Rocky relationship advice

Hi girls, I’m hoping I’m not alone in this but my relationship with my partner is just awful and getting worse by the day and I just feel so stuck in knowing what to do, I just massively resent him now. To go back to the beginning my gorgeous little one was unplanned but the best news of my existence yet as I’ve always wanted to be a mum! He however, didn’t want to go ahead with the pregnancy. I had done pains early on so ended up at A&E and then for a scan at EPU where we saw the sac and tiny blip that was the beginning of LO! Even after this he didn’t want to keep them. He hates I took the choice from him, not thinking about how I couldn’t terminate, it would ruin my life and I’d never forgive myself (I am ALWAYS pro choice but in this instance I wanted my baby so badly so for me it wasn’t a thought.). We didn’t live together and only saw each other weekends due to living 50 mins apart, so things were going to be difficult but I thought we would manage. He never invited me to move in he didn’t want the change but we had to as we needed to be a family so he will always resent me for this. He barely acknowledged my pregnancy had basically nothing to do with it all, except scans (but none of the growth scans, my mum came) I had an incredibly anxious pregnancy and didn’t feel supported at all. Then I had to have a scheduled c section due to LO being breech. So baby is born, he steps it up a bit helping but didn’t last long, never has taken a night shift even when I was in agony bending in the night to get baby (EBF). Now he is just so f*cking lazy, even after me begging him to help in the night multiple times he just won’t, he works a ‘physical’ job he tells me (welding and up cranes sometimes at a dock) so he can’t and won’t, ever? I do everything for LO and only the past few months has he been bathing him every other night and doing his bottle (usually I make it), he never gets down on the mat to play with LO even when I ask multiple times he just sits with him and tickles him or something, it annoys me tbh as lo loves him despite it all! He can’t get him to sleep for naps, not that he would offer I’ve always done naps and bedtime… ‘I do it better’ he says when I bring it up. We constantly argue and he will not change his perspective. He wouldn’t know his routine, what to pack in his bag, to plan bf/l/dinner, what to dress him in (he’s never chosen an outfit and dressed him) the more I write the more I am shocked at how bad he is at being a dad lol. He shows me no love or affection (he’s never been huge on this but it’s the worst it’s been) would never think to come home and give me a kiss and cuddle, rarely anyway. Is anyone else in a similar position or has any advice? Sure it’s easy to say ‘just leave’ but I’ve never been in this position before, I’m a FTM and I’d have him in my life forever now we have a child! We would live in different counties and I’d hate for LO to be away from me too 🥺. I started a new job a month ago at a nursery and LO also goes twice a week and is finally settling.. is have to leave and move back with my mum and wouldn’t know where to start with what I’d be entitled to (I don’t own property, the house is his). There’s so much more too. Sorry for this huge essay I’m just so lost and honestly depressed with it all, my little one is my entire world and I want to do what’s best for him always, and I give him everything he needs and all the love and attention so he doesn’t go without. Any advice? Please not too harsh my mental state is rocky 🫠 Thanks 💙Xx

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Hmmm you probably won’t like this but it sounds to me like he made his position very clear- he did not want to have a child, and you made your choice to proceed anyway fully knowing his position and taking risk that he would stand by his decision even once the baby came. He does sound awful, I completely agree with you and I don’t blame you for being cross with him. I think the only thing to do is set him free. I truly feel for you because being a single mum would be so tough but nothing you can say or do will “convince” him to step up and be the dad you want him to be.

Oh but absolutely 100% no doubt about it claim your child maintence, girl! Go through all of the proper channels- just because he chose not to be in the baby’s life doesn’t mean he has no responsibility for his actions!

@Tara I see what you’re saying 100% and I don’t take it lightly that I made the decision I did, but, the thing is I gave him the option to leave and he said no he wouldn’t! So it’s not like I forced him to stay. And he adores our son, there’s absolutely no doubt about it, which just makes me more angry as he only wants the nice bits of being a dad… not the messy bits we have to deal with all the time as a parent, you know? He just wants the easy version of a parent, basically he seems to have a 1950’s point of view and wants me to do childcare (but still work) whilst he goes to work comes homes and drinks a few beers, shock horror… life doesn’t work that way 🙃, it makes me livid as everything should be equal or more so than not. I’ve even said we will leave several times and he says he doesn’t want us to… it’s just so confusing and horrible ☹️ x

F🤬cking men!!! I’m raging for you. Absolutely do not stand for that. Do you want your boy to have that type of relationship as his model for how to be a man and treat his future partner anyway? What we tolerate becomes the norm and I truly hope that if enough of us women refuse to tolerate this behaviour that previous generations of men have gotten away with, hopefully we can prevent it in the next generation. I’d say maybe have a very frank conversation with him where you explain what it means to be a father (good bad & ugly) and exactly what your expectations are from him and if he isn’t willing to meet your and your son’s needs, then he has to go. That’s my personal opinion anyway and I have no expertise in this, only a hatred for misogynists.

Re- how he tricks you into doing the work with the baby because “you do it better” is called weaponised incompetence and is a form of manipulation.

I agree with Tara - if your son grows up in this environment, he will grow up thinking it’s ok for women to be treated this way. Remember you are modelling relationships for your son from a very early age - what you tolerate now will be what he thinks is normal and acceptable when he is an adult. Do you want your son to become like his dad and treat his future wife/girlfriend like this? It sounds like your partner stayed out of a sense of obligation but is doing the bare minimum. I think it’s time to move on and find someone who actually wants to be part of a real parenting partnership, as hard as that might be. You’re lucky you have some family you can rely on for support - you should definitely lean on them as much as possible until you’re settled. I wouldn’t stay in this current situation, not for you and not for your LO.

If I’m misreading the situation please disregard this 🙏 but it sounds like, first prize for you would be to stay in your relationship and maintain your family unit AND improve the dynamic in terms of him being a more hands on and equal partner and parent. If that is the case, it sounds like you guys could benefit from some couples therapy to help work through this massive adjustment period When your partner says he wants you and LO to stay, you could respond with, I want that too but I need your help in making some changes to make that sustainable, and I think this is very difficult for us to figure out while we’re in the day-to-day hecticness of adjusting to being parents, so maybe we could benefit from some therapy to help us navigate this I hope he can step up and be his best self for you and LO especially regardless of whether that is with you guys continuing as a couple or not because like you say, he will be part of your lives either way Take care mama, I’m rooting for you🌷

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