Heartbroken: my baby doesn’t seem to love me. We have never had a connection, even since he was born. Please help!

Talk to your Dr about PPD/ PPA, that may be a factor in these feelings?

How old is he?

@Rebecca He is 15 months

@mj, I’ve thought about it. But I was definitely happy being a mom but it’s slowly going away because I have a baby that doesn’t seem to like me at all.

Has anyone else had this happen? Or am I the only one with a baby who chose the wrong mom? 😢

Your baby didn’t choose the wrong mom 🩷 my siblings and I all preferred my dad when we were young, but still have a great relationship with my mom. Bonding issues can become a self fulfilling prophecy, because it causes you to get stressed which further makes it difficult to bond. I promise you it can get better, especially as he gets older and better able to express his emotions

@Rebecca thank you 🫶🏼 can I ask why you preferred your dad more?

My 21mo constantly prefers daddy. When he’s not here, she’s always asking for him or when I get home from work after not seeing her all day, she’ll barely acknowledge me if he’s around or will acknowledge me as “mommy milk” 🥲

He did more fun and high-oxytocin activities with us when we were young (blowing raspberries, tickling, talking in silly voices, bouncing us up and down, letting us ride on his back like a horse, throwing us into the air, jokes and laughing etc). My mom didn’t do quite as much of those fun things, but she was and is an amazing mom

First, I would distance myself with people saying that type of shit to you. It's beyond disrespectful and very hurtful. Second I would definitely look for some help. You may have a serious pp issue that makes you not bond with your baby. But trust me, your baby loves you. Sometimes is interfering here.

Talk to your family/friends about your feelings and ask them to stop making those jokes! I felt like that when my baby was born and they would also joke about it with me but it really got to me! My husband talked with everyone and they stopped joking which helped a lot!🩷 I’m sorry you’re going through this.

If someone told me my baby doesn’t love me I would probably pop them one in the mouth ngl even as a “joke” But I second the PPA thing. You can be so happy to be a mom but also anxious. Over analyzing. Could raise your heart rate to an extent that could make it more difficult for your heart rate to naturally soothe your child at times. I think it’s something to look into and potentially talk to someone about. You’re a good mom for being so dedicated to being connected and there for your child.

I second the suggestion that sometimes these things get us into a cycle… Feeling like he doesn’t like you, stressing about it, causing him not to like you… It’s a challenging cycle to break free from! And I don’t have the answers! But maybe talk to a therapist or someone about it? If it’s any help, I’ve heard that babies/toddlers cry more with mom sometimes bc that’s where they feel they can be most honest and emotionally vulnerable. Being present to him in those moments is so valuable, even if you can’t see the fruit in it right now.

Did you introduce lots of family members early on and did they spend lots of time with him? Did you breastfeed? Babywear? Contact nap? Sometimes when we introduce too many people early on and they spend lots of time with the little one this can happen. They can get confused about who their primary caregiver is maybe? I know many parents who said their babies don't like them and prefer the other parent and when they got a bit older their preference switched round! So don't worry, things can still change! Just carry on being kind and loving and I'm sure you little one will start to bond with you. Do lots of things alone together without other people for a while x

also tell your family members to stop making hurtful jokes like that and maybe limit the time you spend with them! They are probably making you feel so much worse x

Do you live with your mum?

Awh yeah the joke doesn’t help maybe tell a sister or partner and maybe then can step in and say don’t say those things? Maybe you can say something too I always feel like they’d listen to anyone but mom

My son has always had phases where he prefers one parent or grandparent over others. That’s so normal. And does not mean your son doesn’t love you or need you or look for you. It could be that he feels so secure with you that he doesn’t feel the need to search constantly for you. This sounds like ppd honestly. And someone else mentioned it earlier, but finding a therapist to chat with would probably help. It’s always nice to have an impartial sounding board. Your baby needs and loves you. I promise❤️

@Megan thank you. I see this with my friends kids. Where the baby will all of a sudden prefer dad over mom and then switch. But atleast baby will look for mom for comfort. My baby doesn’t look for me ever. As a matter of fact, he rejects me ever trying to calm him down. He would much prefer my mother in law, who is always with him (since I work). He literally looks at everyone else and even goes to them to play and be silly. I don’t get that not even for one second. Also, when I come home it’s like he sees a stranger. Then my husband comes home and his face lights up.

@H I mentioned it and they have stopped but now I get the awkward faces when he doesn’t want to be near me. I know what they’re thinking.

@Ella my mother in law - I really think he thinks that his mother. He lives her endelessly and wants to be carried by her all day long. I thought that’s how he would want to be with me, his mother. But not at all.

@Mitra yes! We have a lot of help and both my mother in law and mother were here in the first 6 months to help me. I was always tired and had to go back to work. But I slept with him and tried to feed him. But not awlwsy. Now I am back at work and it’s worse. How do I reverse this?

Oh I thought so! In the early months if there are lots of what seems like "primary caregivers" the baby can develop attachments to others. It's happened to my friend's baby as she got full time nanny's from day one. The baby never really goes to her. You can reverse this by spending more time with your baby one to one. Always be the one to feed your baby as much as possible. When they cry as they hurt themself, always be the one to offer comfort. If possible limit the amount of time your baby has with their grandmas. You are the one and only mama! And soon your baby will realise that xx