How to cope with seeing MIL when you don't want to?

Without going into everything, I feel very strongly about my MIL and not in a good way. This is all post baby or post pregnancy actually, before that I didn't mind her but we didn't really get on like good friends or anything. I don't like the way she's treated me during pregnancy and since baby (baby is 5 months). I don't like the things she's done and said and actions during this time. And it's all opened my eyes to her true character and I really don't like her actual personality or anything now. I have had a few months not seeing her which I asked for due to it affected my mental health etc too much. I've finally just managed to push my feelings to the side enough so that she can see baby, this was just over a week ago. Now my husband has asked me already can we put the next date in to see her again. As soon as I saw the message from him, my stomach rolled and I felt sick and it's been over a hour and I still feel sick and anxious and don't want baby seeing me like this. It's hard to smile and play with her. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm not usually a very anxious person. To summarise everything, my MIL has been proper shit to me (IMO) and done some things etc. However, compared to other people's stories I know, let alone what I've read on this app, I know it could be a million trillion times worse. Like she's not THAT bad compared to others in the grand scheme of things. But for some reason I still I really really just don't want to see her and it's to the point of making me feel sick and anxious. If I could never see her again, I would be happy. Obviously for the sake of my husband and marriage, and I suppose even my daughter, I need to see her for the rest of our lives. I guess I'm just really struggling with how I'm supposed to kind of just get over it? Like even just enough to accept seeing her regularly. This is the first time I've ever disliked someone that I've still been forced to see? And play nice? I'm naturally a very easy going person. I don't fall out with friends or family, I'm very straightforward so any issues are just resolved. Or in the case of friends, if I don't trust someone, I just don't see them. But even so, I've never fallen out with them and haven't got 'enemies' or whatever. So I'm really at a loss. I don't know how to tell my husband this without explaining that his mother is a horrible person and I don't like her. Which obviously wouldn't go down well. He knows the gist but probably not to this... (ctd in comments)

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extent, and so far been relatively accepting of my feelings ie asking for the space and stuff. But I think now that we've seen her once again, he's thinking it's all OK now and we'll start seeing her all the time. This to me is impossible. Twice a year would be hard and I doubt I could ever get away with it being that irregular. Just needed to get it off my chest I guess and does anyone have any advice?

It’s a really tough one I’ve been in the same situation and it’s horrible. You really work yourself up and then question why you’re allowing yourself to get this worked up over a person. But I think it’s just a natural instinct that’s new to us as moms and that over protectiveness kicks in. Ultimately you have to do what’s best for you. I have the same situation and even though they don’t bother with me or little one on the very few occasions I know I’m going to see her I just become a mess and can’t function, or sleep leading up to it. Saying it out loud sounds completely dramatic but the anxiety just cripples you and you can’t function. Here if you ever want to chat.

Yes I feel exactly like you. We've got a date in now and I just know it's going to loom over me the whole time until the day too, and affect sleep too like you say

Same situation as well. Bcos my daughter was having a hard time to go down for bed at night and I watched a tiktok of a sleep consultant and mums saying if they don't have good day naps they are overtired and hard to put down. So we set timers for us to be out and go home for naps and bedtime. It's has helped avoid conflicts, so my hubby goes and sees her himself without interrupting our routine. He knows if LO routine is out then mama is not happy with papa. We only ever see her for a brunch sesh once in a blue moon meeting outside. To add to it MIL lives SOR and we live NOR 40m between us so to get to anywhere and back for meetup, there's only 1-2hrs of visit depending on place. Here if you need an ear 👂

Similar situation but they live very locally to us. My husband and son see her every weekend or every other weekend, I go with them maybe once a month. It’s horrible because all week I think about it and am worrying, and even when they go without me I try and plan something nice like getting my nails done but can’t relax. It is a compromise though- my husband has asked me to see her during the week while he is at work and that is just a hard no from me

How would you feel about your husband seeing his family with the baby without you? I have felt everything you have described and it got to the point I would cry from the anxiety (MIL is always rude and makes nasty comments that I felt I always had to bite my tongue and can’t respond ect) but this last year I finally discussed with my husband my feelings and that I needed to distance myself from them. He now occasionally takes the two children (3 and 5months) to see his parents whilst I stay home. We also agreed that he will not tell me anything his parents say during the visits (the comments and judgement ect) as this would then still effect me mentally. Maybe this could be a compromise that you could do if you feel comfortable baby being away from you x

Thanks girls. It would be a few hours visit maximum anyway because we live about an hour and half to 2 hours away so there's at least that. On top of that though, I really don't want them coming here in my space in particular and as well as that, they always just linger and out stay their welcome, so that's a hard no. Can't wait for that to come up next time with husband... The thought of husband taking baby to see her without me doesn't sit with me well unfortunately. I exclusively breastfeed so rarely have time apart from her anyway, so idk if that plays a part. But either way, I don't feel comfortable with that.

Honestly, idek when I will. She's the type of person I don't trust to be around my baby (or future children) not for worry of physical harm but mental. And nothing obvious like blatantly cruel but her whole being. She's so negative and insecure and more, and I just don't want any of that rubbing off onto my daughter. In addition, she's the bitchy type that talks about people behind their back and I have no doubts in my mind that she'll bad mouth me to my child. I'm sure plenty of my feelings could be being exaggerated by the hormones but unfortunately that's how I feel right now.

Ok totally understand not feeling comfortable baby being away from you if they are so far away. My in-laws live 5 mins away so it’s easier. Another alternative is that when you HAVE to see them, mentally detach and just let your husband do all the talking, if they ask you a question then answer with one or two word answers, don’t offer any information, don’t get into a conversation, just be there in body but not in mind :) If they make a comment about you being quiet or “off” just smile and say you are tired. Then continue not talking. X

@Brittany thank you. Yeh I will do that I think. Just ride it out x

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