Am I an AH?

So my partner is in therapy for anxiety and depression and I'm not the biggest fan of his therapist, and he doesn't go regularly. I feel like I have to nag him about going. Anyway, my partner HATES my sister. Currently, at the point that her existing in the same space is an issue. The problem is we live with her (we all live on my parents' property), and she helps care for our toddler. The only thing his therapist does apparently is to suggest he avoid her. This isn't always possible, and I asked him if he could ask for other coping methods. He sighed heavily and threw his head back. I got upset and walked away. I'm done being stuck in the middle but have zero idea what to do. Am I an AH for suggesting that? *backstory; she betrayed our trust, apologised (with an "I apologise but...") I forgave and have moved on, but he can't. That was 4 years ago. Everything she has done since bugs him; calls our son "the baby," we requested she stop, and she did, but we dis have to ask a few times. Her saying anything to anyone about our son annoys him as he feels she is living through us. Her answering questions about our son (this occasionally annoys me too), her helping care for our cat while we are away but she leaves the food wrapper on the bench or doesn't clean the tray (we are gone for 2 days) etc His feelings are valid, and she has crossed lines, but now everything she does, he adds to the arguments for disliking her. For Eg, she asked my Dad to close a gate after I had just asked him, so he feels she butted in (she didn't), and then she said she was tired and had driven people around and now had to drive home (we were out for dinner and she has been unwell and has spent 7 weeks of this year in hospital) and he thought she was complaining and was annoyed as she wasn't the only person who was tired. He was up at 4, works an hour away from home, we went out basically as soon as he got home, he has a physically exhausting job, etc) Anyway. It's exhausting.

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I wouldn't blame the therapist for this. If his reaction to your thoughts is to sigh and throw up his hands, I'd say he isn't really listening to his therapist anyway. And i doubt he's telling you the truth about what the therapist is saying

I think it all sounds quite petty and superficial on the surface - annoyed that she's left a food wrapper out but she's been looking after your cat while you were away. She helps to look after your child which is a huge responsibility, of course she will be able to answer questions about him, she probably has an amazing bond with him and knows a lot about him! Nobody is perfect. It sounds like something more deep rooted is going on with your partner. He's depressed so will only be picking up on all the negatives which will be feeding into his low mood and apparent hatred of your sister. He needs to work harder in therapy and actually practice what he's learning otherwise it will be pointless him going. I work in mental health myself and I can guarantee they are offering more coping skills than just "avoid her", but also, therapists aren't there to wave a magic wand and give all of the answers, he has to work on it himself aswell. You're not the AH here and I can understand why it's exhausting.

Your husband isn’t being seen or validated. The gate thing was your sister butting in. Being subtle about it. It’s almost a small power move to be like since you didn’t do it I can get someone to do it because you didn’t and you’re pretty much being useless. Your sister is a strain to your marriage, I’m not sure if you see it. Things would change if you put your foot down. Is your sister really work losing your husband for? You guys either need to sit down and have a family meeting or go to family counseling. Your sister is being the second mom to your kid and your husband doesn’t like it since he picked you to be the mother of his kids.

I bet if you tried to talk to your husband to see what’s really going on without your getting offended or trying to dismiss it. He would actually talk. Men need to feel like men and in control if they are feeling useless or not enough to my tend to shut down. Therapy isn’t going to work if he’s not feeling respected and loved.

Maybe the therapist isn't working out for him, as it doesn't seem like he's listening to them by his responses But at the same time, he has been told by his therapist to avoid your sister, maybe it's just for the moment whilst they work on other issues, but you should respect that. I know it's difficult as she's your sister, I also don't think you asking for him to ask for other coping methods is wrong. Could you maybe go to an appointment with him?

I don't know any of you and the reality you guys face at home or what the betrayal was all about. I can be wrong but it all looks so superficial to me. She seems to help you guys a lot. She might not do it exactly the way that you would want, but she does it anyway. If you do not like it, stop asking her and do without her. And if he is that bothered by her, you guys can start planning on getting your own place.

@America, excuse me?! I see him and validate his feelings every chance I get. He never speaks up, and I don't always notice things, but I do notice he looks angry or annoyed, and I ask what happened. I always apologise for not noticing, etc I've stood up for him with my sister and parents, and I've set boundaries. I didn't agree with because he wanted them. This has strained my relationship with my family. I'm in a lose-lose situation because every single thing I do pisses someone off. Also, you weren't there, and no, it absolutely wasn't her butting in. I asked my Dad to close the gate but he hadn't heard me so my sister repeated what I'd said but a bit louder. It was the gate to a kids' play area. Also, I have put my foot down, but I don't know how to address certain things without destroying her or ruining my relationship with her or my sons relationship with her. I doubt he'd agree to family counselling.

@America, what do you mean, what's really going on?

@Kath, that's what I thought, but he won't listen to me. As I said, it is not always possible because we live together. He can avoid her as much as he can, but sometimes he has to deal with her, and 90% of the time, when that happens, he is rude to her, and it ruins our day, evening etc Like when he has had to pick our son up, he doesn't ask questions, just picks him up and leaves, then I have to call them later to ask stuff. My whole family avoids inviting us places (except birthday dinners) because of his attitude. I stand up to them as much as I can, but we live with my parents rent free, they have paid for our car (we are paying them back), have paid for a few family holidays and have helped raise our son, so there is only so much I'm willing to do at the moment as I feel I'd be a massive AH otherwise. Most of his appointments are telehealth, so no, I probably couldn't go with him. I think we might need to go back to couples counselling.

I think it’s time for yall to move out. Once you’re married to someone they’re supposed to be your #1 priority and it seems like you have to choose, but you don’t. You married the man to be your family now and I’m not saying your other family doesn’t matter, BUT husband > sister. That’s how I see it though, especially if you’re going to live with him for the rest of your life. You will not be living with your sister and she is not the father of your son. To make it less complicated I would suggest to move out if possible. This could also separate some of his feelings towards her.

If the therapist really only is suggesting avoidance, then maybe try some new therapists or explain to the current therapist that he needs to work on communication, coping skills, and anger management. They have to cohabitate, so 100% avoidance is not an option. I usually recommend that people try a few providers before you decide which is best for you. And look at their specialties.

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