Am I over reacting ?
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@Preeti thank you . I am so disappointed and I feel so terrible I can’t even begin to explain how I felt hearing those words coming out of his mouth .
Men don’t know pain like women do. Yes his wording choice was shit but at the same time you need to realize he doesn’t know labour the way you do. Men are also hypochondriacs. He apologized to you. That’s all that matters. If your sister needs support you can be her biggest advocate. DO NOT bring your experiences up to her because every situation is different. Make sure to drill home that “birth plans” do not go as planned. Let her experience this as a first mom without projecting your bad experience. Women are resilient. It happens in the moment but you forget how bad the pain is when you’ve given birth to that child. Keep her calm. Every birth is different. Give her the positives of birth. Do not project your negatives of birth on a first time mother.
Not to go off on a tangent, but did your baby have shoulder dystocia? When you mentioned that his head would come out but go back in, that’s what made me think this is what happened.
It's easy for him to say that, he wasn't giving birth and has noooo idea what it's like!! I did the same, not knowingly with my legs and closed them. The nurse kept reminding me to open and bring my knees towards me. In that moment, it's almost hard to focus since so much is going on in the room, the doctor is saying one thing, the nurse on your other side, hubby by your other leg and other nurses scattered all around the room! He definitely could have worded it better. I don't think you overreacted. If my husband said that, I would have 100% been upset too.
@Jenn no thankfully he didn’t .
@Joanne I agree and I told her that but she kept insisting to know how mine went so I told her . Even with the ring of fire i told her not everyone feels it and mentioned 5 family members that didn’t feel it. When he apologized he was upset the I didn’t accept his apology and really I realized that if he just said that I couldn’t keep that position up or didn’t know how I wouldn’t have felt that way . But that I was shitty in .. etc This was the hardest thing I’ve done in my life . You know most people forget how bad the pain is once the baby is there but in my case I was still in so much pain when the baby arrived and for the next 4 weeks . Yes I would do it all over again to have my precious little one but I didn’t forget about it. I’m only telling you this part because I think the fact that it was something this painful and hard and exhausting and hearing him criticize and tell them that the reason the baby didn’t come out is because of that which I actually don’t believe)
Is what actually hurt me. I don’t think it’s his place to share my story to begin with and especially not this way . Should the fact that he apologized to me make it all go away? Because it’s not and I don’t know how to act like it did . @Joanne
@Amber thanks Amber it makes me feel better that someone else went through that like because I haven’t heard that being a struggle to anyone before so it made me feel like a failure.
I think that your husband likely didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. He doesn’t understand what is involved in delivery. (Tbh a man will never get it) To place any fault on you for not being good at positioning is the wrong thing to say and I hope that by you sharing your feelings he will understand that. I like that another poster asked about shoulder dystocia because there might have been a reason you pushed for so long and so hard. You forgetting to keep your legs open is not the reason your baby wasn’t coming out. Often times, hospitals force women to push on their back causing it to take so much longer than needed. There’s so many factors. I hope you two can resolve this for yourself and for your family.
@Anna thanks Anna , he definitely didn’t mean to hurt me he said it so casually , but it really did . And I don’t think that point being discussed would have helped my sister in law in anyway. Regarding the birth on the back I’ll definitely not do that with my second , I loved how prepared my sister in law is and knows easier positions I thought that doctors will put me the easiest position for me but that wasn’t the case at all. My OB was rude , I was in so much pain so when she was stitching I couldn’t stay still and she gave me attitude. She was very insensitive. The stitching happened right after the baby was out. Honestly till today whenever I think about my experience I just cry because I feel like I was too exhausted to advocate for myself and no one advocated for me . I even wanted to keep the baby attached for 5 min before cutting the cord and she just said that’s pointless there is no medical suggestion for that , and I was too tired so even discuss I went like fine just
@Anna fine just cut it . I don’t know if it makes a difference with all this but my husband is a physician and he helped deliver over 10 babies during his residency.
In my experience (I’ve had 2 deliveries) OBs are not always there to support you emotionally and psychologically. They want the baby out and for both you to be healthy. You didn’t suck at pushing, sounds like you weren’t supported. I’m so sorry you had an insensitive OB. That is not OK and should not be the standard even though it is. That’ll stick with you forever but it’ll help how you handle your next delivery (if you have another one). My first delivery gave me a lot to process and I advocated for myself the second time around so much. Our system is not set up to support moms. Continue to process your experience and seek help if you need to.
If it makes you feel better I had the same problem! My positioning was fine but my midwives said I wasn't maintaining pressure, so when I stopped to take another breath she would go back up. They said that even when stopping to breath to try to keep pressure and not relax at all which I had a hard time doing. You are absolutely right that it is very hard to focus with all of that going on and it was definitely the hardest thing I've ever done! I think I pushed for almost 2 hours lol. Giving birth is not easy and don't let anybody make that memory any harder than it has to be. Definitely stress to him that statements like that are hurtful and not at all welcome and to think about how he words things going forward. Unfortunately he can't take those words back, but he can make sure he never disrespect you like that again
@Casey thank you so much you did make me feel better ❤️
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@Anna you’re right I’ll advocate for my self when I have the second one ❤️thank you so much
You went through all of the hard work and pain, and he criticized you for it in a way that could only be taken negatively. Him saying he didn't mean any disrespect is disappointing because he isn't taking accountability for how his words affected you. You have every right to be upset. On a side note, as a mama who labored for 20hours and ended up in a c-section, I think you're incredible for pushing as long as you did. It's such a painful and emotional experience, and you managed to deliver baby safely. ❤️
Awww thank you so much @Jess You did amazing too ❤️
This is the first time I vent on peanut and I really feel better thank you all for your kind words and support
He could've definitely expressed his feelings in a better way. Words like "shitty" and "sucked" are so demeaning. There's always a way of expressing respectfully. You can take your experiences and mistakes from your first birth and learn from it for your next one (if you decide!)