Upset by Family

Sorry, this is a bit of a rant, I’m just feeling alone in this situation and am starting to feel I’m wrong and just wanted to get others input. I’m really struggling mentally at the moment as my Mum and Sister are being, in my eyes, really unreasonable. I’ve got to have a C-section due to a medical condition, (non pregnancy related), that I’ve struggled pain wise with for most of my 30 years on the planet. My husband and I were advised before we tried for baby, pregnancy would be hard without my medication. Boy the consultants weren’t wrong 😂. We’ve decided that to help me recover, for the first week home, absolute bed rest. We don’t want to risk my future mobility even more. During this time we’ve said we 100% don’t want visitors for that first week and then we’ll play it all by ear. We’ve said we’re happy for a visit at the hospital, so my in laws (absolutely incredible people ❤️), my parents and our sisters can meet the baby in an environment where we will feel more comfortable that it’s a short visit and no one will try to take over etc. This is for them, not us, because we know we want space when we get home, and they’ll all be upset if they haven’t met baby. This week my sister informed me she’s going away for a few weeks when the baby is due, so I’ll just have to deal with a home visitor so she can meet the baby before she goes on holiday! My Mum has now screamed at me down the phone because we’re being selfish, cutting them out and being rude by referring to the baby as ‘our baby’ (as in mine and my husbands). That Grandparents have rights and my boundaries are unreasonable. She’s said my sister is just thinking of me and the baby by wanting to visit us at home in the first week as is everyone else. I said that’s everyone thinking of themselves, because we’ve been so clear that our wishes are not to have visitors that first week. I just want space to heal and rest with my husband and our new baby so we can all bond during that time without added stress. I just feel so upset and my Mum is now acting like nothing happened. Pregnancy has been hard enough with how my Mum and sister have acted throughout - that’s a whole other conversation - but this has tipped me over the edge. Is anyone else dealing with being made to feel awful? I hear a lot about in laws - but not much about direct family Mum’s, and sisters etc. My in laws, well they’re so lovely - we have even invited them on our last holiday before baby!

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Well, should I say it's a 'good' thing this isn't coming from your inlaws. Would have been a harder situation to deal with. But since it's your own mother, they can all rest😑 I don't want visitors means, I DON'T WANT VISITORS. And since my reasons are more than reasonable to me (I don't care however they interpret it), that's their problem. They can deal with their own selfishness for wanting to put themselves first before thinking about my health. Baby is not running away. Your sister can visit when she's back from holiday. Baby has still got 1 more year to be a baby. If they still aren't okay with it, I will ignore them all for the time being and not even bother having them over during the hospital visit because they would most likely rub it in my face that they are sacrificing a lot coming at that time. When I have rested well after the weeks following hospital, we can then address the matter 🥱 I think the perk of having such issues with your own family is you don't bother much about been TOO nice 😂

This is definitely your decision and they need to respect that. She could change her holiday bookings if it was that important to her. And your mum can surely come to hospital. It’s definitely your baby, not theirs! Shame that they’re not being more supportive… at least you can compare their behaviour to your in-laws and see that not everyone has an issue with your decisions. I hope you recover well. Take the time you need. :)

I swear when you have a baby everyone thinks they’re entitled to the baby. Stand your ground because trust me, I had an emergency c section with my first and was home the following day with no time to recover or process what happened, a lot of people piled round for the first 2 days and it was far too much for us and half of them don’t even bother anymore. This time we’re putting stricter boundaries in place for the sake of us and our toddler settling in with a new baby. You’re well within your rights to want what you want and if other people like your in laws can understand that then so should your own family. I had a big thing with my mum with my first because she wanted to visit at the hospital and I said no because I want that time for the 3 of us to bond and she was refusing to wait 24 hour to meet the baby. It’s 24 hours, what do you think is going to happen, she’s going to get up and start walking and talking in that time?

You know what’s best for you and your baby. Set the boundaries you are comfortable with and stick to them. I’ve said no one gets to meet baby for at least two weeks as I want recovery time, time for our little family to bond and baby’s immune system to develop a bit. My mum was clearly very unhappy when I told her, but I won’t change my mind. You’re being totally reasonable and you don’t need the added stress.

Urh the entitlement of people is something else. I have had some different issues with family but I understand how hard it is when people who are meant to be on your side simply aren't. I'd be very firm about standing my ground and tell your sister the door won't be being opened if she turns up. She's the one going on holiday, that isn't on you. And as for your Mum, I'd like to know where those grandparent rights she thinks she has are coming from, my goodness. People need to understand that behaving like that will get them Less, not more

I honestly feel the same, I just want to be in my own baby bubble but I know everyone will whine and complain if I say no visitors. Although my mum will be at the birth I know she won’t want to leave after, I’m afraid she will try take over. You do absolute right telling them your needs and wishes! You do what is best for you and your new little family ❤️

It's hard when it's your own family being difficult. Unfortunately I can relate but also have very supportive in laws. I try to remember that we can be selfish, it's not always a bad thing. You're not hurting them by thinking of your own health first. You've also clearly put a lot of thought into making sure they feel included. That doesn't even sound selfish! It's up to them what they do with that. Trust your gut and try to ignore any guilt trips.

We're planning on doing a month of no visitors. I don't want loads of germs from people around our newborn and also because my brother is the type of person to make it all about himself. The type that when I sent him a photo of the baby scan, he put it on his WhatsApp story (before I had announced it to anyone) so he could get people asking him about it. I know when I tell him he ain't seeing the baby or coming into my house for a month after the baby is born - which is gonna be the same for everyone other than my mum who's moving in for a couple of weeks to help out. I know he's gonna make it really hard on me and my husband. But at the end of the day, this is your baby and what you say goes. END. OF! As a few people have said, trust your gut and ignore them. You are doing what you feel is best for your baby.

Not being unreasonable at all. We didn’t have to deal with family as both our families live in other countries but I remember two days after we got back from the hospital a friend wanted to drop off a package and we agreed and they ended up staying for more than an hour which may not sound long but if you’ve had a c-section that is a loooong time to be sitting up and trying to be social. In my husbands culture it is normal for everyone to go visit the baby as soon as possible and I asked him to tell his friends absolutely not for at least the first two weeks and I’m so thankful we did that. This time round whether or not I have a c-section, no one is coming around for the first week unless we specifically invite them.

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Thank you all so much for sharing your stories and for being so honest. It has helped me feel confident in our decision, I am feeling so upset that my family acts the way they do. But, I’ve got an incredible husband, and we’re going to have an incredible baby 🥰🥰. Our beautiful dog will be the only one at our house that first week - for lots of naps and cuddles! Thank you all so much - feeling a lot less alone. Xx

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