Today I heard someone say “if you’re grieving process hurts other people, you need to change the way you grieve”

I feel like your grieving process should be personal and selfish but also not intentionally hurting other people

@Haley 💚 today I went to a talk from my children’s psychologist, excellent mind. He was talking about how when we are crying or very emotional the other parts of our brain, like the prefrontal cortex are temporarily less active. For that reason he recommends not speaking to our children but to comfort them physically until they are calm enough to talk about it themselves. For this reason we should give people some leeway when they are grieving but yes at the same time grief is not a reason to cause intentional harm to others. I think it’s very complex. I heard this after leaving that talk and it really made me think.

@Zainab🗝️ I agree. Grief is very personal, and people should be allowed as much time and support they need. However, I don't believe grief excuses hurtful or harmful action and behaviour. I have someone in my life who has been allowed to act anyway they like because of grief, everyone just excuses their behaviour, but it's not ok!

I think I disagree to a certain degree. I think grieving is a time period where it can expected for someone to act of character or need more support than usual. I think people who are grieving should be given more patience and more grace. But with that being said, if you're being a toxic person to be around for an extended period of time and you're not trying to get better then you can't expect people to stay and take it. And I do think some people use their hard times to manipulate others into doing more for them for longer than they really need (milking it). edit: absolutely agree that physical violence is not okay or intentionally hurting others. (I think I'm just seeing this from my own POV as I'm still grieving a recent loss and haven't been doing as much cleaning or wanting to play with the kids as much and was told by my husband that it's hurting him because he has to do more to help out, it's been less than a month since I lost them so I had to remind him to be more patient and give me some grace.)

My sibling physically attacked me and our mother several times in the days/weeks/months leading up to and after our father’s death, which I’ll be honest, has really driven a wedge between us because I felt I was within my rights to say “I don’t want to fight, please stop or leave my house” and they thought I wasn’t respecting their grieving process by saying that. Or for example, they swung a tool belt at my mother’s head while she was driving, because they were mad she’d forgotten to pick up lunch - then got mad I defended our mum but that is unhinged behaviour, I don’t care if you’re grieving. So in that sense I agree, you can’t go around hurting people and blame it on grief without taking any accountability, but I also think grief is intense and awful, so I don’t think it is easy to just change how you grieve.

I think it depends on the kind of harm being caused. Like if someone is grieving and their partner feels neglected because of it, that’s not as big a deal as like not feeding your child because you’re overcome with grief. I would hope people could ask others around them for help tho if they are grieving

I’m 99% disagree, everyone is allowed to grieve however they want to or however they can. However, that 1% is reserved for the way some people treat others while they grieve and use the loss as an excuse to act in a vile way towards people who’ve done nothing wrong 🤦‍♀️

@Zainab🗝️ I agree with that approach. When I think about grieving it’s more than having an emotional period. It’s a process that may include crying but like you said it’s complex. I do think people deserve grace during that time.

I don’t agree if someone was grieving and preferred time to themselves and it hurt someone who wanted to see them or something. If you grieve and head down a destructive path that eventually hurts people then I’d say yes find new ways to cope. But I’d eventually hope for and expect a mutual understanding and empathy from both sides because what is easy for some isn’t for another and we aren’t really taught how to grieve if there is even a right way

It hurts me to see my loved ones cry - but I’d never tell them to stop crying because it’s hurting me. However lashing out at others isn’t an acceptable way to grieve (it happens and can usually be forgiven depending on what the action is, but it’s not good). People are responsible for their actions even when grieving

I agree but the second stage of grief is anger. And sometimes it’s hard for people to not lash out because they aren’t thinking logically, It’s full and raw emotion.

So first off grief should not be an excuse for bad behaviour. Though if a child is grieving I wouldn't be surprised by acting out etc. As a person who lost their mum in my 20s, very suddenly, I find the hardest part of grief is mentioning it, and people immediately want to change the subject. They want to fix you or ignore the problem. Your grief will often make others uncomfortable. This is not my problem that they are like this. It's always people who have their parents alive that can't bear me talking about how mines dead. The ones who know, know.