TW

I feel like a terrible mom and I need to get this off my chest without saying anything out loud. I feel so guilty thinking about it, but my oldest is 3 almost 4 and she annoys me. Like too the point where I just don’t like trying with her anymore. Since she was a tot, I’ve had a lot of insecurities about her and I just feel in my gut she’s different. She doesn’t like anything fun. She doesn’t want to play with no other kids. She’s very demanding and it she doesn’t get her way, it’s a back n forth battle until she has a meltdown. She’s screams all the time as a response. I genuinely feel like I tune her out sometimes and sometimes my love for her feels forced. It’s weird because I know I love her. I miss her when I’m away from her too long. We do have great days and some of my insecurities started to go away when me & her teachers started seeing improvement in using her voice. (Because she was a copycat for so long & sometimes I feel like I’m talking to a shell of a human and not my child) it’s likes she’s lnot there if that makes sense and creating dialogue is like grinding teeth. When her sister was born, I felt this immediate rage inside of me and I’ve become this drill sergeant with my oldest, yet calm with my newborn.I feel so ashamed to admit that I’m becoming my mother and when I look at my daughter I see little me. Growing up I felt different but why can’t I sympathize with her instead of being so mean. Like I want to punch walls and scream. I want someone to choke me until I pass out. I get grabby and strict with my oldest even when I don’t realize it. My husband has made it seem that I don’t love my oldest (which I do but I don’t understand why I feel this way). My oldest has been screaming at everything. If I talk to her dad, “dad nooooo stoppppppp” or if I walk into a room, “no more mama” or if I need my husband to hold the baby, she melts down and screams until my husband is away from the baby. I guess overtime with these responses has made me feel this way about her. I know this part may seem typical but she’s been indifferent about me since she was 2. I’ve been trying for so long to correct this that I feel like I mentally gave up, especially since having another baby around that needs me. Other than that, I’m drowning in housework. I can’t focus. My brain just feels like it’s being propelled by a motor and I’ve been fighting with my husband every week because the stress of the kids. I’ve even gone far enough to slice my arm with a utility knife because I needed a distraction from the intense stress I was feeling. I just feel like I want to explode all the time and I hate that I take it out on my kids. I know they don’t deserve it. But after so long, after so long of waiting and trying and waiting some more, I just feel like my child is me and she is different but everyone thinks otherwise. That she’s just an introverted kid. Born during the height of Covid and we didn’t social at all really. A part of me feels like I messed up with her. Like I’m ducking her up everyday that I’m alive. I hate it. I hate it so much it makes me want to curl up and drive my car into a river while I watch videos of my kids laughing and being happy. I’m just not happy enough or a good mom.