C-Section Grief

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this! No advice, just that I can relate. I'm only 3.5 months pp and I feel very similar and I also feel like I didnt give birth. Very sad I wasn't able to do this for my daughter and that I never got to experience it. I know not many people can relate to this, but I was actually really looking forward to being in labour and giving birth when I was pregnant. Mine was elected, but not because I wanted it, but more because it seemed the lesser 'evil' at the time. My other option would have been to get induced, but I had had some very bad, traumatic experiences with the hospital staff and thought I wouldn't have to stay in hospital as long with a section and it would be less mentally taxing (I wasnt able to change hospitals anymore). I'm so angry they didn't provide a safe environment for me to give birth in. I'm planning on talking about it in therapy once baby has settled a bit more. Might that be an option for you as well? X

I had a planned section, so I can’t relate to this - but I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. Keep reminding yourself that you allowed what was best and needed for your baby - and that makes you a great mum and definitely not a failure ❤️ If you haven’t already, perhaps speak to your health visitor and ask how to go about arranging for a debrief with the hospital to go over your birth notes. It may help put things into perspective - and allow you to see clearly that what happened was absolutely medically necessary and not a failure on your part 💕

Hello 💕 Personally I found CBT and EMDR therapy helped me work through all my negative feelings surrounding my birth (including the birth trauma) I don’t know if it ever really goes away fully but it definitely helps and your counsellor will give you lots of coping strategies to use in the future. You can go through the minds matter website. They fast tracked me because I was postpartum. I hope you feel better soon xx

I have these feelings 7 months on but much less since I forced myself to think positive. I could have died if I didn't have a c section my son could have died . We did what we had to for our babies. We sacrificed ourselves and our fulfilment for there safety we are amazing mums we went through just as much trauma as a normal birth and couldn't get up and walk around after or sit up in bed without help . Our babies don't care how we got them here and noone sees us as less if a mum for it. These negative feelings are natural. Our natural path was interrupted with a full stop and o think that's what makes you feel that way. But you have to repeat your positive affirmations whenever you have these thoughts. You are enough you did not fail you survived . That's how all good mental health works , your brain is your enemy and you have to tell it no get lost whenever it gets you xx

Thank you for your kind words of support. I did go through a course of counselling/CBT early on in my PP weeks/months, but I really didn’t find any help or solice from it which is just leading me to think I’ll always feel this way.

Aww I feel this ❤️ I recently had a midwife open up my notes and explain in extreme detail about how the ceserean wasn’t my fault, my body didn’t actually fail and I did nothing wrong. I had been blaming myself before then. I am desperate for a VBAC for baby #2 as I think this will help me get over it although it will never sit right with me that I had a ceserean for my first. If my VBAC fails I’m going to be distraught 😭

If you can, look into EMDR therapy. It’s brilliant. It’s a way of reprocessing your brain in order to overcome trauma. Sending you all the love. Xx

I went through the same. You have to tell yourself, “It’s ok to feel….” And then detail everything you feel in relation to it. Writing it down is best. You have to feel everything and stop fighting it. And recognise it was shitty and that you deserved better. It really helps me with any super stressful experiences.

I found CBT doesn't work for me. If you are in the UK, it's unfortunately often the only thing the NHS will offer. If you can, maybe look into private therapy. I tried therapy on the NHS for 10 years and at best it did nothing, at worst it made things worse. I then invested in private therapy, researched a therapist I got on well with and the difference is night and day. She told me CBT was originally to treat phobias, but because it's such a cheap option it's now used for everything whether appropriate or not. Unfortunately private therapy isn't accessible to many people

Can you get a birth debrief from the hospital? Where they go through what happened and explain it all to you? It may help you to accept it a little better? Unfortunately births don't always go to plan - even if you give birth "naturally" there may be huge aspects of it that weren't what you planned, or there may be complications afterwards that leave you with these feelings. I know you know this and it isn't logical how you feel, but I'm sure you know that the important thing is that you did the right thing for yourself and your baby to make sure you are here, safe and healthy x

Ok, at risk of sounding like a dick…why does how you gave birth even matter? You have a child that you love and have a year’s worth of memories with, it’s irrelevant how they came into the world. Change up how you think about it, be thankful that modern medicine allowed you to have that child safely when previously you may not have. Turn it into gratitude for what you gained rather than resentment for what you missed out on because in the grand scheme of things how they got here is irrelevant, the point is they’re here 🩵

@April while I understand this angle, from a healing point of view it isn’t very helpful. It’s possible to be extremely grateful for modern medicine and the safe arrival of your little one, and be sad for the birth you didn’t get at the same time. One does not have to negate the other. Unfortunately, shaming someone to feeling grateful can compound the feelings of anger/sadness/resentment and actually make things worse. I know this from years of working through my own issues having had 6 years of fertility treatment. The best way to help people process a feeling is by allowing them to feel it. 💕

@Rachel @April Thankyou for this Rachel, I was in 2 minds on whether to bother with a response. April, with all due respect, I came here for advice and support from people who feel the same way I do, you clearly do not. What you have said is along the same lines as telling someone with depression to “just be happy”. You don’t know my story or circumstances which have led me to feeling the way I do, so I did not come here to argue my case or be judged.

I'm glad you guys have responded, I was tempted to say something a little stronger 🙈

Hey, so sorry you are going through this grief. I had planned a nice chilled home birth, but 16 days overdue, induction and 17 hours of labour later in hospital, they advised I had a c section, which I agreed too. Baby came out healthy and then I started bleeding and needed a blood transfusion.. so I know what it’s like to have a birth that I never envisioned. It can be hard to come to terms with happened. Same as these comments, if you can get a debrief of your notes, that helped me to understand why my body acted the way it did. Also accepting you are grieving, people normally think grief is just a death but you can grieve all sorts of things with the same pain. I would say talking about it helps, being kind to yourself and time will help you and your baby grow around this. I hope you find a way to help your grief xx

I like this explanation of grief https://www.rainbowhunting.co.uk/blog/whirlpool-of-grief it’s a good explanation of the emotions we can go through

@kayleigh Thankyou very much for this!

I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. I’ve felt somewhat similar feelings since i had my c-section as well, very complicated. My first born was a vaginal birth and with her it wasn’t as bad. My 2nd daughter I was in and out of L&D for 2-3 weeks with bad pains and contractions. They finally kept me overnight for observation and then in the morning told me i had to have an emergency c-section. And because of something i went through in the past, they didn’t want me to be awake and give me the medication i needed, so they were just going to put me to sleep. 😢 They didn’t give me a chance to do anything. Took me right in, one of the nurses was very rude, gave me the medication, forced the catheter which was very uncomfortable and then i felt the beginning pressure of them cutting and then i was asleep. I woke up in a cold room on a table and my baby was gone in ICU and it was so traumatic for me. I felt like i was robbed of my birthing experience as a mom and I hated it.

I just wanted to add a bit of my story, so you know you're definitely not alone, even if it's not the same. I had my first vaginally during covid. I had a severe tear, which meant I was taken off straight away for surgery, so I missed the first hour or so of my daughter's life. I was then on the ward on my own struggling, then my daughter got taken away and transferred to another hospital on her own. We could go visit (individually) but for limited time and we had to leave her every night. It's left me with a lot of feelings about birth choices, lack of care/support, like I had failed my daughter and wasn't there for her. I totally get it. Another consequence is that I'm having to have my 2nd via c section, which is not what I want in my heart of hearts at all. The only difference is that I've had longer (years!) to come to terms with the fact that if I had a 2nd, then this would be the case. Even then, I have conflicted feelings about it x

I feel this!! I had an emergency c section and have very similar feelings, I was also looking forward to the birth experience and it went so pear shaped and was also the opposite of what I wanted. I had a birth debrief and whilst it was useful for clarifying a few things for me I think I’ll definitely need therapy. I think you can definitely be thankful that c sections exist whilst still being upset that it wasn’t what you envisioned ♥️

@Incognito I really hope you’re ok. This should have been a safe space for you to able to share your experience without fear of being shot down. It’s heartbreaking to read so many similar stories but I take some comfort in the fact that so many people can empathise and have replied with such compassion 💕 keep talking, your feelings are valid xxx

I went on wanting an home birth ended up with a planned CS of my choice 🤣 do I feel I missed something? Yes. Do I feel I didn't give birth? No. Do I feel like a failure? Hell no, my body grew a tiny humans for 9 months, first 3 months have been in bed 24h eating nothing and puking my soul out, twice in a hospital for hyperemesis, third trimester at the hospital again for 4 days in pain, contractions and baby in distress caused by an ovarian cyst (ended up in pain for whole 10 days), pelvic girdle pain from 28 weeks until the end that persist even now, recovery from CS not an easy thing. So no, I'm not a failure and neither are you. A good mother is not how you give birth, don't let anyone tell you otherwise. I'm not planning on having other kids so I'll miss the chance of a natural birth but, I'm enjoying 1000% Everything and I'm planning on missing anything else. Focus on that.

I push my self to think that at least I have my baby here with me because at the end of the day he was the most important part of this process

1st know you're not alone. I had an unplanned c section almost 2 years ago. I'm still struggling with it. If it's possible, try and find a post partum focuses therapist. That's what has really helped me. I still struggle with it, but I am learning how to reframe and process it. 2nd. You're definitely not a failure! Anyway a little one is brought into this world is success and it IS birth! I know it's so difficult to frame it that way. But it is. It was what was best for you and baby. That's what matters. Keep reminding yourself that you did amazing. Birth, regardless of how it happens, is amazing and scary and wonderful. You did it! You brought your sweet little one into the world. You got this 💙💙 if you ever need to talk, my dms are open. I really truly understand the feeling.

I was pregnant with twins both breech and was told at 23 weeks I was going to have to have a c-section at the 38 week mark. At 35 weeks I went into labor and had to have my c-section early. Both babies are perfectly healthy my son just had a short nicu stay for needing a feeding tube for a couple days. Myself it took me 6 months to fully heal. I had a pocket in my incision area that would not close. It was painful and not what I had planned for myself when I found out I was pregnant. This will also be my only pregnancy and birth l. At first I felt robbed of the opportunity to have my birth plan. My twins are no one and I am just happy to be a mama. It does still saddens me but the sadness is outweighed by the amount of happiness that comes with being a mama.

Time. I was all for a VBAC thos time but as time is approaching the anxiety of the same thing happening again is overwhelming me and my mind is kinda opting for an elective section . That way I know I cant be disappointed again. It's a grief you didn't know you'd ever have to grieve but time and healthy little one is all that matters.

I had an emergency C-section. It was far from my ideal birth plan. But honestly, it being so far from my ideal vision of my first time giving birth, I’m even more proud of myself. Sometimes in hits me and I feel kinda weird and sad about it all. But ultimately every time, I come back to knowing how brave I felt for doing the one thing I knew i never wanted to do unless I absolutely had to.

I went for a de-brief with the hospital and honestly helped me no end. It was amazing x

@Lucy this is exactly how I feel! Can I ask, how did you go about getting a birth debrief? My HV keeps mentioning this but was unclear on how to actually go about it!

@Luci I think it might depend on the hospital/area but my midwife gave me a specific email address to contact - it did take quite a while to actually get a debrief but my friend who lives in a different area got hers much quicker! I would double check with your midwife or the hospital and see if they can point you in the right direction :)

@Luci I just asked if they could arrange it or if not ask HV for the contact details for you to arrange it. I went into the ward in the week and had my de-brief. (Mine was arranged for me but I know some places will only accept emails from the patients). Mine took about 4 weeks to come through so not long.

I don't know. I feel the same. I wanted a hippie natural birth, ended w a c section, a cut artery, almost dying and an emergent hysterectomy...so I have no chance for a do over. I am extremely grateful for my daughter. So I try to focus on that. I also try to think about the good parts of my labor. There were some sweet moments in my 26 hour labor prior to c section. It's hard to be grateful and sad at the sqmetime...that's what my therapist told me. I've been doing all that I can to show my baby I'm her mama and to show myself I'm her mama. It's helping to bond. I love contact naps, skin to skin, and breast feeding. I love putting her in cute outfits and taking her on walks. I loved pregnancy and love the beauty of birth. It's painful to know I was cm away from a vag birth and my labor team lied to me and let me down. My lawyer will help me with that. But I really can't miss any of my baby's infancy due to my anger.

I feel exactly the same and my little one is now nearly 15 months. I had an elective c section as baby was breech and I was given no confidence I could birth vaginally. I tried everything I could to turn her and spent hundreds of pounds too. I’m actually looking into postpartum therapy for this. I’d like another baby but if I can’t have a VBAC I will be absolutely heartbroken. My baby is healthy and my c section was positive but this doesn’t take away from how I feel about it. Don’t let anyone tell you “all that matters is a healthy baby” 💓

I just wanted to say to all of you that I’m so overwhelmed by all the support, advice, personal stories etc. that you amazing women have shared here. Instead of replying to each one separately I’ll just say here that you’ve all really helped me to see how I’m absolutely not alone with this and my feelings are totally valid. Some of you sound as though you’ve been through some really difficult and traumatic births and I’m sorry you had to experience it but also thank you for having the courage to tell your story, as well as hoping you get the recovery, closure and acceptance you need no matter how long it may take, just as I do. This is what this platform is all about! Showing love, support and no judgment, because no matter our circumstances, we’re all navigating this journey of motherhood together x

Hi, I'm sorry your going through this. But, if you walked down the street with your beautiful child, no one would be able to tell 'you didn't labour', they'd just see a lovely mum and baby. I think you've been told that csection isn't a birth, but it is - you delivered a beautiful baby into the world the hard way. You put your life on the line when you had to and got your baby out safely. You did amazing!! Not everyone is strong enough to do what you did, you're incredible and your baby will always thank you for your risk. ❤️ I hope that one day you get to experience labour and a natural birth, but both experiences are valid and bring a cute bundle into the world. I kept my expectations for birth really low - just survive. My baby was breech and I had a csection at 37weeks after two late Diagnosis. I loved my csection as it gave me my daughter. I had weeks to process it before going through with it, it was far from what I wanted really. But I thought about it and all I really wanted was my daughter.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DCCOFy7vJuH/?igsh=bG80aHFyNmtlMTY5 I just found this reel if you have instagram. It could definitely be applied to your birth grief 💕 xx