Help needed regarding marital issue

I’m not sure where to post this but thought this might be a good place as I need to reach someone of knowledge in this area, preferably marriage counsellor therapist or someone who has been and what I am referring to below. My husband and I are seeing a marriage counsellor - one of our issues we have massive communication issues so she’s taught us the “wait pause” method which essentially allows the person to say what they said differently if they didn’t meant it or realise they were wrong in how they communicated - a second chance basically. (Context here is that we were having a conversation this morning and naturally I said my thought process which included decision making, though the decision wasn’t set in stone and I was open to a conversation but. My husband felt excluded and disrespected because I didn’t involve him in my thought process and i didn’t ask him what he thought before making the decision) So after he explained his feelings and I understood where he’s coming from I said, let’s do the wait pause method - and I reconstructed my sentence to my husband. Now My husband seems to think that this method is monologued and scripted and he feels like it doesn’t make the conversation natural. Moreover he feels like my first answer shows him who I am as a person which is single minded and not someone who is in a marriage. (He feels like I am unfair and double standards bcos if this was the other way round I would expect communication which is correct and i acknowledge this) I want to explain to him that the whole point of the pause effect is that we correct our thinking/words until these come naturally to us cos right now we’re having communication issues. How do I explain this to him bcos I’m finding it hard to make him understand what I’m trying to say. I see where I am wrong and I genuinely understood why he felt the way he did and thus corrected my ways and open to clear communication - I can’t change his feelings but I can do my best to change my ways. I hope this makes sense and would love your insights.

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I think that if you thought about what you were going to say before saying it in the first place, you shouldn't have to do this wait pause method. All decisions should be made jointly.

Well yeah obviously 🙄 - I already acknowledge where I went wrong and also said we’re seeing a counsellor for our issues.

You should ask him if he has ever said something out of anger or frustration or even been snappy with someone who hasn't deserved it because of your mood and later apologised for it as you realised you was wrong and needed to correct the behaviour, it's the same sort of thing, sometimes we think of something but don't put it in the right context and it comes across rude or insulting which isn't what was intended it's just not been worded correctly, also when people tend to argue regularly people go on the defensive and rush what they are saying without thinking, so having time to reflect on what you have said and what you actually mean means you can correct the behaviour and say what you actually mean... Yes it can be also used as a 'get out clause' like I now have time to say what the other person wants to hear kinda thing but then you ain't solving anything just adding more fuel to the fire which defeats the object of trying to save/improve the marriage you both want... Hope this kinda helps and makes sense

@Jen this is perfect way to describe it, thank you. I will use that example you gave.

Maybe discuss it at the next meeting. No one’s perfect, you’re trying..

This is giving… he is using the tools in therapy to better manipulate you… using your own empathy and wanting to fix things against you… i would be very mindful of that and keep and eye if this kind of behavior keeps happening.

@Lyss what do you mean? This has been causing me anxiety all day because it’s still not resolved and it’s blown into another big problem that I am dealing with. I am interested to see how there is manipulation - I’ve come to doubt myself a lot and I seek validation from others which is why I posted this here.

Well the fact you are doubting yourself is a big red flag to me that you are being manipulated. I can tell you were just being honest and clear and trying to apply something you took from therapy to better your relationship. And he is taking what he learned and flipping it on you. That’s why you confused. He is twisting the situation to make himself be the victim. Which how is he a victim of miscommunication when he isn’t even open to listening you without saying how he is victimized. Honestly it’s giving vulnerable narcissist aka covert narcissist. I would look into that and see how much it resonates cuz again you being confused is what he’s banking on. But you weren’t confused you knew what you were saying and how you were saying it. So why is it you are having doubts?

This is exactly why I do NOT always recommend couples therapy. Because if by chance one person in the relationship is a toxic manipulator they will use therapy to their advantage to further their manipulative tendencies. Think- Tony Soprano.

Also like to add that anxiety in our body isn’t cuz you did something wrong it’s your body telling you that you aren’t safe. Anxiety in our body is like an alarm system in our bodies telling us that this person is not safe for whatever reason and in this case it’s probably due to the gaslighting you are receiving.

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