Anyone else not adjusting as easily as they thought they could?

I love my babe she’s 4 months old. But I just… I hate being a mom. I hate having to make decisions when I’m burned out and my brains completely running on empty. Sometimes I fantasize about leaving and never coming back then I feel so guilty for feeling like that cause all I’ve ever really wanted in life was to be a mom and now it’s a reality that I hate, but I shouldn’t hate it cause I chose to have my daughter… I knew motherhood would be challenging but not this challenging and not this often. My BD is a horrible partner but a WONDERFUL dad. I’m getting over worked like my boss is abusing the system I can’t talk to her cause she’s so deeply connected with my family and I choke up when I have to have discussions with bosses/higher ups cause I’m autistic so I’m nervous I’ll say something wrong and get fired like I have before. I have no other mom friends I can turn to or try to connect with, my insomnia came back cause I’m not pregnant anymore and I have such high anxiety that my mind NEVER shuts off and no “meds” don’t work on my “chemical unbalance” trust me I’ve been to so many “doctors” for med management just realize that medication just makes me more dysfunctional. I can’t even get my babe on a proper nap and feeding routine cause different people watch her when I’m working and sharing a car is hell where I live cause we have no public transportation. I’m not adjusting at all. I’m trying… But it only feels like all I’m failing. My mom and sister don’t give a fuck about me when I try to talk to them all they do is just say “well motherhood is all about adjusting so just adjust duh.” Or “you look fine rn so how are you “depressed”?” my boyfriend sees it, but he has no idea how to help because there’s nothing he can do to help. He can’t quit his job because it’s the main source of income we have since I’m working two PT jobs hardly making anything. Anyone else can relate? Everyone says it gets better, but it feels like it only just gets worse. I don’t know what else to do, who else to contact or talk to.

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I am really sorry you’re going through this! ❤️ What do you struggle the most with the baby? I found the mental load really challenging and its often invisible to partners and anyone else. The constant needing to be “on” is exhausting, so I feel you! I find that asking my partner to take over complete tasks like always feed the dog, manage the trash, ensure there is always enough nappies and wipes available, that kind of thing, helps me. I canmt offer advice regarding meds but I think talking to someone always helps. I’m sure you can get a referral for talking therapy from your gp. It does get better though!

@Lina there’s not anything that really helps me because he says he’ll do whatever I ask him to do but he hardly gets to the tasks because he works 8-10 hour shifts as a blue collar worker so he’s just so damn tired when he gets home he just wants to at least spend time with our daughter before she goes to bed. And after she’s asleep he wants to shit, eat, shower (if there’s time) and dick around on video games and all I want to do is cry in bed cause I’m so over life and motherhood and feeling alone. He tries, but he doesn’t at the same time. I don’t need help/advice on medication‘s because I have been on meds after meds after meds for 10 years just to realize that they make me more sick and incapable of living normally. I’m already in therapy. I’ve been in therapy since I was 8 years old. But there’s only so much you can say in a weekly hour therapy session. And it’s not like weekends are better bc we’re at each other’s throats the whole three nights and two days cause we’re opposites

Sounds like you need a break, I’m really sorry! Have you tried talking to him on the weekend when he’s had a good sleep about those tasks? Sounds like you’re doing way more than him and its his daughter too. I find when I had some me time and did stuff just for myself it helps me to feel better and fill up my cup. If he has time to play video games every now and then you deserve time to do what makes you happy. You can’t be expected to function like a robot at all times ❤️

I related way to much to everything you were saying about being a mom and about how your partner treats you but it also start with the foundation that was built so if he’s not good to you the way you deserve to be then everything else is going to feel like it’s caving in😕

I don’t want to give generic advice because I genuinely feel your pain through this screen. Motherhood is HARD most mums in this day and age struggle, because of lack of support for the MUM. I can see you’ve tried meds and don’t have a super helpful village atm. Is there anyone who can support you in getting a little more consistency? perhaps have a joint call with a baby specialist and your partner/ caregivers to help them also get on the same page as you Also is there anyway you can cope on one job? Just for the time being so you can get that control over the little ones routine etc. I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this. The fact you are trying your best makes you an excellent mum hoping and praying you find the strength to keep going please don’t give up! X

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