’t see how any change is happening. It’s been 3 weeks. I go from extreme anger to crying sobbing and few moments in between of semi calmness. I feel like I’m gonna make him completely shut down with my anger but am I not allowed to feel this angry? How can I not lash out at the things his done. It feels he destroyed our family, my idea of our marriage and our future. We are in therapy but it doesn’t feel like enough. It just doesn’t feel like an hour a week can fix this. I do see he’s also in a fragile state and idk that he will be strong and will remain committed if I keep lashing out but I’m so angry I don’t know how to stop. It’s such a roller coaster of emotions that I am in and even though

@Madeline I want off I can’t seem to be able to get off. Thank you for your response bc when looking online 9/10 responses are always to leave the marriage. Everyone always says once a cheater always a cheater. He won’t change. You’ll be in this same situation in the future. You’ll be wasting your time. But I’m not ready for that. I want to try to give this a chance I’m just having a really hard time seeing the light and believing I’ll be able to trust again and that I can forgive and that I won’t always have it in the back of my mind. He’s afraid I will hold this against him for the rest of our relationship and I can’t promise I won’t bc right now I can’t see past the pain and anger

It’s only been 3 weeks, you’re allowed to feel rage and it’s important that you allow yourself to feel it, maybe try expressing it in a different way. I wrote everything down and slowly started to journal. Every disgusting, vile thought. You’re going to feel it in waves because a betrayal is deeply felt. There’s no bouncing back, my only thought would be right now you have to sit with these feelings and work on the resentment. This isn’t about him or how you’re making him feel, this is about tending to your needs your own heart, because that resentment and anger will only grow if you don’t. Therapy is great but when it means you trying to suppress feelings it’ll only blow up worse. Maybe try expressing your own anger and needs on paper and share with your partner. There are also somethings that we can’t ask of others. The insecurities that this brought up in you are likely not going to be ‘fixed’ by him that’s a repair job we need to do ourselves. Please don’t put pressure on yourself❤️

There is no fixed time line. It really just depends on how much you both want this, if he strayed, why. Finding out his reasoning and getting curious (without judgement) will also give you insight into where your relationship stood at the time and potential for repair. It’s going to be really icky and gnarly and gross. I guarantee he’s berating and shaming himself for his actions, and trying to tell you everything you want to hear and he may not know what to do right now likely walking on egg shells to not inflame things further but there’s also a fine line between making mistakes, taking accountability and consequent changes and thinking you’re getting away with something. I would give yourself more time to process, try not to get stuck analysing but feel what you need to feel. Share what you need to share if he’s open. Everyone is so different and really you can only do what feels right for you, but if the situation becomes unhealthy or toxic even you can re-evaluate.

I agree with Madeline. Journaling was really helpful for me. I also joined a betrayal trauma support group that really helped me process what happened and grow as a person. It was more helpful for my husband and I to seek help individually. It will be 2 years in July since I started this healing journey. It is possible to come out stronger in the end. I definitely couldn’t see that early in the process. 3 weeks post discovery is very early. I would be happy share resources on what I found helpful along the way.

@Crystal @Madeline Thank you for the insight. It means more when it comes from someone whose been through it. I totally get it. Believe me I don’t want to yell, but it is so hard when there’s a trigger. Or when I ask something from him and all he says is- I don’t know why I did it. I didn’t do it to try to hurt you. It’s hard to hear that and not lash out. And yes I know he’s going through a lot too. He says he can’t see past his shame and guilt. He says he sometimes shuts down bc he doesn’t feel he deserves forgiveness. He says our daughter deserves a better father and he doesn’t deserve me. And I hear it all but I can’t see past his selfishness. I did start journaling and I think it helps but I still get triggered when he says certain things or like today I saw him laughing playing legos with our daughter like it was just any other morning or him asking to go on date nights, again I know life goes on but I guess it just feels like he just wants to continue

@Crystal @Madeline on with life like nothing happened. It makes me think- Where are the consequences to his actions? It seems unfair. And I don’t even know what to expect. And to the part of listening without judgement. How do you do that? I don’t know how to listen to all the things he did and not think - you are such a POS selfish human being. Harsh and ugly thoughts I know. But I still get those thoughts when I get triggered. I know time will help. I know I NEED to work on myself. I know the forgiveness part is more about me than him. That part of healing just seems so distant right now. I also thought about a trial separation since both therapists suggested it but I have so many mixed feelings about that. Like I already have trust issues, how is that gonna help? We have also considered one of those intensive couples retreats for after infidelity but I don’t know if they really work and it’s so much money.

@Crystal @Madeline So yes, if anyone has any suggestions and things that helped heal from this. I am open to anything and thank you for sharing.

It’s really hard to not be angry and listen without judgment. I wasn’t able to for months, and it has slowly improved. I went to Melody Lovvorn’s Life Beyond Betrayal group coaching for a year, and that really helped me. She has three courses: Surviving Beyond Betrayal, Grieving Beyond Betrayal, and Reclaiming You. If you are interested, you can message me for her number. Here is her website https://www.lifebeyondbetrayal.com

I don’t know enough about your situation to say if a separation would be helpful or cause more harm than good. It has taken my husband a long time to figure out why he did what he did. He will have to be curious and willing to dig deep to figure that out. A good therapist can help with that. You do need to be careful with vetting whether the therapist is really pro divorce vs pro marriage. A good couples book that my husband and I have worked on together is Healing from Infidelity by Michelle Weiner-Davis. A book I found helpful was Intimate Deception: Healing the Wounds of Sexual Betrayal.

Affair Healing is a good website and podcast as well.