Sick relatives around my newborn…

I’m feeling really low. To cut a long story short, my father-in-law came down to visit us 2 days postpartum to meet the baby. We had been discharged from the hospital just 2 hours before. When he, my MIL, brother-in-law and his partner arrived, my MIL said FIL was ‘a bit sniffly’ so would keep his distance. Immediately I became really anxious (also FYI not that this changes things but I’m a doctor by profession - I assumed most people would be aware of the risks posed to newborns by unwell contacts but maybe I’ve assumed wrong). He entered the house, did not hold the baby but did come within a metre of her and was REALLY unwell. Not ‘sniffly’ but full blown flu. For the whole 30 minutes they were here I was just silent. I felt like it was a 5-against-1 situation and it’s difficult with in-laws at the best of times. When they left I told my partner how upset I was and he said he had no idea that his dad was even unwell (context: him and my partner’s mum had driven for 4 hours that morning to come to us). I said I was shocked that not one person felt it might be safer to postpone the visit for the sake of our baby’s wellbeing. ANYWAYS. It has now been a week since the visit and my husband and I have argued about it once. He said he felt I was being harsh on his dad. I felt that I had handled the situation much more gracefully than I’d have liked to for the sake of everyone’s convenience and that his actions were totally unacceptable. My husband says he told his mother that I was upset about the situation which is interesting as neither her or my father-in-law have reached out over text to either apologise or ask how I’m doing. I had a really traumatic birth with a postpartum haemorrhage so this in itself seems really strange… Fast forward to now, the father-in-law has come to visit and said he was much better. Of course I’m still hurt by the situation but I appreciate that he’s been excited to meet his first granddaughter and I’ve tried to move on. He’s driven down (4 hours again), entered the house and says ‘he’s 90% recovered now’! I honestly cannot believe the cheek. My husband asked him to wash his hands before holding the baby and he said ‘I know, I will, I have had kids you know.’ I’m just so upset because not only has there been no acknowledgement of my feelings or my baby’s safety, but he’s turned up again with a cough. I’m ranting at this point but just wanted to talk about it anonymously and see if anyone else had been put in a similar situation. Currently upstairs with baby breastfeeding to reduce the risk of her getting unwell in my own home…

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I’ve not been in the same situation but I’d go downstairs and tell him to leave. Everyone in my family know that if they dare come to mine ill, they won’t see my child again. I made the rule when I was struggling with postpartum anxiety and OCD but I still stand by it now. It’s extremely rude of him to show up, not apologise for the last time, and still be sick. Your husband should back you on this 100%. When my FIL made a comment that “she needs to get sick to build her immune system” after we cancelled on his birthday due to our niece being ill, my husband told him to F off basically.

He’s made several comments like that saying I need to take her out in the fresh air and build her up. I am a FTM 10 days postpartum.. I’m not sure how he feels these comments are helpful or adequate. Not to mention I’m clearly aware of how immunity works, babies have very little. Honestly all I want to do is tell him to leave but I know just how badly that will go down on my husband’s side. I feel like I’ve been backed into a corner. Luckily my parents have been really supportive throughout. It is just awful. I don’t like being put in positions that cause me to have to be firm but that’s the position I’ve been put in. I’m really, really hurt and upset. Thank you for your comment and I think I’ll need to speak to my husband again.

Aw I’m sorry that’s how they’ve made you feel, it’s awful. In the first few months of my little girl’s life I did hate the confrontation of these things but to be honest, it just got to the point that the comments started pissing me off too much and made me feel like nobody cared about her safety so I ended up sending a group text to everyone telling them to either follow my rules or consider themselves no longer family 😂 that was a bit far for me to go with it but they eventually got the point. Definitely speak to your husband about it though. I kept asking my husband “how would you feel if” then described any issues in the pregnancy and labour followed with “and then c y z does this” and he finally got it x

It’s difficult for people to remember but… babies essentially have zero defence system. Nothing. Nada. To expose them that early to sickness is reckless and selfish frankly - regardless of how excited you may be. Especially in the winter. My advice is to privately speak to the midwife on your next visit and ask her to “mention” it to you both. It will look like she’s doing it on her own accord and will be taken as guidance from a medical professional. Keeps it all neutral.

The way I would have had a complete meltdown if I was you! 🤯 I think you’ve handled the situation so far like a saint. Aside from the fact they should respect your concern as a doctor they should completely understand your anxiety as a new mum. I fell out with my own mother for the first year and a half of my first borns life because she had absolutely no respect for boundaries and put her needs to bond with and post photos of herself with her newborn grandchild before the health of her new born grandchild. Wouldn’t wish that path on anybody and I hope they all see sense and begin to understand and support you and baby properly. But that being said please know that you are so within your rights to have boundaries, say no, protect your newborn and it not have to be personal to anybody. It’s your duty and baby’s dad should be completely in the same boat. Good luck, you’ve got this, screw them!! (Hope they see sense and a smoother more understanding path is formed tho) 💖💖💖💖

Thank you for the messages - makes me feel validated and some useful tips there too. Being a mum is wonderful but it comes with its prices! I’m learning.. thank you again. He has now left my house 😂😂😂

Ive been in a similar situation, my MIL has been ill in the space of three months. She was ill at Christmas and my partner insisted that she came over but to keep her distance as he didnt want to let her down, which she did in all fairness, she kept her distance but after Christmas she got ill again. A full on cold, she was coughing and spluttering and my partner kept asking her how she was feeling as she had planned to come over and see the baby, she kept saying she was fine and it was almost like she kept her cough away from calls just so she could come see the baby. When she arrived she was coughing all over. This made me really anxious as the cough came out in full force when she was holding my baby. She then went on to kiss her on the head and honestly I felt like my head was about to explode 😤. The cheek of her saying she was fine, coming round, coughing and kissing the babies head. It’s just disrespectful and selfish. This weekend we were invited out for a family meal

And whilst she was on the call she was all sniffly AGAIN. I point blank refused this time but was made to feel really shit about. But I DGAF at this point. I’m with you though. 100% xx

I would have lost it. Also I feel like them driving 4 hours to see you the day you got out of the hospital is super intense. It’s not like they came from 10 mins away for a quick hello. That’s such a long way it makes you feel like you have to host them a bit. I’d maybe just tell your husband now that you want some newborn bubble time and can we put visitors on hold for the next couple weeks.

Yes I had this with my mums friend. She said she got a cough from the covid vaccine whilst she was holding him and proceeded to cough in her hands, touch my baby’s face and kiss him. I was FUMING. I exploded and demanded she give my child back. She completely burnt her bridges with me. Peoples entitlement around babies absolutely blows my mind. Wish people would realise that if you upset the parents, quite often it’s a relationship that cannot be repaired.

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