Offered to help my friend and feel insulted😔
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Wow! People these days. I would let her know exactly what time it is. “If you aren’t comfortable dropping your kids off here then I’m sorry but I won’t be able to help. You can’t have your cake and eat it too”
I'm really sorry but that's not going to be possible as I still need to work everything around my own family but I completely understand if that doesn't work for you.
I don't really understand why people take these comments as judgement. She simply stated what she's comfortable with. That's not judgement. This is one of those things that makes it difficult to have friends. Clear communication is not judgement.
It's less about asking me to come over and more about her reasoning. I can't imagine I'd become friends with someone new who had the same beliefs as her. However we have known each other for years and I go back and forth between feeling empowered that we have maintained a friendship despite almost nothing in common now vs feeling like she and her husband have lost their ever loving minds lol
@Jessica seems to be a fine line between communication vs judgment. It feels judgmental to have someone (her) 'bothered' by the cleaning products I use, the snacks I feed my children, the candles I light, the detergents I wash with, the products I purchase, the restaurants we eat at, the vaccines we have had our children get. Etc. I chose not to comment on her choices. She quite often, almost every time I see her, comments on mine. That feels more than just communication 🤷♀️
Tbh people can go crazy for their kids sometimes but at some point they will drive themselves mad trying to avoid all the toxic things. In this world everything is bad for you. She's just gone a bit OTT... To me it sounds like she's got some serious anxiety about her child's health and wellbeing and not trying to offend you at all. She's trying to accept help but struggling because she's worried about the outside factors.
Why is it judgemental? It's her preference. She chooses not to use them. How is that judgemental? People perceive communication as judgement when there is no judgement.
@Jessica she is free to decide what she wants to use or not use. Pertaining to my offer, it was specific on watching her kids in my home if ever she needed a helping hand. If that doesn't work for her because of the the products I use, than it makes more sense to just not take me up on my offer instead of trying to change it by asking me to go to her home. It's asking me to cater to her preferences which feels hypocritical.
@Jessica I agree with you that clear communication is important. But how something is said and how it lands both matter. It’s not judgement because of her friends boundaries. It becomes judgement because of the way the friend brought said boundaries up; AND the ongoing comments about her home & the products she uses etc. She offered help from her heart, and it didn’t feel like the response acknowledged that at all.
For me it’s not so much judgment I care about as much as it is entitlement. I personally am a bit crunchy myself but I’d never pass up on someone’s offer to help me because they don’t hold the same values as I do. Like @Julia said, the toxicity of all the anxiety about what to avoid is probably worse than the toxic stuff itself. There needs to be some balance, and acceptance that bad stuff is out there and you can’t always avoid it
@Nina I don't really see it that way. It's just a request. And then that's the OP's decision whether or not to do it 🤷🏻 if there's ongoing judgemental comments, then maybe there is judgement, but I don't really see how just communicating preferences/making a request is "judgemental".
@Deena absolutely!!
@Deena how is it entitlement, though? "Hey, I can help you with your baby whenever." "I appreciate the offer, however, I'd really prefer if you came here, if that's okay." Then, it's up to the OP to decide. It's just a request.
@Jessica yeah, it is just a request, I just can’t imagine making it to someone who’s already going out of their way to try to help me 🤷🏻♀️
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@Jessica it’s like offering a homeless man your burger and fries and he asks for a coney dog instead. It’s just a request and you can easily say no, but it’s a bit entitled of him considering the circumstances
@Deena I don't think that's the same thing. I wouldn't be offended at all by this situation... If I didn't feel comfortable, I'd just tell her 🤷🏻 she's allowed to have whatever standards she wants on where her kids go. If it doesn't align with me, then it doesn't align. And that's fine
@Jessica well, I didn’t say I’d be offended. Just that I think it’s entitled. Both things can be true
Maybe if she had only asked if I would watch them at her house it might have landed differently. Her reasoning behind it felt judgmental. If it doesn't work to drop them off here, than perhaps it won't work. I dont have any help whatsoever and she has her Mom with her who does it ALL. Cooking, laundry, dog walking, toddler to playdates all five days a week. In the event her Mom gets sick, my friend can put in some effort to drive here if she wants me help. But it's now clear my house is not suitable for her children longer than the few hours they come over to hang out (??) so forget the offer. Now I feel bummed out and all I wanted was for her to know I had her back.
"I understand that we have different ways we care for our home and for our children. However, I am not going to get my kids ready and pack their belongings so that we can go to someone else's house to help out over there. If i had someone here to care for my kids i might be able to help you out in that specific way but i dont. I hope that you are able to find someone who can help you at your place. Please know that if you ever do need to drop your kids off here they're always welcome." Shes a new mom of two with raging and panicked hormones. I dont feel that she was trying to judge you and was just over explaining why she needed you over at hers. I get it. Shes worried and thats okay. We all worry about our children and sometimes have anxiety about their wellbeing in someone else's home. It's hard.
@C she was like this before she had her baby :) raging hormones hasn't changed her but sure, I understand that pp is wild and try to extend grace. This situation though was a bummer.
@Deena my husband finds it to be pretentious and entitled. It probably lands differently based on how much you like someone 😂
Based on what you said in the post and comments, I’d steer clear from her and her house… either cold turkey and just reduce communication until it dies naturally.
Tbh it’s kinda silly. The kids can come during visits, while mom is present. But the same home suitable for visits is now “too toxic” for babysitting ??? Lol did she really need/want the help?? What’s the real issue??
@Olga ugh that makes me really sad if that's how it ends up going at some point. I love her so much and love her children as if they were my own 🥲🥹 but I do acknowledge that the path she is on is so different and at times a disconnect. I miss the person she was 😪 I could never turn my back on her but maybe I need to begin with not offering my time and energy as I have been.
She's allowed to have her reasoning, though. That's her business. Some people don't have their kids around cigarettes, alcohol, pets, you name it. It's her preference, which has nothing to do with you.
@Jessica I feel like there's something you're not getting from my post and the comments 🤔 She comes over to my house to hang out. With her kids. This isnt an issue of whats her business or not. I offered something and she is asking for more than what the offer was and insulting my home as she does it. I think you aren't going to see things from my perspective and that's okay, so maybe we conclude your comments here ❤️
@Nina not sure (sorry, deleted my response because it felt too much like a diary entry lol) But I feel the same as you. It doesn't make much sense.
I would personally consider a friendship with an antivaxxer parent to be dangerous to my children. Just saying. That is a literally toxic belief and practice. Hi measles. Besides that rant, I think it sounds like she needs to get an actual babysitter to help, because not a lot of moms would go to her home when they have their own stuff to do, I'm guessing.
@Sarah all I know is that I've yet to have anyone offer to watch both my kids (probably most don't) but if I ever did recieve such an offer, I would never ask them to come here lol and certainly would not throw shade at their home not being good enough
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You offered your help.( Look after them at your house) And it's her loss. It's now her problem to solve without you because she would rather worry about what chemicals etc you use in your home. Instead of seeing the help right in front of her. Good luck for her trying to find someone else willing to look after them in "her" home.
It's not insulting, though 🤣
@Jessica to me it was. I dont need someone to tell me that my feelings aren't valid. To you, you wouldn't have been. Cool :)
Woah. Are you sure she's your friend? I consider myself super crunchy but I would never have the audacity to treat a friend like that.
@Jessica are you okay? 😵💫 you just looking to argue today? Get off on being the one weird commenter? Your comments scream no empathy and a passion for kicking people when down. Do better
@Aly no, thanks! It's not kicking someone down just to say that they prefer something different. I wouldn't be offended by what she said and I don't appreciate how you're speaking. Idk why people gotta be like that.
I'm not saying that your feelings aren't valid, as feelings are always valid. But just because you feel insulted, that doesn't mean that she said something out of line. People get offended by things that have nothing to do with them all the time.
Wondering if she expects you to rewash your clothes all over again so it doesn’t smell of chemicals before you come over and wrap yourselves in cling film and have a hazmat suit on with a mask 😂 I understand being chemical free but asking for help and trying to set rules for your friend is a bit entitled.
@Olivia 😂 I'm sure she wouldn't decline that offer! Haha!
She is ridiculous. If she wants something from someone it will come with a tax otherwise she's gonna have to do it herself if she has conditions for others. You're right to be offended.
I would not end the friendship completely. However, I would just let her know that you would only be able to watch them in your house. If she really is burned out and needs help she’ll take the offer. If not, it’s on her. At the end of the day, you were kind enough to offer. Whether she takes you up on the offer is on her.
@Jessica lol at you being the bad guy. I’m American but lived in a non western country for some years. What I’ve observed is that we are quick to be offended by friends/family and are so willing to cut them off as soon as they step out of line but then we also feel miserable that we are alone hence why we join apps like Peanut. The culture I married into showed me about real community. It entails forgiving and not making people close to you your enemies. It’s really sad. Condemning others, even your people, is a virtue in this culture.
@Chanel no one called her a bad guy. Her responses came across as insensitive. I never said I would cut off my friend, that's not where my heart is at. What I am acknowledging though is this all feels frustrating. Can't imagine how the situation would play out in other countries 🙃
Hi, I know it feels insulting but as someone who lives a similar lifestyle to her, I really don’t think she was trying to insult you. She probably is too overwhelmed to find the right wording here, but essentially I think she feels like when it’s 2 adults watching all of the children, it’s easier to keep her children from the things she’s concerned about. I don’t think she’s putting down your lifestyle, she’s just being strict about hers. Please don’t hold it against her
Also, you can hold to your boundaries of watching the kids at your house, and I hope both of you dont hold it against each other for holding true to your own boundaries
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If someone is doing you a favour you either accept or decline. There is no need to start making digs about how you run your house... I'm a proper clean freak so my house always smells of detergent/bleach etc, whereas I know some people who don't have the same approach as me but I'd never try and shame them about it..
@Chanel lol thanks for validating ❤️ it's hard to not question yourself when a thousand people are ganging up on you sometimes 🙃 people get offended by eeeeeeverythiiiiiiiing. Making a statement about MY preferences is not a statement about YOU.... That's just your insecurity showing up lol
@Jessica It would have been viewed as your preference if you had left a comment and that was it. You proceeded to argue that how I'm feeling wasn't valid or wanted others to explain themselves so it made sense to you. It then was no longer a "preference" but inconsiderate and annoying.
@Jessica why are you still involving yourself on here? You don't see where the OP is coming from, which is fine, but then leave it. No one ganged up on you, majority of the responses were understanding that this entire scenario is unfair. Listen, I personally don't use the standard cleaners we all grew up with but i have friends who do and it has never crossed my mind or left my mouth to comment on their choices in their home. If they offered to help me out in a time of need, that matters more than anything. This girls "friend" sounds spoiled and controlling. You don't ask your friend to bend over backwards further to come to your house and certainly not because of the reason stated. That's entitlement 100%. You didn't just give your opinion. You went on to argue about how this all isn't offensive. Not okay. OP is offended, has a right to be, and if you aren't than fine but stop pestering her
Incognito 👏 you sound like a great friend and I hope you find friends or invest more in ones who give back the same energy
Honestly, if it’s been a pattern of judgement masked as her “preference”, I’d reevaluate the friendship, you don’t necessarily have to let her go. But def consider the type of people you want to be in your close circle.